An end and a beginning

I began this blog a few years ago as a way to process the death of my best friend.  It has since become a source of enlightenment and healing. 

When I embarked on that journey, I had no idea what was in store and wrote whatever needed to be written. In some blogs, I held onto hope. In others, I cried out of sadness and loneliness.  I tried to remain faithful in spite of it all, believing that the life I had lived to that point was not all there was. It was all stepping stones on the way to something better. I firmly believed God had a plan for me. Was I always so sure? Nope. It was a struggle, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. But, through it all, I always managed to call out to God for help, comfort, answers. Eventually, He answered me. 

I met the farmer in August 2014. It was by chance (not really) that our paths crossed the way they did. At no other time and under no other circumstances would we have met were it not for the path laid by God. My first blog is proof of that. As a  result of our meet, we will soon marry. 

My need to blog has changed.  My heart has healed and my prayers have been answered.  For these reasons I will leave this blog and begin a brand new one.  Its a bittersweet feeling however there is no sense putting new wine into old wine skins, right? 

An end and a beginning as I present - The Farmer Takes His Bride. 

Me!!!

A funny thing happened on the way to growing up

Its late and I'm tired.  But, I needed to write tonight because today was a day worth noting. Why?

First, because it has been six months since Kathleen was found hanging in her bedroom.
Second, because there are 60 days left before I marry Joe and begin a new life adventure.
Last and most important, because I realize that I have finally come into my own.

Last Saturday, I flew to CA with the goal of returning to WA with mom four days later. The situation I was in while at my sister's house was indescribable but, for the first time in a very long while, I felt like a grown up. I could see with such clarity things that I had never seen before.

Growing up, I admired my sister. She was beautiful, smart, popular and mom's favorite. I wanted so much to be like her, mainly so I could have mom's attention but also to feel like I was visible and significant. I struggled with those longings for years. It wasn't until I began to see the fissures behind Mary's facade that I realized how I am much better off being me. I have gone through a lot over the years. With God's grace and prudent counsel, I was able to get out of the muck and mire and figure out who I am and who I was created to be. Sadly, I don't think my sister has a clue. Being there, I could see how hard she tries to control everything around her by appealing to sympathies of others or through the shock-value effect ("wanna see Kathleen's room" "wanna see my wound").  It seems very strange to me that something that was so devastating could be considered a main attraction.

I initially thought that my jealousy was clouding my judgment and mercies but that wasn't the case. I was finally seeing who Mary had become as a result of living an unhealthy physical, mental and emotional life.  She is a broken woman who surrounds herself with stuff to help her feel safe. She has 15 cuckoo clocks that would drive a sane person mad. Even with her heart condition, she continues to abuse her body, refusing to take care of herself. For some unknown reason, she has a death wish. Why else would any person have so little regard for their own well being? I don't get it.

Even more remarkable than this is my relationship with my mother. Granted, she has only been here for 5 days but I am enjoying her company. Finding out all that she has had to endure while living with sister makes me angry and want to protect her. I don't want her to go back to CA. I don't want her to be unhappy as she has been. I want to her to live out her life in peace which she won't have there.  My concern is for her but for no other reason than I love her and want her to be happy. As I admit this to myself, I see how all of my insecurities and feelings about my childhood are gone. The child has been loved and healed and has grown into the adult. Me. A grown up.

As mom and I spend time together, I am at peace with her.  My longing for her attention has disappeared. My sadness in knowing she would never see "me" is gone. My desire to have her love has been realized. She loves me. It may not have been what I wanted years ago but it is here now. "Good night, my love" she says to me every night before bed. I sigh. I am her love. And always will be.

Kathleen's death

Mom called at 6:30 with the news - Kathleen was gone.  She had no details other than to say she was found in her room.  I was in shock. I am in shock. I can't believe that she is gone.  

My heart breaks for her mother, my sister, who was closest to her.  She was her friend and confidant. No two could be closer. I can't imagine how broken my sister must feel. It kills me to think about.

My heart breaks for her father, my brother in law, who loved her so much. He was her hero. She was his buddy. They had traveled to different states together just to ride roller coasters. 

My heart breaks for her grandmother, my mom who sits helpless in her wheel chair, unable to do anything. She is a powerless woman made more powerless by this situation which she couldn't control.

My heart breaks for my niece, her sister, who is now an only child. No two could be more opposite yet love each other still. 

Mostly, my heart aches unbearably for Kathleen who saw no way out of whatever predicament she was in. She was just 20 years old.  So wise yet so innocent, so free yet so tormented. What could have driven her to take her own life? It makes no sense. There was no note. There were no clues. There will not be any peace to come by this. So many questions and second guesses yet no answers. Only devastation and confusion left in the wake. 

 

Faith. Hope. Love.

A few years ago, a friend of mine started an annual tradition among a group of us. At the beginning of the year, we are to think of a word that we could focus on throughout that year. It could be anything- joy, laughter, forgiveness, you name it.  Maybe some of you have already done this but it was new to me.

Once we submitted our word to her, she made up a cute little cut-out card with that one word. My first word was FAITH. I kept that card at my desk where I would see it as I worked. It helped me get through times of discouragement, sadness and loss. Whenever I began to question God, I was reminded of my wish to be faithful to Him for the year. That was no easy task but I survived. 

I really contemplated the second year's word as I wanted it to reflect what was my new struggle. HOPE became a natural choice for me.  Once I relinquished control of my life to Him, I worked on hoping for His will alone. That year presented different yet equally challenging circumstances where my sense of hope was strained. But I held firm and ended the year filled with the stuff. What a great feeling that was!

Of course, the third year should be LOVE, right? It just flows but I wasn't sure. While I had faith that God had someone intended just for me and I hoped for the same, I wasn't sure I was ready for love.  But then I realized that that "love" wasn't meant for anyone but Him. I had learned to believe in and anticipate His goodness in the previous years. Now I needed to love Him with all of my heart. 

Its amazing how things can change when one's focus is changed. As I look back on the past three years and reflect on my chosen words, I see how God has changed me and caused me to grow, confident in His will for my life. I submit joyfully to Him, believing that the best is yet to come. And for that I am thankful.

By the way, GRATEFUL will be my 2015 word. You see, He brought me the most amazing man recently.  We are to be married in October and I still can't believe it. My CM guy is everything I had prayed for. God heard me, even in my saddest times and answered my prayers in His time, not mine. I'm sure that's what the past three years have been leading me to. 

God is good, all the time.  Praise God!

The One... -Part 2

Five weeks after spending time with Joe on the prairie, I am here again.  This time its under very different circumstances. 

Even though we had talked almost every day on the phone, there were still many unanswered questions that needed to be asked during my first official trip in October. During our time together, we realized that we had a connection with and deep affection for each other. Distance and communication made being apart difficult but our time together was seamless. It was then that we knew we loved each other with a love that would grow over time.

Once I was back home, he asked if I would spend Thanksgiving with him. It would give us more time to discern where this was headed so I agreed.

I have been in SD for almost a week and will have to leave him again tomorrow morning to go back to life in WA. This time its different. We are different. Life is more familiar to me here, more complete. I'm not sure I was made for prairie life but I was created to be this farmer's wife. I know that now. I'm not sure how but I do.

I love this man's goofy sense of humor and the way he pats me on the head. He is so easy going, well liked and highly thought of. He is always up for a wrestling match yet is gentle as one is with an infant. He is tender, thoughtful, loving. I have rearranged his life as he knew it and his response has been - "honey, where did I move my (insert anything)?" He is slow to anger and easy to love. I want to be with him wherever he is.

He has asked me to marry him and I have accepted. And when our day comes, this passage will be part of our ceremony:

From the Book of Ruth 1:16-17
But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

I love you, Farmer Joe.

The One... - Part 1

I've heard it said that when you meet the right person, you just know it.  There has never been a person, however, who was able to follow that up with how you know it.  I have asked this question to every happy couple I know.  Most recent was Kyle.

He met Corinne on Valentine's day, doing a run - something they both love doing.  Seventeen months later, they were married. I've known Kyle for some time.  He has been through many relationships, always in search of "the one". So, when he found her, I was hoping for an answer to my question that was a bit more filling.  It was a feeling, he would say then add that he can't describe it other than to say, he "just knew".

Although I've never experienced that feeling, I think I get it now. In August,  I met a man as a result of my travels through the midwest. He is unlike any man I've known or dated. We were virtual strangers when we met but I was comfortable with him. I knew he wouldn't harm me but how? There is something about who he is - unpretentious, uncomplicated, witty - that puts me at ease.  He is unphased by much.  He doesn't put on airs but I believe he wants to impress me.  Just when I think he is no more than a friend, he says something that melts my heart. He's weathered from years of farming with eyes sharpened by the sun yet his touch is gentle, his caress is soft. Sometimes he says something so random, I want to pull my hair out. Other times his sentiment makes my heart flutter and my body temp rise. The littlest things about him make me smile.

He is the turtle in my rabbit life. He is consistent as an hour glass. He hesitates for fear of being hurt yet wears his heart on his sleeve.  He laughs easily, cherishes touch, has a healthy imagination. He's no push over, no softie, no door mat. He doesn't hold back his opinion but keeps it tempered. He's a rough and tumble country boy who likes to snuggle. He will stand against anyone who means to harm his beloved but crumbles at her touch. He is Chuck Norris tough but can write the most beautiful poem, for her eyes only. 

Who is this man? And why did our paths cross at this stage in life? In a few short hours, I will leave my home to be with him in his.  To experience life on the prairie and to see if everything we experienced during our first encounter was real.  I'm excited to see him even though I know that when the time comes to leave, my life will be forever changed. When it is time, I will either dread coming home or I will be ready. I feel I know the answer but only time will tell.

Robert Frost, I am not

Morning woods in fog.

On a morning walk through a fog filled woods,
A cacophony surrounds me:
Deer crashing the underbrush as they silently pass
A canticle of Bird song greets the dawn.
The rustling of flora as it stretches up to the sun
A tandem chittering of squirrels signaling the presence of danger;
The timpanic beat of Tucker's paws on the ground...
I love quiet mornings like these.

Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening

(While walking through our snowy woods this weekend, Frost's poem came to mind. This post has nothing to do with his poem but I thought it was a good title.)

It snowed this weekend, more than it has in a long time. We're not used to the snow or the mess it creates but I'm thankful it was here. I had Wyatt with me on Saturday night for a sleep over with Tucker. By Sunday morning, we all were ready for him to go home. Walking him there was a good way to get us exercised, despite the conditions. All things considered, I'm so glad we did.

It had snowed so much during the day that many trees were losing branches. The sounds of those branches crashing down below filled the air as others hung heavy from the weight of the snow, on the verge of breaking at any moment. Of the ones I could reach, I would shake the snow off then cheer as a branch or even young tree stood upright again. I did this numerous times on the walk home, with much rejoicing along the way, despite the loss of yet another limb giving up.

At some point during this walk, and in light of Dion's fall from grace in his marriage, God and sin came to mind. The snow represented the pressures the world places on us to conform to it or to how we try to carry our issues and problems on our own, without Jesus' help.  The weight can become too heavy to bear, causing so many of us, like Dion, to succumb to that weight. Rather than falling to his knees in humility and prayer, he fell to the ground in shame, breaking the hearts of those who love him most.  The more branches and limbs I came across during this walk, the sadder I was for all of the people who weren't strong enough to stand up to temptation or against the lies being fed them. It was a stark reminder of just how fragile those without complete faith can be.

This morning's walk was so different from the former. The sun was shining, bright and glorious. It was too early to be warm but from the looks of it, today was going to be beautiful. As we entered the woods nearby, I listened to a sound that was so much different from two days ago. It was the silent sound of snow melting from the trees. Yes, the sun was causing the snow to come off, sparing the trees that withstood it. To see it happen was like watching God dust the residue of our issues off our shoulders. It was as if to say, "Good job! Through it, you stayed strong. Now, be free." What an amazing experience it was to see so many trees being relieved of their excess weight and be able to stand upright again. Another reminder of God's grace and the lack of power sin has on the righteous.

Another metaphor crossed my mind.  The sound of the branches crashing to the ground versus the quiet melting of snow.  The devil tempts and deceives through the loud, showy or obvious. We are easily mesmerized by the hypnotic beat of bad music or flashy TV commercials of barely clothed models. God doesn't work that way. He can be heard in a whisper, the hush of a gentle breeze, the soft rustling of leaves. He is heard in the quiet drips of melting snow, saying, "You are set free."

How blessed are those who love and serve Him.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep...

And miles to go before I sleep."

 
  

Ending 2013

Hard to believe that this year is almost over. Yes, another year gone and I am still single! Ugh!!  True, I had the chance to be in a relationship but when a person tells you that you are not what he wants, believe it.  Even if he calls or writes later and wants to "move forward" regardless, don't do it. That's just madness. 

While I wish I had met a good man this year, I'm still a work in progress.  Anxities were unusually high at Thanksgiving and desperation ran amok in my head. Thankfully, it went nowhere. Praise God for loving me enough to keep me out of dead ends. 

Praise be for good friends who laugh at my insanity and love me anyway.  And for the extra special people in my life who let me vent without ceasing as they listen without judging. Praise be for those who tell it like it is with nothing but love in their hearts and for those I trust with my life. Praises for those who are quick to volunteer their help in projects I have no business tackling and for being taken into another's family.  

Its ok that I'm not seeing anyone. I know when the time is right, he will find me and it will be good. No games, no hurtful sarcasm, no bad hygiene, no compromise. Until then, I grow one step closer to earning my grown up status. So far gone yet so far to go. 

As this year comes to a close, I have decided my buzz word for 2014 is LOVE.  It seems like the natural choice considering the previous two. And maybe its time.

Life's Lessons in Little Moments

At 45 years of age,  you'd think I would have learned all I'd need to learn for my life.  That is not the case as I've come to realize over the past week alone.

My friend has 4 kids who I watch on occasion. I love them all. Lately, I've been spending time with her 3 year old who is smart beyond her years and just as sassy. She says things that make me shake my head, wondering how a little thing like her can be capable of such big thoughts. She never ceases to amaze me.

I was off work last Monday, getting much needed things taken care of.  I ran into my friend and her daughter at the park.  "Little" wanted to come to my house and "party".  Is it ok, my friend asks.  Of course its ok. So, my plans of intense house work were altered slightly but I roll with it.  After 6 hours of the whys and whats and can I's, I was worn out by the time she goes home.  In addition, she asked to watch a DVD while she ate. I made the mistake of letting her watch on my laptop and she ended up spilling milk on/in it.  Urgh.  It stopped working and didn't kick on for 12 hours.  Even now, some of the letters will stick. But, it works and gets me by.  Thankfully, I have no midterms or theses  to write.

Being with her that day showed me how much I had grown over the years. Having been raised by a temperamental parent, I grew up to be very impatient and heavy handed. Any mistake made by another would incite anger. That was all I knew as a child. As much as I thought I wanted children in my 20s, I whole-heartedly believe that I would not have been a good, loving, unconditional parent. Worse, I would have raised my kids the way I was raised and that thought alone scares me. I know that I will not likely ever have my own children so I am thankful for those God puts in my life.

Another "Aha!" moment came today when I was at Ed Hook's house.  Ed is an elderly widowed neighbor. He is a good and godly man who is alone. He stopped by one night to chat with me recently and mentioned looking for a cleaning woman for 2 hours a week @ 10/hr. I assumed he was offering that to me so I accepted, without pay. Chalk it up to being a labor of love.  He is very grateful for my time there.  Like I told him, if I knew my dad lived alone and so far from me, I'd be happy knowing there was someone who kept an eye on him.  So, that is my job with Ed. And I do it gladly.

Today, when I was at his house, I realized that if I were married, the chances of me having the time to do this would be nil. I probably wouldn't have thought of it, to be honest. Not that a husband would be all-consuming but that my focus would be on him, our life together and our home but I don't know how Ed would've fit into that equation.

In being single, I am able to be "auntie Susie" to the Millers or Ed's cleaning lady. Just think of all of the precious moments I would have missed had my life taken a different path. The thought really boggles my mind yet offers even more proof that I am where I am meant to be. Praise God!

James 1:2 - "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

As if it were written for me...

The blog is called gracefortheroad.com and the entry is I don't wait anymore. Preach on, dear blogger! Preach on.


When I was 16, I got a purity ring.  And when I was 25, I took it off.
I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band.
“True Love Waits.” Waits.
What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?
*****
I had my reasons for deciding not to wear it anymore. Other people might have other reasons. It’s a graveyard of hearts, this place where single church girls crash into their late 20s and early 30s. Churches see the symptoms. They scramble to reach out to the ever-growing young adult singles crowd who feels alienated by family-oriented services.
But there’s something bigger behind it than that.
Much bigger.
There are a lot of girls out there who don’t know who God is anymore – the God of their youth group years just isn’t working out. Back then, that God said to wait for sex until they are married, until He brings the right man along for a husband. They signed a card and put it on the altar and pledged to wait.
And wait they did.
*****
And waited and waited and waited.
Some of them have prayed their whole lives for a husband, and he hasn’t shown up. They’ve heard the advice to “be the woman God made you to be, focus on that, and then the husband will come.” They’ve read “Lady in Waiting,” gotten super involved in church and honed their domestic skills.
And still they wait.
More than a decade ago, a youth leader handed them a photocopied poem in Sunday School written to them from “God” that said, “The reason you don’t have anyone yet is because you’re not fully satisfied in Me. You have to be satisfied with Me and then when you least expect it, I’ll bring you the person I meant for you.”
And the girls see it posted on their bulletin boards from time to time.
“You’re right, God,” they say. “We’re not satisfied in you yet. We will put you first and then you can bring us a husband in your timing.”
But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God.
If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late.
So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?
Whether it was the fault of the leaders, the fault of us girls, or both, a tragedy happened back then.
A lot of girls were sold on a deal and not on a Savior.
*****
I had that poem on my bulletin board all through high school – the one where “God” was telling me to fall in love with Him first and then I would be able to fall in love with a husband later.
Who wrote that poem anyway?
Pretty sure it wasn’t God.
When Jesus was here on the earth, the crowds would follow Him because they saw He gave good things. But that’s not what He wanted. He wanted their hearts for Himself. So He would turn to them and say things like, “If you don’t love Me so much that every other relationship in your life looks like hate by comparison, you can’t follow Me.” (Matthew 10:34-39, paraphrase)
That sounds a lot different from the poem.
Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself.
What if we as girls had learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have.
If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him.
If I’d had on my bulletin board, “Fall in love with Jesus.” That’s it. Bottom line. That’s everything you need to know, to work toward, to put your hope in.
If I’d learned who He is, what He wants, how to give Him everything, not “wait” so that one day I could give my everything to someone else.
If I’d learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for Him to spend my life as He chooses for His glory.
If we as believers make that our message, things could be drastically different for a lot of girls wondering why the God they think they learned to follow doesn’t compute. It doesn’t necessarily stop the desire for a husband or end all feelings of loneliness, but it does show a God who provides, loves and gives infinite purpose even to our singleness rather than a God who categorically denies some who pray for husbands while seemingly giving freely to others.
It shows that while marriage is good, He is the greater goal.
*****
Don’t think I’ve done this perfectly.
I’d be deceiving you if you thought that. I’ve had relationships where I made major mistakes. I’ve gone through angst-ridden phases where I met with friends to plead together with God to bring us husbands. I’ve planned major life decisions around possibilities.
I lived like I was waiting for something.
And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.
I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.
I already have Him … and He is everything.

A simple life

Maybe one has nothing to do with the other but it seems to me that as I age, I become more aware of bad news. Its everywhere. Its unavoidable.  TV news shows run and re-run stories ad nauseam. Internet search engines use a ticker for the headline of the day. Even radio gives a ten second blurb of the gloom and doom.  News of siblings shooting each other accidentally or weather related tragedies that claim many lives. News of kidnappings or tortures, rapes or murders. Abandoned children, abused animals... so much sadness.

There are days when I wish for simpler times, like when I was little and oblivious to world events. Yes, Vietnam was going on at that time but I was quite content playing with friends and dolls. The world didn't seem like such a bad place at that time. That worked for me. I miss the days of small towns and neighborhoods where everyone knew each other. I wish kids could play outside until dark without having to worry about being abducted. Or when leaving your windows open at night let only the cool breeze in and not a prowler.

Where is that fine line between living comfortably and living simply? Does it mean giving up electricity or the amenities that I've become so accustomed to? Could I exist on a few acres of land, growing my own food and making my own clothes? Are the times of Laura Ingalls Wilder what I long for or is there something more? What role does materialism play in the dark parts of life?

There has to be one common denominator to living a simple yet fulfilled life but what is it?  How do I find it? What does it look like? Does living in oblivion necessarily bring happiness?

More on this and on being polluted by the world...

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. — Mark Twain

Flags

I just finished reading a blog called The Art of Manliness.  Its actually a joint blog, written by a married couple and has advice in everything male.  One blog was a posting on red flags:
http://artofmanliness.com/2013/01/31/relationship-red-flags/

Reading it compelled me to think of all of the red flags I'd experienced yet pretended not to see. Big mistake.

In an effort to keep me honest and safe from more miserable relationships, here's my list.
1. Has no desire to get or be health.
2. The only liquid he drinks is alcohol.
3. Continues to use the "F" word even after being asked to stop.
4. Tells me I am (fill in the blank) when he clearly possesses those traits.
5. Out of the blue, he says he has no commitment issues. Several times.
6. Has ex-girlfriends who "need" him to help then get through life.
7. Hasn't lived alone (parents, girlfriend) for an extended period of time.
8. Little concern for personal hygiene.
9. Changes job frequently.
10. Uses bad language to talk about bosses because they never know what they are doing.
11. Talks about his exes issues, putting the blame on them.
12, Talking about his exes hotness or finer features.
13. Calling relatives derogatory names.
14. Not walking his talk, especially regarding his faith.
15. Says he can't be with you because of xxx yet has committed to staying.

Sadly, all of these flags belonged to one man. Oh, how I wish it were a comprehensive list. Then I wouldn't feel so bad about my decisions to date. But, life is about learning and I have learned a lot.
Thankfully, I continue to.

Looking ahead

Here we are, New Year's Eve. Another year gone and another about to begin. After a wonderful week in Montana, I am home nursing a cold.  Tonight, it will be Chinese food, movies and Tucker.  And maybe a hot toddy to help me sleep.

I started out last year with one word that I could focus on to help me through the year. That word - FAITH - played a bigger role than I ever thought possible. I needed my faith in God to get through some tough situations, unexplainable events and dark days.

2012 took me to 6 states: Montana, Florida, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and Indiana.  It brought me together with old and dear friends in Chicago and California, renewing my spirit. I got my dog exactly one year ago, at a time when I wasn't sure I was ready for another.  Despite all of the challenges of adopting a rescue dog and questioning keeping him, he makes me laugh and is so devoted to me.  My life would be plain without him and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I met a man I hoped was "The One" only to find out he wasn't. His words were music to my ears as he spoke of honor, protection, unconditional love. They were what I loved most but they weren't enough to overcome his transference of issues. But I believe he came into my life for reasons unknown. Maybe to renew my faith in good men?

My dad went to heaven in August.  I was able to spend time with him before he left and I am so thankful for that. As difficult as it was, I know that all that I had gone through in previous years helped me get through this. Had it not been for those events, I'm not sure I could have sat by his bedside and waited with him as he lay dying.

As I continue to press into God in faith, I welcome a new year of HOPE - hope for better days, for happier times and for my last first date.

May God bless us all and bring us peace.

Single and Childless: I know what you're thinking

An article by Melanie Notkin:

I know what you're thinking.

I can read it on your face... the distracted smile, the unconvincing nod, the slightly furrowed brow...
You're trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Or at the very least, what I'm doing wrong. The questions you ask yourself at the moment you've discovered I'm single and childless is: "Why is this woman still single and childless? What's wrong with her?"

If we haven't yet met, let me take a moment to describe what will happen when we do. You'll notice I'm attractive. Not a cover girl beauty, but attractive. You'll notice I'm petite and slim. I'll probably be wearing something that flatters me. I'm articulate and bright. I'm certainly someone who some men might find appealing enough to want to be with. And all this makes my circumstance even that much more curious to you.

And as you're thinking this, you'll notice I'm smiling back at you, and looking straight into your eyes as I shake your hand firmly, yet femininely. And a conversation will begin or continue about something other than what you are thinking...

So naturally, you'll be distracted, searching for clues in what I say, or don't say... in my mannerisms and in my face. You'll wonder how this happened to me... how I ended up single and without the children I always dreamed I'd have. If you're younger than I am, you'll either confirm to yourself that it could never possibly happen to you, or, now that you've met me, you'll wonder if it possibly could.
If you're married and a mom, you'll pat yourself on the back for knowing better that I did. Knowing 'what' exactly, neither of us is quite sure, but you'll let out a sigh of relief that you're safe and sound, despite any hidden challenges you are facing behind closed doors. You knew better, and that's enough for you.

And the gentlemen... well if we're on a date, you'll find a way to let me know that you're OK with my age, notwithstanding your own. You'll credit yourself for dating a woman who may no longer be able to have biological children -- or be relieved for that very fact. Either way, you'll let me know. You'll tell me how you usually date younger women but find women 'my age' (often your age) refreshing. Or, you'll tell me that your friends 'warned' you about my age, but you told them it didn't matter. "You don't look it!" you'll say as if it were consolation.

And I'll be smiling. I'll take a sip of my wine. I'll still laugh at your jokes.

But I know what you're thinking: What is wrong with this woman?

And before I can answer, you've come to a series of possible conclusions:
She's a 'career woman' and too focused on her career to be interested in love.
She's a 'career woman' and too cold to know love.
She's a 'career woman' and cannot make a man a priority in her life.
She's a 'career woman' and probably never really wanted a family.
She's too picky.
She's not picky enough and made bad choices.
She made a choice.
She never made a choice.
She's too needy.
She's not needy enough.
She doesn't need a man.
She needs a man too much.
She's trying too hard.
She's not trying hard enough.
She's too hard.
She's too soft.
She's inflexible.
She's been too flexible.
She thought she had forever to get married and have children; clearly, she is completely naïve about her fertility.
She never really wanted children or she would have had them.
She's too much of a feminist.
She's too much of a romantic.

And in your exasperation of final possibilities you think: There must be something unlovable about her, otherwise, she'd be loved by now.

But you'll notice something else about me; throughout this encounter, I'm still smiling. You're now thinking that I'm more confident than an unmarried, childless woman should be at my age. You're thinking that I'm happier than I should be... that I'm practically glowing, even! What is that about, you ask yourself?

The thing is, you don't know what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking that my life is not defined but anyone else's thoughts. Only my thoughts have the power to control my attitude toward life. If you read my thoughts, they would say:
I'm not in the wrong life being the wrong wife. My womb is empty but my life is full. My mother gave me a life and I'm not wasting it on grieving or thinking less of myself for not becoming a mother as well. I am loved. I am loveable. I am, in this moment, the very best me I can be. And while it may not be the life you, having just met me, would expect for me... it's the life, knowing myself for 43 years, that was meant to be mine.

I'm still growing, still tweaking my imperfections. Every single day, I take another bite out of my potential. But I never bite off more than I can chew. I have left plenty of room for love.
There may be many reasons why I'm not yet married and why I have not become a mother. But the only reason that matters is that it wasn't yet meant to be.

Hear me when I say I know what you're thinking. Know me when you believe what I'm saying.
Life is good. Tomorrow is better. And tomorrow we may meet again. And perhaps then, you will think differently.

Looking Back...

Another Christmas approaches. Hard to believe but its true. And soon, as 2013 approaches, I will begin to reflect upon the past year's highs and lows.

In anticipation of that, I will start by saying it was a year of stepping stones.  God put a lot on my plate, forcing me to deal with situations and people. Perhaps the best way to sum it up is that all of those experiences caused me to grow and know myself better. While some were challenging, others caused me to fiercely pull God close either for comfort or out of confusion and frustration. Things didn't turn out they way I thought they would but, in hindsight, I see why they needed to happen.

Sometimes, I feel like an etch-a-sketch game. God draws a picture then erases it and draws something else. But the remnants of the previous picture never fully go away even though the new picture can be seen through the old.

TBC...

And A Time to Every Purpose

Sept 27th marked one month since my dad passed away.  In some ways, it feels like it has been longer. I believe that is due to the fact that I have gained so much perspective and healing since then. Or perhaps because my preparation for it has been years in the making.

When I found out that my dad had dementia, I had no desire to see him. The thought of knowing he might not recognize me was more than I could bear. As it was, seeing him in his weakened state, completely dependent on mom was a challenge.  He's my dad. He's supposed to be strong, independent, self reliant. Old age had robbed him of these and reduced him to a needy child. It was too hard to see.


This weighed heavy on my heart, however. I remember sometime in early July confessing this fear to Fr Joseph. His advice was to pray for the courage to go and then go. He emphasized how critical it was for me to see dad before it got to be too late but I remained fearful. I  prayed for courage then mostly forgot about it as I went on my vacation to Chicago.

While in Chicago, I had the good fortune of sharing a room with two amazing women, both single and Catholic. We even had one night of silly, up-all-night girl talk about everything under the sun. Dad was one topic. Ruanne had gone though something very similar with her dad who had passed just 3 months prior. She was empathetic and agreed that a trip south was in order.

Two weeks after I returned from my vacation, I learned that dad was in the hospital.  He fell and broke his collar bone but apparently would be ok. This was the knock in the head with a hammer that I needed (prayed for?) to see dad.  Without giving it a second thought, I bought my ticket and flew down 3 days later.

Seeing dad lying in his hospital bed, bruised, broken and frail, was so hard but God gave me the courage to see him every night for a week. Even when I thought I couldn't handle seeing him that way any more, I still went. And I am so thankful for that. I had no idea that this would be the my last opportunity to visit with him, touch him, talk with him. Before he went into respiratory distress, I counted on him returning home as I did the same but that wasn't going to happen. Thankfully, two days before I was scheduled to go home, I changed my flight which allowed me to stay a week longer.  I wasn't satisfied with dad's progress and wanted to be sure of it. The following day he was put on life support, never to return.

In retrospect, the two weeks I spent in California were all part of God's greater plan. It had been 14 months since I last saw Maureen - holding her hand, watching her suffer, loving her through the vomit and mess, even when I thought I could endure no more. While I was with her, I learned compassion, tolerance and love in the face of death. I learned that God will give me all of the tools needed to face the unimaginable and that He would hold me up when I no longer had strength. I learned that my heart could bear so much more than I ever thought possible and that my fears had no place there. I learned to trust the love of God and allow that love to come through me, to reach her.  Ironically or strategically, that described my time with dad.

After being told the damage to his lungs was irreparable and there was no hope, I promised dad I wouldn't leave his side. I would not let him die alone.  And it was only by God's grace that I was able to get through watching the pain as he was "turned" every two hours or had phlegm sucked out of his lungs. It was His hand that dad squeezed as the phlebotomist tried to draw blood several times from his swollen and lifeless arms. As he lie there helpless, I was allowed to be his advocate, to protect him and keep him safe the way he had done for me when I was little. It was such a gift.  I had also been given the gift of time with dad - to tell him I loved him, to ask his forgiveness, to pray with him and to forgive him. For 5 days, I cried over, prayed with and cherished every minute. If there was ever a beautiful moment in my life, it was every minute of every day that we spent together, up to and even after his passing.

I'm amazed at the experiences God had brought me through. Amazed that I survived them, amazed that I have learned and grown from them. More than that, I am amazed at how much bigger my heart has become as a result. I can only imagine what He continues to prepare me for.  While I'm sure it will involve more heartache, I believe there will be many more beautiful moments like these. And I can finally say "I'm ready, Lord, for whatever you have planned for me" because I know, in the end, it will bring Him glory.  Isn't that what I was created for?   

So Much Cooler On-line

About 5 months ago, I signed up for an internet dating site.  I know many people who have had success with it and figured it was worth the $60 for 6 months.  It has been an interesting experience so far even though there has been no love connection.

I've communicated with several men.  Some who had potential, others I found very attractive.  Some few huge red flags, still others couldn't be interested in a short brunette without modeling credentials.   And of all the men I've communicated with, I have only met one local guy in person.  And he was soooo much cooler on-line.  

First, there was K from Kansas.  Very attractive, smart, funny, independent.  For whatever reason, there was no connection despite our phone conversations.  I have him as a friend and know that is all he will ever be.

Then there was P, a big time flirt who says all of the right things.  His desire to be loved by a woman supercedes his love for himself.  He abuses himself with food and work while hoping a woman will save him from himself.  I hope he finds that woman before he self-destructs.

Most recently, I met J.  He is a self proclaimed "Good Guy" whose biggest fear is that he will be rejected by a woman because he is a virgin.  I was put off by the amount of selling he did of himself.  His tactics of "I'm a romantic" and 'this is what I've done for other women' (flowers, candy, presents) did little to impress me.  We had three phone conversations that amounted to "I think you're pretty.  What do you think of me?"  Even our on-line chats followed the same line.  He tried really hard to sell himself to me.  Sadly, I wasn't buying it.  When he questioned what was wrong, I knew it was over before it even began.

Lastly, there is T.  He is an attractive man from Ohio who likes my sense of humor and thinks I'm beautiful.  We shared one on-line conversation that left me wanting more.  It may be too soon to call it but I have a feeling he will not pursue me and that is what I hope for.

I want chemistry.  I want a spark.  I want a man I can talk with, not just to.  I want depth  and levity and sincerity and flow.  I want someone who is real and not just a Wizard behind a curtain who tries to make me believe he is something more than he is. 

My membership will expire soon and I have yet to decide whether I will renew.  I know a "match" takes time but is this the right venue for me?  Time will tell.

A few words about Depression

It sucks... but I'm trying to succumb to the idea that I will  need to be on meds for the rest of my life. 
I don't like the idea of this but, as one who needs glasses to see, it is necessary if I want to feel human.
I often forget how dark my days become when my serotonin levels are low.  Its scary. 
I was told that 10% of the population suffers from clinical depression and I am among them.  But I should be thankful I am not among the % of people who suffer from worse ailments.  And, on good days, I am, however, until my meds kick back in, it stinks and I don't like it at all.  

Venting with a venti

As I sit in my local coffee shop, sipping a large cup of coffee and feeling the need to blog, all I want to do is vent.   I hate that thought but I think its what I need to do.   Its like the times when women are overcome with emotion and need to have a really good cry.   This is my really good cry without the tears.

1- I went to Costco yesterday afternoon and it was a madhouse.  Canadians were everywhere, cutting people off in the parking lot, parking their carts in the aisles, taking all of the milk.  They lack consideration for those of us who have to live in the city where they leave their clothes that they discarded for the new things they just bought.  That just annoys the heck outta me.

2- I gal I know, who recently divorced her husband, went on yet another date with a guy she recently met.  I haven't had a date in over 3 years and she goes from husband to boyfriend in a blink.  I'm so annoyed with that.

3- I went back to Weight Watchers because my weight hasn't changed since our fitness competition weigh out yet my clothes aren't fitting.  I'm eating cleaner than ever but my body isn't responding.  Yet, all around me are people who have horrible eating habits and stay the same.  Why does this annoy me?  I don't know.

4- I recently met a man who has a lot of potential.  Rather than accepting him for who he is, I have been picking apart his faults and issues.  Instead of see the good in him, I have allowed myself to be annoyed with his shortcomings.  So much about him bothers me but I can't say why.

5- In Crossfit, I was working on setting a PR in squats.  I squatted the heaviest weight I have ever done and was pretty proud of myself until a woman in class said, "You can almost squat as much as me." Man, did that annoy me... and still does.

Ironically, today at mass, Fr QuiTac (pronounced: qwee-tak) gave a sermon on a very similar topic which left me with a lot to think about.  He said people can become frustrated with other people but it is still our job to love them.  "Love the sinner but hate the sin."  What does this have to do with my current state of frustration?  Everything.... of course.  I hate to admit it but I have not been a very loving person lately, especially to myself.  I am letting anger, jealousy and envy back into my heart and it isn't healthy.  I was in that place once, not so long ago.  It wasn't a good place to be.  The issues I wrote above all come back to my issue with myself.  I realize that now but its a bitter pill to swallow.

As we got into Fall, I need to withdraw, regroup and be restored thru Christ.  That is no easy task but I know with time and prayer, I will emerge like a rainbow after the rain.  There is no other option.