Church recently did a series on lamentation. Not a real pick-me-up topic but an honest part of life. We we asked to write one of our own which included being vulnerable with God and honest with ourselves.
I was skeptical when I sat down to write mine but it didn't take long. It is honest and true but, gratefully, not a daily dwelling place. And I am including it here so I can refer to it in the future, when I forget to thank Him for my joy.
Hillcrest lamentation:
Lord,
For so long, I have called out to you, wanting comfort, wanting to hear you tell me that you hear me, that you haven’t forgotten me. Still, I wait for an answer or for something that says my sadness and loneliness will soon end.
My heart aches, Father, for all of the pain I’ve experienced recently. There is nothing but darkness around me. I have no family, no friends, no spouse, no children. All around me are people laughing and living. I see so much happiness being shared in families and communities but I am not a part of that. I am an outsider. I want so desperately to belong somewhere and to someone. Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this life? I have nothing, Lord but a broken, empty heart. How many times have I cried out to you, begging for this to end only to face another day isolated and alone? Sometimes, it’s too much to bear and I begin to believe that you ignore me and have rejected me. I lose hope.
My head questions you but my heart knows the truth. Lord, I know you love me and have plans to prosper me like you did with Job. You call me beautiful, friend, bride. You are faithful. You fill my needs, you watch over me, you hold me when I cry. You drown out the voices that tell me I am nothing, I have no value. You have revealed yourself to me in countless ways that I cannot deny. In you, I have everything I desire.
Help me, Father, to desire and submit to you. Only you can fill the emptiness inside of me.
Sun setting In Cuzco, Peru
May 2, 2011
April 3, 2011
Amazed
It has been 2 weeks since my last blog which I can't believe. Why? Well, I haven't been using up my 5000+ daily spoken words otherwise and if I haven't been writing, where did they go?
Well, I don't think I had anything to write about. I hurt my back doing Crossfit so I haven't been working out. My eating has been ok, too. I do have to admit that since I saw nutritionist Linda and have been eating her way, I don't crave sweets like I used to. I don't feel thinner and my clothes don't feel any better but my sweet tooth has gone on vacation and that is a good thing.
Despite the stuff or lack thereof that is going on in my life, I am amazed at how God is meeting me right where I am - at church, in my sore back, in my refrigerator. He is everywhere if I choose to look for Him. When I am sad that I have no friends, a thoughtful text appears on my phone or on Facebook. When I am lonely, my parakeet, Spirit, calls to me from her cage, wanting to be let out so she can preen me and sing to me. When I wish to be in a relationship, I hear of yet another couple heading for divorce. When my back issue gets me down, I have a day of reprieve and am reminded of how healthy I really am. When my life begins to feel mundane, my Ireland "room mate" Suzette sends me an Email loaded with things that make me laugh and anxious for this trip.
I often forget just how blessed I am. Although my life feels empty sometimes, I realize just how full it really is. It may not be my idea of full - kids, a spouse, a noisy/busy house- but its good enough for now. And soon the time will come to shed this skin and put on a new one.
Lord, prepare me for that day. Help me to see how all of these experiences are merely tools to use for another time. And that its ALL good.
Well, I don't think I had anything to write about. I hurt my back doing Crossfit so I haven't been working out. My eating has been ok, too. I do have to admit that since I saw nutritionist Linda and have been eating her way, I don't crave sweets like I used to. I don't feel thinner and my clothes don't feel any better but my sweet tooth has gone on vacation and that is a good thing.
Despite the stuff or lack thereof that is going on in my life, I am amazed at how God is meeting me right where I am - at church, in my sore back, in my refrigerator. He is everywhere if I choose to look for Him. When I am sad that I have no friends, a thoughtful text appears on my phone or on Facebook. When I am lonely, my parakeet, Spirit, calls to me from her cage, wanting to be let out so she can preen me and sing to me. When I wish to be in a relationship, I hear of yet another couple heading for divorce. When my back issue gets me down, I have a day of reprieve and am reminded of how healthy I really am. When my life begins to feel mundane, my Ireland "room mate" Suzette sends me an Email loaded with things that make me laugh and anxious for this trip.
I often forget just how blessed I am. Although my life feels empty sometimes, I realize just how full it really is. It may not be my idea of full - kids, a spouse, a noisy/busy house- but its good enough for now. And soon the time will come to shed this skin and put on a new one.
Lord, prepare me for that day. Help me to see how all of these experiences are merely tools to use for another time. And that its ALL good.
March 20, 2011
Make life happen
Life is good but life is short. With all of the death I've heard of or experienced recently, I'm beginning to realize just how true that it. Just last month, a former high school classmate died after being involved in a motorcycle accident. He was 42.
I wish I knew how long I would be on this earth. I wish I knew when God destined to bring me home to Him. The fact is I don't know and I never will until the time when I am called home. Its scary to think I have no control over this. I have no say in where or when or how.
Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they do not go gentle into that good night." Does that mean we should fight death? That we should tell God when we feel our time is up? Not at all. At least that's not how I read it.
I was given one chance - one life with which to do something. Anything. Do I use it to sit on the couch and watch the parade go by from the window? Do I try to discover a cure for cancer? Do I venture out into the great big world? Do I raise conscientious kids to be environmentally aware? Do I wait for something to happen? Do I smile at the one person who needs it most and maybe save his/her life by one simple gesture?
All of these are possible for me. I have done some, I will do others and I can still help with others. That's was great about life. The possibilities are endless. When I look down a tunnel, I tend to see only the darkness and not the long stretch of road that has no limits. I limit myself.
As I await God's plan for my life, its time to do something. I have decided to make something happen at least once each year. This year, I will go to Ireland/Scotland in July. I have never crossed the Atlantic Ocean and the idea of it scares me but it will be an adventure I will never forget. I have also wanted to visit every state at least once in my lifetime so its time to make that happen as well. I have at least 10 states under my belt but have a long way to go. With friends in Florida, Texas and North Carolina, I have even more reasons.
Life happens whether we want it to or not. Time to get moving. Life is for the living and I ain't dead yet.
I wish I knew how long I would be on this earth. I wish I knew when God destined to bring me home to Him. The fact is I don't know and I never will until the time when I am called home. Its scary to think I have no control over this. I have no say in where or when or how.
Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they do not go gentle into that good night." Does that mean we should fight death? That we should tell God when we feel our time is up? Not at all. At least that's not how I read it.
I was given one chance - one life with which to do something. Anything. Do I use it to sit on the couch and watch the parade go by from the window? Do I try to discover a cure for cancer? Do I venture out into the great big world? Do I raise conscientious kids to be environmentally aware? Do I wait for something to happen? Do I smile at the one person who needs it most and maybe save his/her life by one simple gesture?
All of these are possible for me. I have done some, I will do others and I can still help with others. That's was great about life. The possibilities are endless. When I look down a tunnel, I tend to see only the darkness and not the long stretch of road that has no limits. I limit myself.
As I await God's plan for my life, its time to do something. I have decided to make something happen at least once each year. This year, I will go to Ireland/Scotland in July. I have never crossed the Atlantic Ocean and the idea of it scares me but it will be an adventure I will never forget. I have also wanted to visit every state at least once in my lifetime so its time to make that happen as well. I have at least 10 states under my belt but have a long way to go. With friends in Florida, Texas and North Carolina, I have even more reasons.
Life happens whether we want it to or not. Time to get moving. Life is for the living and I ain't dead yet.
The Best Loved Doll
When I was a kid, one of my favorite stories was called "The Best Loved Doll". Its the story of a girl who gets invited to a party where prizes will be given for the oldest doll, the best-dressed doll, and the doll who can do the most things. The girl looks through her collection of dolls - some beautiful, some elaborately dressed, some with many talents. The competition is fierce and the suspense mounts as the girl looks over all of her dolls, trying to decide which one to take. She finally decides on a raggedy, well worn doll whose rough appearance and tattered clothes impress no one but the girl. This doll is the girl's favorite and best loved.
That doll is me - cracked and damaged, worn and ragged. I have a lifetime of painful experiences that contribute to the wear and tear of every day life. So much of me is broken, and parts of me are missing. All around me are women more beautiful, thin, wonderfully dressed, perfect. Sometimes, I see that I am a mess when I compare myself to them. I see women training for marathons when it hurts me sometimes to walk because if a back issue. I envy women in high heeled shoes and skinny jeans with precisely applied make up and flawless hair knowing heels aggravates my back, my fat jeans are tight, the cold sore on my face feels like Mt Vesuvius and the grays are overtaking the browns. I hear of weddings and newborn babies realizing that, at this moment, it is just me.
Sometimes that stuff gets me down. But, like the doll in the story, I know that no matter how I look or how broken I am, I am still loved. I have the love of friends and family, of church and Father, Son & Holy Spirit. And I know that if I am who I was created to be and live my life in the way I was created to live, I will be giving as well as receiving love. Aches and pains, wrinkles and grays are a part of who I am. And that's ok. Because no matter what, I will always be the best loved me.
That doll is me - cracked and damaged, worn and ragged. I have a lifetime of painful experiences that contribute to the wear and tear of every day life. So much of me is broken, and parts of me are missing. All around me are women more beautiful, thin, wonderfully dressed, perfect. Sometimes, I see that I am a mess when I compare myself to them. I see women training for marathons when it hurts me sometimes to walk because if a back issue. I envy women in high heeled shoes and skinny jeans with precisely applied make up and flawless hair knowing heels aggravates my back, my fat jeans are tight, the cold sore on my face feels like Mt Vesuvius and the grays are overtaking the browns. I hear of weddings and newborn babies realizing that, at this moment, it is just me.
Sometimes that stuff gets me down. But, like the doll in the story, I know that no matter how I look or how broken I am, I am still loved. I have the love of friends and family, of church and Father, Son & Holy Spirit. And I know that if I am who I was created to be and live my life in the way I was created to live, I will be giving as well as receiving love. Aches and pains, wrinkles and grays are a part of who I am. And that's ok. Because no matter what, I will always be the best loved me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)