And A Time to Every Purpose

Sept 27th marked one month since my dad passed away.  In some ways, it feels like it has been longer. I believe that is due to the fact that I have gained so much perspective and healing since then. Or perhaps because my preparation for it has been years in the making.

When I found out that my dad had dementia, I had no desire to see him. The thought of knowing he might not recognize me was more than I could bear. As it was, seeing him in his weakened state, completely dependent on mom was a challenge.  He's my dad. He's supposed to be strong, independent, self reliant. Old age had robbed him of these and reduced him to a needy child. It was too hard to see.


This weighed heavy on my heart, however. I remember sometime in early July confessing this fear to Fr Joseph. His advice was to pray for the courage to go and then go. He emphasized how critical it was for me to see dad before it got to be too late but I remained fearful. I  prayed for courage then mostly forgot about it as I went on my vacation to Chicago.

While in Chicago, I had the good fortune of sharing a room with two amazing women, both single and Catholic. We even had one night of silly, up-all-night girl talk about everything under the sun. Dad was one topic. Ruanne had gone though something very similar with her dad who had passed just 3 months prior. She was empathetic and agreed that a trip south was in order.

Two weeks after I returned from my vacation, I learned that dad was in the hospital.  He fell and broke his collar bone but apparently would be ok. This was the knock in the head with a hammer that I needed (prayed for?) to see dad.  Without giving it a second thought, I bought my ticket and flew down 3 days later.

Seeing dad lying in his hospital bed, bruised, broken and frail, was so hard but God gave me the courage to see him every night for a week. Even when I thought I couldn't handle seeing him that way any more, I still went. And I am so thankful for that. I had no idea that this would be the my last opportunity to visit with him, touch him, talk with him. Before he went into respiratory distress, I counted on him returning home as I did the same but that wasn't going to happen. Thankfully, two days before I was scheduled to go home, I changed my flight which allowed me to stay a week longer.  I wasn't satisfied with dad's progress and wanted to be sure of it. The following day he was put on life support, never to return.

In retrospect, the two weeks I spent in California were all part of God's greater plan. It had been 14 months since I last saw Maureen - holding her hand, watching her suffer, loving her through the vomit and mess, even when I thought I could endure no more. While I was with her, I learned compassion, tolerance and love in the face of death. I learned that God will give me all of the tools needed to face the unimaginable and that He would hold me up when I no longer had strength. I learned that my heart could bear so much more than I ever thought possible and that my fears had no place there. I learned to trust the love of God and allow that love to come through me, to reach her.  Ironically or strategically, that described my time with dad.

After being told the damage to his lungs was irreparable and there was no hope, I promised dad I wouldn't leave his side. I would not let him die alone.  And it was only by God's grace that I was able to get through watching the pain as he was "turned" every two hours or had phlegm sucked out of his lungs. It was His hand that dad squeezed as the phlebotomist tried to draw blood several times from his swollen and lifeless arms. As he lie there helpless, I was allowed to be his advocate, to protect him and keep him safe the way he had done for me when I was little. It was such a gift.  I had also been given the gift of time with dad - to tell him I loved him, to ask his forgiveness, to pray with him and to forgive him. For 5 days, I cried over, prayed with and cherished every minute. If there was ever a beautiful moment in my life, it was every minute of every day that we spent together, up to and even after his passing.

I'm amazed at the experiences God had brought me through. Amazed that I survived them, amazed that I have learned and grown from them. More than that, I am amazed at how much bigger my heart has become as a result. I can only imagine what He continues to prepare me for.  While I'm sure it will involve more heartache, I believe there will be many more beautiful moments like these. And I can finally say "I'm ready, Lord, for whatever you have planned for me" because I know, in the end, it will bring Him glory.  Isn't that what I was created for?   

So Much Cooler On-line

About 5 months ago, I signed up for an internet dating site.  I know many people who have had success with it and figured it was worth the $60 for 6 months.  It has been an interesting experience so far even though there has been no love connection.

I've communicated with several men.  Some who had potential, others I found very attractive.  Some few huge red flags, still others couldn't be interested in a short brunette without modeling credentials.   And of all the men I've communicated with, I have only met one local guy in person.  And he was soooo much cooler on-line.  

First, there was K from Kansas.  Very attractive, smart, funny, independent.  For whatever reason, there was no connection despite our phone conversations.  I have him as a friend and know that is all he will ever be.

Then there was P, a big time flirt who says all of the right things.  His desire to be loved by a woman supercedes his love for himself.  He abuses himself with food and work while hoping a woman will save him from himself.  I hope he finds that woman before he self-destructs.

Most recently, I met J.  He is a self proclaimed "Good Guy" whose biggest fear is that he will be rejected by a woman because he is a virgin.  I was put off by the amount of selling he did of himself.  His tactics of "I'm a romantic" and 'this is what I've done for other women' (flowers, candy, presents) did little to impress me.  We had three phone conversations that amounted to "I think you're pretty.  What do you think of me?"  Even our on-line chats followed the same line.  He tried really hard to sell himself to me.  Sadly, I wasn't buying it.  When he questioned what was wrong, I knew it was over before it even began.

Lastly, there is T.  He is an attractive man from Ohio who likes my sense of humor and thinks I'm beautiful.  We shared one on-line conversation that left me wanting more.  It may be too soon to call it but I have a feeling he will not pursue me and that is what I hope for.

I want chemistry.  I want a spark.  I want a man I can talk with, not just to.  I want depth  and levity and sincerity and flow.  I want someone who is real and not just a Wizard behind a curtain who tries to make me believe he is something more than he is. 

My membership will expire soon and I have yet to decide whether I will renew.  I know a "match" takes time but is this the right venue for me?  Time will tell.

A few words about Depression

It sucks... but I'm trying to succumb to the idea that I will  need to be on meds for the rest of my life. 
I don't like the idea of this but, as one who needs glasses to see, it is necessary if I want to feel human.
I often forget how dark my days become when my serotonin levels are low.  Its scary. 
I was told that 10% of the population suffers from clinical depression and I am among them.  But I should be thankful I am not among the % of people who suffer from worse ailments.  And, on good days, I am, however, until my meds kick back in, it stinks and I don't like it at all.  

Venting with a venti

As I sit in my local coffee shop, sipping a large cup of coffee and feeling the need to blog, all I want to do is vent.   I hate that thought but I think its what I need to do.   Its like the times when women are overcome with emotion and need to have a really good cry.   This is my really good cry without the tears.

1- I went to Costco yesterday afternoon and it was a madhouse.  Canadians were everywhere, cutting people off in the parking lot, parking their carts in the aisles, taking all of the milk.  They lack consideration for those of us who have to live in the city where they leave their clothes that they discarded for the new things they just bought.  That just annoys the heck outta me.

2- I gal I know, who recently divorced her husband, went on yet another date with a guy she recently met.  I haven't had a date in over 3 years and she goes from husband to boyfriend in a blink.  I'm so annoyed with that.

3- I went back to Weight Watchers because my weight hasn't changed since our fitness competition weigh out yet my clothes aren't fitting.  I'm eating cleaner than ever but my body isn't responding.  Yet, all around me are people who have horrible eating habits and stay the same.  Why does this annoy me?  I don't know.

4- I recently met a man who has a lot of potential.  Rather than accepting him for who he is, I have been picking apart his faults and issues.  Instead of see the good in him, I have allowed myself to be annoyed with his shortcomings.  So much about him bothers me but I can't say why.

5- In Crossfit, I was working on setting a PR in squats.  I squatted the heaviest weight I have ever done and was pretty proud of myself until a woman in class said, "You can almost squat as much as me." Man, did that annoy me... and still does.

Ironically, today at mass, Fr QuiTac (pronounced: qwee-tak) gave a sermon on a very similar topic which left me with a lot to think about.  He said people can become frustrated with other people but it is still our job to love them.  "Love the sinner but hate the sin."  What does this have to do with my current state of frustration?  Everything.... of course.  I hate to admit it but I have not been a very loving person lately, especially to myself.  I am letting anger, jealousy and envy back into my heart and it isn't healthy.  I was in that place once, not so long ago.  It wasn't a good place to be.  The issues I wrote above all come back to my issue with myself.  I realize that now but its a bitter pill to swallow.

As we got into Fall, I need to withdraw, regroup and be restored thru Christ.  That is no easy task but I know with time and prayer, I will emerge like a rainbow after the rain.  There is no other option.