I'd like to think that, after years of counseling, I have my sh*t together. I figured ME out and I was better. Sadly, I would be lying to myself if I believed that. Three years of living with mom had the opposite affect from what I had hoped for. I was hoping for acknowledgment, I got attitude. I was hoping to be seen, I got her move back to CA. When she left in April 2023, I assumed it would signal huge relief. And it did for a little while. Until I crashed and fell back into rejection and abandonment. I got back into counseling to process these feelings and get built back up. It helped, until Karlie moved away.
Our initial conversations were likely meant to convince herself (or me?) that it was a good decision and she felt welcomed and loved there. My skepticism was intact as I believed it would deteriorate in time.
I was right!
At first, it was great! They loved on her, bought her flowers, "gave" her an expensive dog. It took about a year before she started to complain. Her jewelry started to go missing. She gave them $26,000 to help with the retaining wall in the back yard. She discovered they're taking $500 out of her bank account every month for "rent". She never leaves the house. Sometimes she cries when she calls. Nothing new, I know. She also acknowledges this was her decision and she has to live with it. She wants to go to Costa Rica but she's afraid to tell MA this. Apparently, MA doesn't think it's a good idea as it's too far and mom's too sick. We think it's that MA doesn't want to part with mom's money. Of course, MA won't fly there with her so she looks to me to take her. MA is too busy and mom doesn't want to bother her by asking. This irritates me as MA is retired and has nothing but free time yet I'm the one who can be inconvenienced. Ugh!
Also, about 3 months ago, she called to let me know she had been in the hospital for a week due to water on her heart. She isn't sure of the diagnosis but has to take pills given to her daily by MA. I suspect it's congestive heart failure but no one will tell me for sure. Some days, she sounds fine, other days she sounds weak.
The week of Kelly' birthday, mom went to her house to spent a few days so MA and Tony could go on vacation. By the end of her time there she was not happy. Go figure. She said Kelly was good to her but James kept looking at her funny and made her feel uncomfortable. She said she will never spent the night there again. I kinda chuckle when I think that she is making life miserable for them. After all, they created that monster.
Laurie gets married in September. I made the mistake of encouraging Laurie to invite Mom. I never thought she'd want to go but she does. And, of course we'll have to drive her to and from the wedding as MA can't be bothered. Not even if mom paid her? I wonder. Anyway, mom will need a nice dress for the occasion which I told her to find. Initially, I wanted to order her one so she'd feel good about herself. I figured if I found her a dress she liked, then she might like me. That thought didn't occur to me at first. My counselor pointed that out to me, as well as that I'm still looking for acknowledgment. Ugh. When will that ever end? When will I be secure enough to not need their affirmation or attention?
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