Three steps forward, two steps back

 I'd like to think that, after years of counseling, I have my sh*t together.  I figured ME out and I was better. Sadly, I would be lying to myself if I believed that.  Three years of living with mom had the opposite affect from what I had hoped for. I was hoping for acknowledgment, I got attitude. I was hoping to be seen, I got her move back to CA.  When she left in April 2023, I assumed it would signal huge relief.  And it did for a little while. Until I crashed and fell back into rejection and abandonment. I got back into counseling to process these feelings and get built back up. It helped, until Karlie moved away. 

Our initial conversations were likely meant to convince herself (or me?) that it was a good decision and she felt welcomed and loved there. My skepticism was intact as I believed it would deteriorate in time. 

I was right! 

At first, it was great!  They loved on her, bought her flowers, "gave" her an expensive dog.  It took about a year before she started to complain. Her jewelry started to go missing. She gave them $26,000 to help with the retaining wall in the back yard. She discovered they're taking $500 out of her bank account every month for "rent".  She never leaves the house. Sometimes she cries when she calls. Nothing new, I know. She also acknowledges this was her decision and she has to live with it. She wants to go to Costa Rica but she's afraid to tell MA this. Apparently, MA doesn't think it's a good idea as it's too far and mom's too sick.  We think it's that MA doesn't want to part with mom's money.  Of course, MA won't fly there with her so she looks to me to take her. MA is too busy and mom doesn't want to bother her by asking. This irritates me as MA is retired and has nothing but free time yet I'm the one who can be inconvenienced. Ugh!

Also, about 3 months ago, she called to let me know she had been in the hospital for a week due to water on her heart. She isn't sure of the diagnosis but has to take pills given to her daily by MA. I suspect it's congestive heart failure but no one will tell me for sure.  Some days, she sounds fine, other days she sounds weak. 

The week of Kelly' birthday, mom went to her house to spent a few days so MA and Tony could go on vacation. By the end of her time there she was not happy. Go figure. She said Kelly was good to her but James kept looking at her funny and made her feel uncomfortable. She said she will never spent the night there again. I kinda chuckle when I think that she is making life miserable for them. After all, they created that monster. 

Laurie gets married in September. I made the mistake of encouraging Laurie to invite Mom.  I never thought she'd want to go but she does.  And, of course we'll have to drive her to and from the wedding as MA can't be bothered. Not even if mom paid her? I wonder.  Anyway, mom will need a nice dress for the occasion which I told her to find.  Initially, I wanted to order her one so she'd feel good about herself. I figured if I found her a dress she liked, then she might like me. That thought didn't occur to me at first. My counselor pointed that out to me, as well as that I'm still looking for acknowledgment.  Ugh. When will that ever end? When will I be secure enough to not need their affirmation or attention?  

There and back again

 Who says you can't go home again? Joe and I have just returned from a trip to Bellingham and it was amazing! I'd go as far as saying it restored me. The traveling days were terribly long but made up for by the friends and family we spent time with. Coming back to SD is hard, always is. My tribe is there and I miss them. 

Shari picked us up from the shuttle stop and brought us to their house for dinner. I got to see Blakely and Trace who have grown so much. I wonder if they still see me the same way they used to. I miss those days. I miss those kids. 

We stayed at Ann's house.  She was very gracious and kind to us. We got the run of the house but were kept in check by guard dog Axl, her 1 yr old Border Collie/Poodle mix. He is a love but a hand full. With little training and no boundaries, he's a wild child, much like Tucker was when I first got him. I was able to work with him a little and find he is very smart but his lack of discipline makes him unruly. The Border Collie in him needs a job. Ann is doing well but seems to have become reclusive.  She chats with neighbors but spends most of her time in the house. I don't think she misses Gene but that her health is waning. I think she looks great for 80 y.o.  She may just miss having company as she really came to life in the week we were there. Although she spend the days in bed, she'd come to life in the afternoon and stay up late cleaning or web surfing. We had our best talks at night, right before I went to bed. She told me she'd love to have me for a daughter. She has become a mom figure for me now. Thank you, God. 

FRIDAY

The first thing we did was hit Starbucks for Joe. He's not a fan, btw. There, I ran into Adriana, my old lifting partner. That was a true surprise! While her looks deceived us both, she looked the same. She is still married to David and has 2 kids.  She seems like a great mom and is still such a good person. 

I tried to track down Susan while she was at school but she left before I could surprise her. 

At 11:30, we went to Dave Richards' house and met with some of the old guys - Carr Lanham, Ruben Baca, Al Jensen, Tim & Bessie Lintz, Melissa Locke and my Amiga Claudia. It was such a lovely time catching up with them. I wish it could've lasted longer but they have lives to live. Dave and Ida have become surrogate parents for me. Their love and acceptance is unconditional. I appreciate their counsel as well. They have a downstairs apartment that they've offered to us. They are very kind. 

Dinner with the Millers that night and a nice visit with Wayne & Rhudi as Shari scrambled to get ready for graduation.  We took the girls for Menchies for yogurt and one on one time. I've said it before, I'll say it again - they're so grown up. 

SATURDAY

We took Axl for a nice long walk in the morning, training him along the way. He needs that to expend his energy. I feel bad that he is in the house all day long with no interaction. He is skittish and that's probably why. 

I was so proud to witness Trace graduate. It was a big day and he made it. The ceremony itself was 1.5hrs which was nice and fast.  After the ceremony, Joe was hungry so we hit Taco Lobo. Still as good as ever. 

Before the party, we went to Sacred Heart for church. I got to talk with Debra Black after mass. It was good to see her, though I didn't recognize her. She is a true warrior, fighting the evils of transgenderism which is big in WA. 

By the time we got back to the Millers, the party was over.  :(   That's ok because we got Miller attention. I'm selfish, I know. 

SUNDAY

I don't remember much of the day but we went to Susan's for dinner that night and got to meet boyfriend Tyler. What a good man and the perfect fit for Susan! She glows with happiness and I am so happy for her. She and I have been through a lot together so it fills my heart to see her know such joy. He is her soulmate, I firmly believe. 

We missed the grand Millers dinner together due to dinner with Susan. That was a bummer. I missed the chaos that is Milhaus. 

MONDAY

Since the grand Millers were headed back to Montana, we went back to their house at 6am this morning and waited. And waited.  The Millers showed up a half hour late thanks to Wayne. I love how Rhudi vents against Wayne. those two have been married 70 years and have lasted through some trials.  Despite their frustrations, they are a testament to marriage. We were able to say good bye to them and Shay before they headed back to Montana.  We also visited Angelika for a short time. She is not doing so well. Being alone and elderly, she is feeble and in pain. She has no one - no family or friends- to keep her company and help her. My heart breaks for her. 

We had dinner with Susan and the Millers Monday night at Jalapenos. The boys came late, left early but it was good to have some time with them. Kurt had had a bad day at work so they were late, too. I still enjoyed it. 

TUESDAY

We hung around the house in the morning and walked Axl. He is such a sweet boy but a bit neurotic. I wish we could spend more time with him and help build up his confidence. He needs interaction with other people and dogs. I will miss him. 

We met the Haskins at Calico Cupboard for lunch. I always enjoy time with them. There is so much going on in their lives yet they are joy filled and have an aura of peace. I'm envious of them, I guess.  They have 5 grand babies and one on the way. I wish that were my life sometimes I know they went through a lot to get there but its worth the fight knowing the outcome. They are struggling with Nehemiah right now which is sad. But they are strong and rooted in their faith. Jesus will see them through. 

We spent the afternoon at Ann's, getting ready to leave. It was precious time. our plan was also to see the Miller kids but got to the house too late; they were all asleep. That was a bummer. 

WEDNESDAY

The trip home is always long and dreaded.  Joe gets cranky and can be hard to be around. He's so easy to love while we're away but when we get home, its back to being stressed and irritable which makes me miss Bellingham that much more. 

   

An end and a beginning

I began this blog a few years ago as a way to process the death of my best friend.  It became since a source of enlightenment and healing. 

When I embarked on that journey, I had no idea what was in store and wrote whatever needed to be written. In some blogs, I held onto hope. In others, I cried out of sadness and loneliness.  I tried to remain faithful in spite of it all, believing that the life I had lived to that point was not all there was. It was all stepping stones on the way to something better. I firmly believed God had a plan for me. Was I always so sure? Nope. It was a struggle, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly. But, through it all, I always managed to call out to God for help, comfort, answers. Eventually, He answered me. 

I met the farmer in August 2014. It was by chance (not really) that our paths crossed the way they did. At no other time and under no other circumstances would we have met were it not for the path laid by God. My first blog is proof of that. As a  result of our meet, we will soon marry. 

My need to blog has changed.  My heart has healed and my prayers have been answered.  For these reasons I will leave this blog and begin a brand new one.  Its a bittersweet feeling however there is no sense putting new wine into old wine skins, right? 

An end and a beginning as I present - The Farmer Takes His Bride. 

Me!!!

A funny thing happened on the way to growing up

Its late and I'm tired.  But, I needed to write tonight because today was a day worth noting. Why?

First, because it has been six months since Kathleen was found hanging in her bedroom.
Second, because there are 60 days left before I marry Joe and begin a new life adventure.
Last and most important, because I realize that I have finally come into my own.

Last Saturday, I flew to CA with the goal of returning to WA with mom four days later. The situation I was in while at my sister's house was indescribable but, for the first time in a very long while, I felt like a grown up. I could see with such clarity things that I had never seen before.

Growing up, I admired my sister. She was beautiful, smart, popular and mom's favorite. I wanted so much to be like her, mainly so I could have mom's attention but also to feel like I was visible and significant. I struggled with those longings for years. It wasn't until I began to see the fissures behind Mary's facade that I realized how I am much better off being me. I have gone through a lot over the years. With God's grace and prudent counsel, I was able to get out of the muck and mire and figure out who I am and who I was created to be. Sadly, I don't think my sister has a clue. Being there, I could see how hard she tries to control everything around her by appealing to sympathies of others or through the shock-value effect ("wanna see Kathleen's room" "wanna see my wound").  It seems very strange to me that something that was so devastating could be considered a main attraction.

I initially thought that my jealousy was clouding my judgment and mercies but that wasn't the case. I was finally seeing who Mary had become as a result of living an unhealthy physical, mental and emotional life.  She is a broken woman who surrounds herself with stuff to help her feel safe. She has 15 cuckoo clocks that would drive a sane person mad. Even with her heart condition, she continues to abuse her body, refusing to take care of herself. For some unknown reason, she has a death wish. Why else would any person have so little regard for their own well being? I don't get it.

Even more remarkable than this is my relationship with my mother. Granted, she has only been here for 5 days but I am enjoying her company. Finding out all that she has had to endure while living with sister makes me angry and want to protect her. I don't want her to go back to CA. I don't want her to be unhappy as she has been. I want to her to live out her life in peace which she won't have there.  My concern is for her but for no other reason than I love her and want her to be happy. As I admit this to myself, I see how all of my insecurities and feelings about my childhood are gone. The child has been loved and healed and has grown into the adult. Me. A grown up.

As mom and I spend time together, I am at peace with her.  My longing for her attention has disappeared. My sadness in knowing she would never see "me" is gone. My desire to have her love has been realized. She loves me. It may not have been what I wanted years ago but it is here now. "Good night, my love" she says to me every night before bed. I sigh. I am her love. And always will be.