An end and a beginning

I began this blog a few years ago as a way to process the death of my best friend.  It has since become a source of enlightenment and healing. 

When I embarked on that journey, I had no idea what was in store and wrote whatever needed to be written. In some blogs, I held onto hope. In others, I cried out of sadness and loneliness.  I tried to remain faithful in spite of it all, believing that the life I had lived to that point was not all there was. It was all stepping stones on the way to something better. I firmly believed God had a plan for me. Was I always so sure? Nope. It was a struggle, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. But, through it all, I always managed to call out to God for help, comfort, answers. Eventually, He answered me. 

I met the farmer in August 2014. It was by chance (not really) that our paths crossed the way they did. At no other time and under no other circumstances would we have met were it not for the path laid by God. My first blog is proof of that. As a  result of our meet, we will soon marry. 

My need to blog has changed.  My heart has healed and my prayers have been answered.  For these reasons I will leave this blog and begin a brand new one.  Its a bittersweet feeling however there is no sense putting new wine into old wine skins, right? 

An end and a beginning as I present - The Farmer Takes His Bride. 

Me!!!

A funny thing happened on the way to growing up

Its late and I'm tired.  But, I needed to write tonight because today was a day worth noting. Why?

First, because it has been six months since Kathleen was found hanging in her bedroom.
Second, because there are 60 days left before I marry Joe and begin a new life adventure.
Last and most important, because I realize that I have finally come into my own.

Last Saturday, I flew to CA with the goal of returning to WA with mom four days later. The situation I was in while at my sister's house was indescribable but, for the first time in a very long while, I felt like a grown up. I could see with such clarity things that I had never seen before.

Growing up, I admired my sister. She was beautiful, smart, popular and mom's favorite. I wanted so much to be like her, mainly so I could have mom's attention but also to feel like I was visible and significant. I struggled with those longings for years. It wasn't until I began to see the fissures behind Mary's facade that I realized how I am much better off being me. I have gone through a lot over the years. With God's grace and prudent counsel, I was able to get out of the muck and mire and figure out who I am and who I was created to be. Sadly, I don't think my sister has a clue. Being there, I could see how hard she tries to control everything around her by appealing to sympathies of others or through the shock-value effect ("wanna see Kathleen's room" "wanna see my wound").  It seems very strange to me that something that was so devastating could be considered a main attraction.

I initially thought that my jealousy was clouding my judgment and mercies but that wasn't the case. I was finally seeing who Mary had become as a result of living an unhealthy physical, mental and emotional life.  She is a broken woman who surrounds herself with stuff to help her feel safe. She has 15 cuckoo clocks that would drive a sane person mad. Even with her heart condition, she continues to abuse her body, refusing to take care of herself. For some unknown reason, she has a death wish. Why else would any person have so little regard for their own well being? I don't get it.

Even more remarkable than this is my relationship with my mother. Granted, she has only been here for 5 days but I am enjoying her company. Finding out all that she has had to endure while living with sister makes me angry and want to protect her. I don't want her to go back to CA. I don't want her to be unhappy as she has been. I want to her to live out her life in peace which she won't have there.  My concern is for her but for no other reason than I love her and want her to be happy. As I admit this to myself, I see how all of my insecurities and feelings about my childhood are gone. The child has been loved and healed and has grown into the adult. Me. A grown up.

As mom and I spend time together, I am at peace with her.  My longing for her attention has disappeared. My sadness in knowing she would never see "me" is gone. My desire to have her love has been realized. She loves me. It may not have been what I wanted years ago but it is here now. "Good night, my love" she says to me every night before bed. I sigh. I am her love. And always will be.

Kathleen's death

Mom called at 6:30 with the news - Kathleen was gone.  She had no details other than to say she was found in her room.  I was in shock. I am in shock. I can't believe that she is gone.  

My heart breaks for her mother, my sister, who was closest to her.  She was her friend and confidant. No two could be closer. I can't imagine how broken my sister must feel. It kills me to think about.

My heart breaks for her father, my brother in law, who loved her so much. He was her hero. She was his buddy. They had traveled to different states together just to ride roller coasters. 

My heart breaks for her grandmother, my mom who sits helpless in her wheel chair, unable to do anything. She is a powerless woman made more powerless by this situation which she couldn't control.

My heart breaks for my niece, her sister, who is now an only child. No two could be more opposite yet love each other still. 

Mostly, my heart aches unbearably for Kathleen who saw no way out of whatever predicament she was in. She was just 20 years old.  So wise yet so innocent, so free yet so tormented. What could have driven her to take her own life? It makes no sense. There was no note. There were no clues. There will not be any peace to come by this. So many questions and second guesses yet no answers. Only devastation and confusion left in the wake. 

 

Faith. Hope. Love.

A few years ago, a friend of mine started an annual tradition among a group of us. At the beginning of the year, we are to think of a word that we could focus on throughout that year. It could be anything- joy, laughter, forgiveness, you name it.  Maybe some of you have already done this but it was new to me.

Once we submitted our word to her, she made up a cute little cut-out card with that one word. My first word was FAITH. I kept that card at my desk where I would see it as I worked. It helped me get through times of discouragement, sadness and loss. Whenever I began to question God, I was reminded of my wish to be faithful to Him for the year. That was no easy task but I survived. 

I really contemplated the second year's word as I wanted it to reflect what was my new struggle. HOPE became a natural choice for me.  Once I relinquished control of my life to Him, I worked on hoping for His will alone. That year presented different yet equally challenging circumstances where my sense of hope was strained. But I held firm and ended the year filled with the stuff. What a great feeling that was!

Of course, the third year should be LOVE, right? It just flows but I wasn't sure. While I had faith that God had someone intended just for me and I hoped for the same, I wasn't sure I was ready for love.  But then I realized that that "love" wasn't meant for anyone but Him. I had learned to believe in and anticipate His goodness in the previous years. Now I needed to love Him with all of my heart. 

Its amazing how things can change when one's focus is changed. As I look back on the past three years and reflect on my chosen words, I see how God has changed me and caused me to grow, confident in His will for my life. I submit joyfully to Him, believing that the best is yet to come. And for that I am thankful.

By the way, GRATEFUL will be my 2015 word. You see, He brought me the most amazing man recently.  We are to be married in October and I still can't believe it. My CM guy is everything I had prayed for. God heard me, even in my saddest times and answered my prayers in His time, not mine. I'm sure that's what the past three years have been leading me to. 

God is good, all the time.  Praise God!