Walls

I'm stealing this from a website I read recently.  I thought it was good enough to share.  Or at least be a reminder to myself.  

What Walls Are You Hiding Behind?
Cliff Young

"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect."
— Ronald Reagan

We seem to have become a more public society in a very private way.  We have placed ourselves and our identities out into social networks, yet we conceal ourselves with user and screen names, firewalls and private barriers.

This age of technology has emboldened us to speak out in ways we would never consider face-to-face, through e-mails and blog sites, yet hide our true emotions behind the walls we have built around who we truly are...

Archaeologists and historians have found walls dating back thousands of years that are still standing in the same position they were built, mostly for self-preservation and the defense of property.  Here's how Globalsecurity.org explains the protective measures and "walls" built around the Green Zone, the common name of a 10-square-kilometer area in Central Baghdad, which is the center of the Coalition Provisional Authority:

The Green Zone is defended with coils of razor wire, chain-link fences, earthen berms and armed checkpoints. The area is defended by M1 Abrams tanks, Bradley fighting vehicles and HUMVEEs with .50 caliber machine guns on top. The Green Zone appears under siege, with barriers, high concrete walls and checkpoints. US officials are rarely visible outside it and rules for British personnel bar them from leaving it unless accompanied by four bodyguards and an armored vehicle.

Clearly, anyone near the Green Zone can see the defensive measures put in place for protection of property and personnel; however, many of us have built similar and oftentimes impenetrable walls and defenses around ourselves, which can't be readily seen, nor easily dismantled.  They can be an innate introverted personality or a perimeter fence of shyness, self-destructive measures to combat fear or a fortified impassable barrier around our hearts from years of emotional scarring.

Many of us have lived with these protective measures in place for so long we have become accustomed to and comfortable residing behind them.  They have become part of our life and who we are, and then we question why we can't get closer to people or experience a fuller, more joyful life.

These types of barriers are rarely constructed over night, but rather built over time.  With each disappointment we go through, wrong done against us, and regret we carry with us, another stone is placed in our wall.  Over time we don't even notice how high or fortified our walls have become. 

When a breach in our defenses occurs or an area of vulnerability is discovered, we reconstruct our walls taller and stronger to ensure our safety from future "attacks."


I am not immune to the "emotional" wall-building industry, very few are.  I have constructed some sturdy yet hidden walls to protect myself from being hurt.  I have questioned, "How did I allow myself to get hurt again?"  I tell myself, "I won't let that happen again."  My solution—I close myself in and don't allow those feelings to be exposed.  I place another couple of courses of brick in place, I don't make myself as vulnerable, and I quit taking risks.

However, over time (and many lonely days and nights), I have learned hurt and pain comes with living and the key to wall demolition is accepting that disappointments will happen, branching out of my comfort (or Green) zone into uncomfortable situations, praying for and forgiving those who hurt me, and seeking God's greater purpose behind those hurts (becoming closer to him, growing as a person, learning how to be more Christlike, learning to accept others, discovering a person or type of person isn't right for me, having proper expectations, etc.).

When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly (1 Corinthians 4:12-13).

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).

Growing as a follower of Christ is not reacting like the world reacts to situations—with anger, vindication, and vengeance.  It means living like Jesus lived—with compassion, grace, love, hope, forgiveness and concern for others.  It also means learning from the pain you experience to grow, in yourself and closer to him.

I discovered if I stop "living" (and putting myself out), I may be able to reduce the hurt I encounter; however I will not live a life worthy of my calling as a Christian.  I will not experience the life God has called me to live. (Ephesians 4:1)

Jesus taught this lesson in the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.  The landowner gave a number of talents to three of his servants.  Two of the servants doubled the amount of talents they were given by putting the money to work, while one buried and hid the talent he was entrusted to.  When the landowner returned he admonished the "lazy" servant who did nothing.

For whatever reason you find yourself hiding behind your wall—fear, past disappointment, insecurity, etc—begin the process of tearing down those walls by asking God to help you to forgive yourself, forgive others for what they may have done to you, remove the load you have been carrying, give you strength and fortitude to step out into new situations, and live a life worthy of the calling you were given.

We are all imperfect and fallible.  Life is too short to hide behind our walls, carry undue burdens, harbor ill feelings toward others or not utilize the gifts and talents we were given.

The walls we have constructed to "keep people out" are the same walls that "keep us in." 

Begin your journey of experiencing God's best for your life today by living it outside of your walls, outside of the constraints you have put on yourself and outside where others can experience the true beauty God has created in you.

My wall

When is "enough" enough?

The current series we're discussing at church for the next several months is called "R U 4 Me?"  It explores whether or not we are living our lives for God.

Today's talk asks us to identify what we are doing, if anything.  With so many charities and needs in this world, its hard to choose.  And then to know that what we do is enough.  Will it ever be enough?  I am an emergency placement foster parent.  I take in lost dogs and track down their owners.  I tithe.  I have been on missions trips.  I contribute to the mail carrier's annual food drive.  I donate to the Humane society.  I never say "No thanks" to a kid selling discount cards for school or a church bake sale.  My ways are small but they are what I do.  What more can I do?  Why don't I do more?  Is there a fine line between enough and too much?

I have 3 dreams - to volunteer at an animal rehab center in Alaska, to work at an orphanage in Peru and to be married and raise a family in a healthy and loving home.  These are all of my dreams but they may never come to pass.  I am frustrated by the thought that I have to relinquish those to the greater will of God who already has my life planned out.  Its so hard to sit in a place of waiting, putting my life in His hands and believing that His will is being done in me this very minute.  

#3 - Being a woman of my... uh, maturity, I have to face the reality that having children of my own grows dim with each passing year.  Yes, anything is possible with God but I would rather not be 80 when my first born graduates from high school.   Never mind the fact that I am single and there are no stable prospects on the horizon.  So I have been toying with the idea of adopting a child.   The problem that I have with that is my belief that every child has the right to be raised by healthy, loving parents (plural) of the opposite sex.  Yes, a man and a woman.  I could NOT teach a boy how to be a man of God, no matter how hard I tried.  So, the adoption option is on hold.   

#2 - Eagle's Nest is an orphanage in Limatambo, Peru.  Our group visited it on the way to Macchu Pichu last year and I fell in love with it.  Eagle's Nest is a school where kids from miles away walk to daily as well as a home for homeless, abandoned Peruvian children.  The video below is a class that sang to us.  The little girl in the picture above is Lisbeth, a 7 year old girl who was found in a shanty in Lima taking care of her 8 month old sister.  Being there did so much to rock my world and I haven't been able to forget that place or that face.
Shortly after I returned from my trip, I was faced with the possibility of losing my job to budget cuts and I would be out of work.  I promised God that if that was His will then I would return to Limatambo and work at that orphanage.  Well, my job was spared and I am still in WA.  Strike 2.

#3 - my plan is to take the summer off from work and go to Alaska to volunteer at an animal sanctuary,  scooping moose poop, feeding fawn and doing whatever needs to be done.  Its not possible at the moment as I have a dog with separation anxiety issues and I'm not sure she could handle me being gone for that long.  As it is, whenever I leave on a trip, she refuses to eat for the first few days.  Eventually, her hunger gets the best of her but my house sitters all say the same thing - she mopes the entire time.  I can justify leaving my 15 year old baby for a week or two but that's it.  I know my time with her is limited though and I will sacrifice this for the love and adoration of my best friend, Missy.

So here I sit, wondering what God wants from me, yet again.  Am I doing enough? Do small acts of charity and kindness count?  Or are we called to take giant leaps of faith, abandon everything and follow Him, no matter where the road lead?

"You live among the least of these - the weary and the weak.  And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away...  Use my hands, use my feet to make your kingdom come to the corners of the earth until your work is done." - Leeland

The Answer

So, I'm working through some stuff lately, right?  As a result of 2 years of Living Waters and my time with Maureen, I'm realizing just how much darkness and sin is in the world.  And it scares me.  With the kind of work I do, I read about all of the stuff that happens to people and most of it is not good.  In fact, I sometimes have nightmares about the damage people inflict on one another.

There is a scene in the movie "Ghost" that paints it pretty clearly for me.  Its at the end when Sam faces Karl, the best friend who brought about his death.  His greed for power and money killed Sam.  After Karl is killed and his ghost is face to face with Sam, the darkness that was in Karl's heart comes alive and creeps up on him.  The scene where Karl is captured then dragged into the black by the moaning, groaning shadows has become my image of the sin and death that plague this earth.

I hate Satan.  I hate that he has enough power to tempt good people to do bad things.  I hate that children and animals fall prey to some sick and broken people.  I hate that he tries to get into my head and tell me that I am not worth loving, that I am not thin enough or good enough for anyone.  I hate that he thinks he is better than God.  he has no love in his heart, only greed and jealousy and anger.

When I talked with my counselor today, I mentioned my last blog, about all of the hate that coursed through me as a result of my time with Maureen.  I am supposed to be preparing to say goodbye to her when I go to CA in a few weeks but I am too busy being angry at her right now.  I also told her about the image of darkness I now have and how I want God to save the world from it.  I was afraid.  I think it scared her a little.  She extended her hand to me to pull me out of the darkness that was, at that moment, twisting my thoughts and causing chaos in my head.  The anger and hatred I have been feeling lately was being used against me, to slowly and subtly drag me into the shadows.  You see, if we are to be like our Father, we are to love, to forgive and to give mercy.  I've been so blinded by my feelings that I was losing sight of that.  Her fear was that I would become bitter and his prey.

A very dear friend of mine recently blogged about how critical or judgmental people can be and that she was going to counter that by being more loving, more like Jesus.  What a beautiful thought.

Love.  That is the answer.  Jesus loved everyone He met.  He loved the sinners even more.  And that's what we are called to do because God is love.  I know I won't be perfect right off the bat but I will try and try again.  And if I keep singing about love then maybe my heart will soften enough to say good bye to Maureen when the time is right.

Can you spare some change?

Its hard to believe that we are already in September and fall is right around the corner.  I typically love this time of year.  It signals restoration as the leaves begin to change color and trees and plants become dormant for the winter.  Its a slow dying process we are allowed to witness as mother nature brings to a close another beautiful year.   Fall is so symbolic of the stages we go through in life which is one of the many reasons I love it.  Plus, you really can't beat the colors of Autumn.

As I look ahead to what is in store for this fall, I can't help but be sad to remember two things it represents: Maureen's birthday and pumpkin spice lattes.  The first downer is obvious.  The second is also a tie in to my best friend.  You see, every year when Starbucks brings back their PSL, Maureen and I would arrange to have a coffee date - to share our first PSL for the year and to reconnect with each other. Its a tradition I used to look forward to. 

I was at the pharmacy two weeks ago when I heard the pharmacist talking about PSLs and how Starbucks was already making them.  I couldn't help but be sad as they represent more than just a latte.   They stood for a time honored tradition, friendship and connection.  It will be different this year and I am not sure I am ready for the change. 

My friend Katie was kind enough to remember this tradition the last time we talked.  She asked if I had had a PSL yet.  I can't bring myself to do it just yet.  She offered to have one with me, which just melted my heart.  A part of me feels like I might betray Maureen if I were to do this but I was encouraged to do so in her memory.  Even as I write it, that sounds strange - in her memory.   It brings tears to my eyes as denial is eroding and I slowly grasp reality:

My best friend died.

Cancer robbed her of her life and me of my best friend and I hate it!  I HATE Cancer and all of the destruction it does to people's lives.  I hate that I had to watch her come apart in my hands while I was with her.  I hate that the chemo wreaked havoc on her body and all I could do was watch as the burning in her stomach caused her to cry out for 8 hours, vomiting into a bowl in my hands.  I hate that I could do NOTHING but cry and hold her hand as she suffered.  Even as I washed her hair, I hated that my hair was long and beautiful as I picked her short, damaged strands from my hands, trying not to let her see.  And selfishly, I hate that I was with her during her chemo treatment - as she bled out thru her IV, as she began to pass out because her oxygen tank was empty, as she urinated all over herself and the floor because the amount of liquid her body was taking in was too much to hold back, as I wheeled her in and out of the treatment room, as I watched her struggle to move to the bathroom or the scale.  Secretly, I prayed for God to get me the hell out of there.  I couldn't take it and didn't want to.  I could not watch her die.  As much as I hate to admit it, that is exactly what it was and I hate that I had to be a witness.

Now, my memories of her are from this time.  I struggle to remember who she was before that time and its a nightmare and a curse.  But, while I was at my parent's house, I found a picture I had taken of her during out freshman year.  She looked so young and innocent, completely unaware of what lie ahead.  I keep that picture in my bedroom, on the dresser to remind me of what was and of all that has happened since.  So much has changed since we were freshman, myself included.  This reminds me that the only constant in life is change and there is nothing I can do about it. 

Eminem's song "Not Afraid" begins with the words, "I guess I had to go to that place to get to this place."  I can relate to that on so many levels but especially because of what I went thru with Maureen.  I believe I had to go through that process in order to bring change in me.  I believe God is growing me up to be a mostly whole and healed adult.  I believe God uses trials to prove to me that He is with me and will deliver me.  I believe God used my time with Maureen to teach me new truths about myself, about life and about Him.  I can't heal on my own.  I can't depend on my own strength go get thru this time.  All I can do is rely on Him, allow Him to change me and praise Him in the process.

"Praise is ... a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead... The outcome is neither our responsibility nor our goal. Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality and integrity of God ... and that never changes."

My hope is that my time spent with Maureen will be changed from the horrific experience that it was to the absolute knowledge that that time was a precious gift.  As my heart begins to heal,  I pray that God will help me see how He was present during those painful 5 days, comforting both Maureen and me.  I pray that the anger and hatred of that situation will be fully replaced by the love I had for her and have for Him.  And I pray that the changes that will take place in me will be a reflection of His glory and His mercy.

Beagles and Labs

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat--and a Voice beat
 More instant than the Feet--
 "All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."
The Hound of Heaven - Francis Thompson

I am actually stealing this part of the above poem from this morning's sermon which resonates in me.  The full poem, dialect aside, is quite beautiful.

I grew up hearing the parables of the prodigal son and the lost sheep but never considered myself to be either of them.  In my mind, those were just fables, not real examples of the unending love and pursuit of our Creator.  Over the past few years, however, it was ME who was being pursued.  Like a Lab that chases after a stick or a beagle following his nose, Jesus has been on my trail, following closely, hoping one day to return me to my owner.

Strangely enough, I don't remember getting lost.  All I remember is that I somehow wandered into a dark tunnel and no matter how many directions I walked, I could never find the light or a way out.  As sheep who mindlessly wander off, it's not until faced with predators that they realize they are in trouble and alone.  In some ways, I was also the prodigal son who had lost his (or her) way prior to approaching his father for his share of the inheritance.  Had he truly been in his right mind, I doubt he would have left, but who knows for sure.  How many times did I approach my Father and demand my inheritance, only to turn my back on Him for ways I was sure were better than His.  In trying to do things my way, I became immersed in fear - fear of the dark, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of loss.  There was no room for trust in my life, much less faith.  The resulting cycle was quite a paradox - desperate for relationships yet trusting no one. Fearing everything yet losing faith in anything.  Its like the battle to lose weight - when I'm depressed, I eat.  When I eat, I gain weight.  When I gain weight, I get depressed.  Its an endless cycle. And the farther away from Him I strayed, the more destitute I became.  

One particular session with my counselor comes to my mind.  I talked with her about being afraid.  The worst part of my situation was the constant sound of footsteps following me.  With the darkness both in front of and behind me, I became even more afraid:  afraid of the unknown monsters that lie in wait ahead and afraid of the footsteps that were closing in on me.  It was as if, in my mind, they were the echoing footsteps of Jack the Ripper and my heart pounded anxiously in my chest as I tried to outrun his insatiable desire for murder.  Stop running, my counselor said.  No way!  He's coming to get me, I'm afraid.  Stop running and face it.  I remember sobbing, my body shaking as I pictured my self stopping in my tracks, breathless and resigned to meet certain doom.  I could hear my counselor praying as the stranger of my mind slowly approached me, bringing light with Him.  Soon, standing before me was the beautiful face of my Jesus whose brilliant garments brightening the dark space behind Him.  When He extended His hand to me, I saw the darkness that I had left behind run away.  With a touch of His hand, He brought me out of the tunnel.  He wiped my tears and comforted me as I was finally able to breathe.  Like the curtains of the temple that tore on the day He died on the cross, the clouds that hung over my head had been parted and I was able to see the sun again.  That was a very good day and has been ever since.

Currently, I walk through a valley of darkness.  When I look ahead, I see ominous dark clouds above the mountains that tell me winter is coming and with it, cold, dark, stormy days of solitude and long nights filled with thunder, lightening and winds that beat against my house.  Yes, winter is coming but I will not fear for I don't walk alone.  He is my protector, my comforter, my shield.  With Him, I am able to overcome anything.  And when the clouds break and I have passed from a long winter into spring, when I have walked thru the valley and crested the adjacent mountain, I will emerge. And I will be so much better for having gone through it.

Praise be the relentless pursuit of God, our Father.      

"Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?  "Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest, I am He Whom thou seekest!  Thou drawest love from thee, who drawest Me.""