Kathleen's death

Mom called at 6:30 with the news - Kathleen was gone.  She had no details other than to say she was found in her room.  I was in shock. I am in shock. I can't believe that she is gone.  

My heart breaks for her mother, my sister, who was closest to her.  She was her friend and confidant. No two could be closer. I can't imagine how broken my sister must feel. It kills me to think about.

My heart breaks for her father, my brother in law, who loved her so much. He was her hero. She was his buddy. They had traveled to different states together just to ride roller coasters. 

My heart breaks for her grandmother, my mom who sits helpless in her wheel chair, unable to do anything. She is a powerless woman made more powerless by this situation which she couldn't control.

My heart breaks for my niece, her sister, who is now an only child. No two could be more opposite yet love each other still. 

Mostly, my heart aches unbearably for Kathleen who saw no way out of whatever predicament she was in. She was just 20 years old.  So wise yet so innocent, so free yet so tormented. What could have driven her to take her own life? It makes no sense. There was no note. There were no clues. There will not be any peace to come by this. So many questions and second guesses yet no answers. Only devastation and confusion left in the wake. 

 

Faith. Hope. Love.

A few years ago, a friend of mine started an annual tradition among a group of us. At the beginning of the year, we are to think of a word that we could focus on throughout that year. It could be anything- joy, laughter, forgiveness, you name it.  Maybe some of you have already done this but it was new to me.

Once we submitted our word to her, she made up a cute little cut-out card with that one word. My first word was FAITH. I kept that card at my desk where I would see it as I worked. It helped me get through times of discouragement, sadness and loss. Whenever I began to question God, I was reminded of my wish to be faithful to Him for the year. That was no easy task but I survived. 

I really contemplated the second year's word as I wanted it to reflect what was my new struggle. HOPE became a natural choice for me.  Once I relinquished control of my life to Him, I worked on hoping for His will alone. That year presented different yet equally challenging circumstances where my sense of hope was strained. But I held firm and ended the year filled with the stuff. What a great feeling that was!

Of course, the third year should be LOVE, right? It just flows but I wasn't sure. While I had faith that God had someone intended just for me and I hoped for the same, I wasn't sure I was ready for love.  But then I realized that that "love" wasn't meant for anyone but Him. I had learned to believe in and anticipate His goodness in the previous years. Now I needed to love Him with all of my heart. 

Its amazing how things can change when one's focus is changed. As I look back on the past three years and reflect on my chosen words, I see how God has changed me and caused me to grow, confident in His will for my life. I submit joyfully to Him, believing that the best is yet to come. And for that I am thankful.

By the way, GRATEFUL will be my 2015 word. You see, He brought me the most amazing man recently.  We are to be married in October and I still can't believe it. My CM guy is everything I had prayed for. God heard me, even in my saddest times and answered my prayers in His time, not mine. I'm sure that's what the past three years have been leading me to. 

God is good, all the time.  Praise God!

The One... -Part 2

Five weeks after spending time with Joe on the prairie, I am here again.  This time its under very different circumstances. 

Even though we had talked almost every day on the phone, there were still many unanswered questions that needed to be asked during my first official trip in October. During our time together, we realized that we had a connection with and deep affection for each other. Distance and communication made being apart difficult but our time together was seamless. It was then that we knew we loved each other with a love that would grow over time.

Once I was back home, he asked if I would spend Thanksgiving with him. It would give us more time to discern where this was headed so I agreed.

I have been in SD for almost a week and will have to leave him again tomorrow morning to go back to life in WA. This time its different. We are different. Life is more familiar to me here, more complete. I'm not sure I was made for prairie life but I was created to be this farmer's wife. I know that now. I'm not sure how but I do.

I love this man's goofy sense of humor and the way he pats me on the head. He is so easy going, well liked and highly thought of. He is always up for a wrestling match yet is gentle as one is with an infant. He is tender, thoughtful, loving. I have rearranged his life as he knew it and his response has been - "honey, where did I move my (insert anything)?" He is slow to anger and easy to love. I want to be with him wherever he is.

He has asked me to marry him and I have accepted. And when our day comes, this passage will be part of our ceremony:

From the Book of Ruth 1:16-17
But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

I love you, Farmer Joe.

The One... - Part 1

I've heard it said that when you meet the right person, you just know it.  There has never been a person, however, who was able to follow that up with how you know it.  I have asked this question to every happy couple I know.  Most recent was Kyle.

He met Corinne on Valentine's day, doing a run - something they both love doing.  Seventeen months later, they were married. I've known Kyle for some time.  He has been through many relationships, always in search of "the one". So, when he found her, I was hoping for an answer to my question that was a bit more filling.  It was a feeling, he would say then add that he can't describe it other than to say, he "just knew".

Although I've never experienced that feeling, I think I get it now. In August,  I met a man as a result of my travels through the midwest. He is unlike any man I've known or dated. We were virtual strangers when we met but I was comfortable with him. I knew he wouldn't harm me but how? There is something about who he is - unpretentious, uncomplicated, witty - that puts me at ease.  He is unphased by much.  He doesn't put on airs but I believe he wants to impress me.  Just when I think he is no more than a friend, he says something that melts my heart. He's weathered from years of farming with eyes sharpened by the sun yet his touch is gentle, his caress is soft. Sometimes he says something so random, I want to pull my hair out. Other times his sentiment makes my heart flutter and my body temp rise. The littlest things about him make me smile.

He is the turtle in my rabbit life. He is consistent as an hour glass. He hesitates for fear of being hurt yet wears his heart on his sleeve.  He laughs easily, cherishes touch, has a healthy imagination. He's no push over, no softie, no door mat. He doesn't hold back his opinion but keeps it tempered. He's a rough and tumble country boy who likes to snuggle. He will stand against anyone who means to harm his beloved but crumbles at her touch. He is Chuck Norris tough but can write the most beautiful poem, for her eyes only. 

Who is this man? And why did our paths cross at this stage in life? In a few short hours, I will leave my home to be with him in his.  To experience life on the prairie and to see if everything we experienced during our first encounter was real.  I'm excited to see him even though I know that when the time comes to leave, my life will be forever changed. When it is time, I will either dread coming home or I will be ready. I feel I know the answer but only time will tell.