About 5 months ago, I signed up for an internet dating site. I know many people who have had success with it and figured it was worth the $60 for 6 months. It has been an interesting experience so far even though there has been no love connection.
I've communicated with several men. Some who had potential, others I found very attractive. Some few huge red flags, still others couldn't be interested in a short brunette without modeling credentials. And of all the men I've communicated with, I have only met one local guy in person. And he was soooo much cooler on-line.
First, there was K from Kansas. Very attractive, smart, funny, independent. For whatever reason, there was no connection despite our phone conversations. I have him as a friend and know that is all he will ever be.
Then there was P, a big time flirt who says all of the right things. His desire to be loved by a woman supercedes his love for himself. He abuses himself with food and work while hoping a woman will save him from himself. I hope he finds that woman before he self-destructs.
Most recently, I met J. He is a self proclaimed "Good Guy" whose biggest fear is that he will be rejected by a woman because he is a virgin. I was put off by the amount of selling he did of himself. His tactics of "I'm a romantic" and 'this is what I've done for other women' (flowers, candy, presents) did little to impress me. We had three phone conversations that amounted to "I think you're pretty. What do you think of me?" Even our on-line chats followed the same line. He tried really hard to sell himself to me. Sadly, I wasn't buying it. When he questioned what was wrong, I knew it was over before it even began.
Lastly, there is T. He is an attractive man from Ohio who likes my sense of humor and thinks I'm beautiful. We shared one on-line conversation that left me wanting more. It may be too soon to call it but I have a feeling he will not pursue me and that is what I hope for.
I want chemistry. I want a spark. I want a man I can talk with, not just to. I want depth and levity and sincerity and flow. I want someone who is real and not just a Wizard behind a curtain who tries to make me believe he is something more than he is.
My membership will expire soon and I have yet to decide whether I will renew. I know a "match" takes time but is this the right venue for me? Time will tell.
Sun setting In Cuzco, Peru
November 12, 2011
October 30, 2011
A few words about Depression
It sucks... but I'm trying to succumb to the idea that I will need to be on meds for the rest of my life.
I don't like the idea of this but, as one who needs glasses to see, it is necessary if I want to feel human.
I often forget how dark my days become when my serotonin levels are low. Its scary.
I was told that 10% of the population suffers from clinical depression and I am among them. But I should be thankful I am not among the % of people who suffer from worse ailments. And, on good days, I am, however, until my meds kick back in, it stinks and I don't like it at all.
I don't like the idea of this but, as one who needs glasses to see, it is necessary if I want to feel human.
I often forget how dark my days become when my serotonin levels are low. Its scary.
I was told that 10% of the population suffers from clinical depression and I am among them. But I should be thankful I am not among the % of people who suffer from worse ailments. And, on good days, I am, however, until my meds kick back in, it stinks and I don't like it at all.
October 2, 2011
Venting with a venti
As I sit in my local coffee shop, sipping a large cup of coffee and feeling the need to blog, all I want to do is vent. I hate that thought but I think its what I need to do. Its like the times when women are overcome with emotion and need to have a really good cry. This is my really good cry without the tears.
1- I went to Costco yesterday afternoon and it was a madhouse. Canadians were everywhere, cutting people off in the parking lot, parking their carts in the aisles, taking all of the milk. They lack consideration for those of us who have to live in the city where they leave their clothes that they discarded for the new things they just bought. That just annoys the heck outta me.
2- I gal I know, who recently divorced her husband, went on yet another date with a guy she recently met. I haven't had a date in over 3 years and she goes from husband to boyfriend in a blink. I'm so annoyed with that.
3- I went back to Weight Watchers because my weight hasn't changed since our fitness competition weigh out yet my clothes aren't fitting. I'm eating cleaner than ever but my body isn't responding. Yet, all around me are people who have horrible eating habits and stay the same. Why does this annoy me? I don't know.
4- I recently met a man who has a lot of potential. Rather than accepting him for who he is, I have been picking apart his faults and issues. Instead of see the good in him, I have allowed myself to be annoyed with his shortcomings. So much about him bothers me but I can't say why.
5- In Crossfit, I was working on setting a PR in squats. I squatted the heaviest weight I have ever done and was pretty proud of myself until a woman in class said, "You can almost squat as much as me." Man, did that annoy me... and still does.
Ironically, today at mass, Fr QuiTac (pronounced: qwee-tak) gave a sermon on a very similar topic which left me with a lot to think about. He said people can become frustrated with other people but it is still our job to love them. "Love the sinner but hate the sin." What does this have to do with my current state of frustration? Everything.... of course. I hate to admit it but I have not been a very loving person lately, especially to myself. I am letting anger, jealousy and envy back into my heart and it isn't healthy. I was in that place once, not so long ago. It wasn't a good place to be. The issues I wrote above all come back to my issue with myself. I realize that now but its a bitter pill to swallow.
As we got into Fall, I need to withdraw, regroup and be restored thru Christ. That is no easy task but I know with time and prayer, I will emerge like a rainbow after the rain. There is no other option.
1- I went to Costco yesterday afternoon and it was a madhouse. Canadians were everywhere, cutting people off in the parking lot, parking their carts in the aisles, taking all of the milk. They lack consideration for those of us who have to live in the city where they leave their clothes that they discarded for the new things they just bought. That just annoys the heck outta me.
2- I gal I know, who recently divorced her husband, went on yet another date with a guy she recently met. I haven't had a date in over 3 years and she goes from husband to boyfriend in a blink. I'm so annoyed with that.
3- I went back to Weight Watchers because my weight hasn't changed since our fitness competition weigh out yet my clothes aren't fitting. I'm eating cleaner than ever but my body isn't responding. Yet, all around me are people who have horrible eating habits and stay the same. Why does this annoy me? I don't know.
4- I recently met a man who has a lot of potential. Rather than accepting him for who he is, I have been picking apart his faults and issues. Instead of see the good in him, I have allowed myself to be annoyed with his shortcomings. So much about him bothers me but I can't say why.
5- In Crossfit, I was working on setting a PR in squats. I squatted the heaviest weight I have ever done and was pretty proud of myself until a woman in class said, "You can almost squat as much as me." Man, did that annoy me... and still does.
Ironically, today at mass, Fr QuiTac (pronounced: qwee-tak) gave a sermon on a very similar topic which left me with a lot to think about. He said people can become frustrated with other people but it is still our job to love them. "Love the sinner but hate the sin." What does this have to do with my current state of frustration? Everything.... of course. I hate to admit it but I have not been a very loving person lately, especially to myself. I am letting anger, jealousy and envy back into my heart and it isn't healthy. I was in that place once, not so long ago. It wasn't a good place to be. The issues I wrote above all come back to my issue with myself. I realize that now but its a bitter pill to swallow.
As we got into Fall, I need to withdraw, regroup and be restored thru Christ. That is no easy task but I know with time and prayer, I will emerge like a rainbow after the rain. There is no other option.
August 14, 2011
Remembering Ireland
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| Rock of Cashel |
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| St Mary's Cathedral |
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| Thatched roof house in Adare |
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| The Gap of Dunloe |
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| Knock Shrine |
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| City of Cobh and St Colman's Church |
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| Kylemore Abbey |
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| Dublin |
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| Cliffs of Moher |
August 13, 2011
Finding Answers in the Emerald Isle
It all started in January...
I had had a rough year last year and needed to shake things up a bit. I needed to remember how to enjoy life again as I was losing sight of that. Or at least it seemed that way. I needed to change things up. Maureen always told me that a change of scenery helps so I looked into taking a trip to anywhere but here. I google'd "single", "Female" and "travel" and found several websites, one of which was a Catholic dating site. What did I have to lose?
A woman I'd never met or even heard of named Tracy was planning an organized group trip for single Catholic adults to Ireland. While it was never on my bucket list, something about this trip appealed to me. Tracy and I traded numerous Emails over the course of a week, mostly her answering my questions and quelling my doubts/fears. By February 1, I took that first step and sent in a payment. I had committed to it and was going to Ireland in July.
Time flies, that is true but even more so when a big deal like this is on the horizon. 5 months passed in a blink and before I knew it, I was packing to leave. Loose ends were tied at work and home and after my usual travel-anxiety filled sleepless night, I was on a plane heading east. Way east.
When I landed in Dublin, I expected to see a group of people waiting for me as I exited the terminal. No one was there. Apparently, all international flights flew into terminal 2 except mine. I was in T1.
Thankfully, I had Tracy's phone # with me and called her. Otherwise, I might still be in T1 waiting for someone to pick me up. I found them waiting and breathed a sigh of relief. I had arrived.
The days that ensued were a blur of places and faces. We lived on a tour bus with a driver named Con, traveling from place to place, eating and sleeping on the bus = our new home. I don't remember how many hotels we slept in but there was a new one just about every day. I believe we touched 9 counties in 10 days or maybe it was 10 counties in 9 days. Again, its all a blur. Even now that I've had time to sit back and remember, I don't. All I can say is we saw some amazing things and beautiful places.
When I am asked what I liked best about my trip, the answer is always the people. The Irish people were great but the tour people were better. Much of our time was spent getting to know each other and laughing about everything or nothing at all. I loved that we were able to spend time with each other, forming friendships that will last a lifetime. While we started out knowing so little about each person, there was a sense of familiarity and comfort as we shared our first mass together. It was a bonding denominator for me.
The most remarkable thing about my trip is that it was the answer to my prayers. During the darkest times of last year, I called out to God, desperate to be heard, angry and confused. He had taken Maureen and Missy and I felt so incredibly alone. "Do you need to take everything I love to know that I love you first?" I can't count the number of times I cried out that statement, as if I were being punished for loving at all. "Fine! Your will, not mine!", I'd reply begrudgingly. As His love and mercy softened my heart, I began to understand that He needed to call Maureen and Missy home. It is only recently that I realize He did this so that I would be free to do other things, like go to Ireland. I would never have gone if they were still in my life. And I would have missed out on meeting so many amazing, incredible, beautiful, familiar, similar people. I lost my best friends but in succumbing to God's will, I gained 37 new ones. He saw my need and grew my family. Wow.
Yet again, I am humbled by His mercy, wisdom and knowledge that my pain would pass and better days were ahead. He knew I would laugh again and find joy in my days. He knew what needed to be done in order to unfold His plan for my life. Whether its through a text message, Email or an IM from my new friends, I am reminded that God is faithful and true. And I am never alone. Praise God!
I had had a rough year last year and needed to shake things up a bit. I needed to remember how to enjoy life again as I was losing sight of that. Or at least it seemed that way. I needed to change things up. Maureen always told me that a change of scenery helps so I looked into taking a trip to anywhere but here. I google'd "single", "Female" and "travel" and found several websites, one of which was a Catholic dating site. What did I have to lose?
A woman I'd never met or even heard of named Tracy was planning an organized group trip for single Catholic adults to Ireland. While it was never on my bucket list, something about this trip appealed to me. Tracy and I traded numerous Emails over the course of a week, mostly her answering my questions and quelling my doubts/fears. By February 1, I took that first step and sent in a payment. I had committed to it and was going to Ireland in July.
Time flies, that is true but even more so when a big deal like this is on the horizon. 5 months passed in a blink and before I knew it, I was packing to leave. Loose ends were tied at work and home and after my usual travel-anxiety filled sleepless night, I was on a plane heading east. Way east.
When I landed in Dublin, I expected to see a group of people waiting for me as I exited the terminal. No one was there. Apparently, all international flights flew into terminal 2 except mine. I was in T1.
Thankfully, I had Tracy's phone # with me and called her. Otherwise, I might still be in T1 waiting for someone to pick me up. I found them waiting and breathed a sigh of relief. I had arrived.
The days that ensued were a blur of places and faces. We lived on a tour bus with a driver named Con, traveling from place to place, eating and sleeping on the bus = our new home. I don't remember how many hotels we slept in but there was a new one just about every day. I believe we touched 9 counties in 10 days or maybe it was 10 counties in 9 days. Again, its all a blur. Even now that I've had time to sit back and remember, I don't. All I can say is we saw some amazing things and beautiful places.
When I am asked what I liked best about my trip, the answer is always the people. The Irish people were great but the tour people were better. Much of our time was spent getting to know each other and laughing about everything or nothing at all. I loved that we were able to spend time with each other, forming friendships that will last a lifetime. While we started out knowing so little about each person, there was a sense of familiarity and comfort as we shared our first mass together. It was a bonding denominator for me.
The most remarkable thing about my trip is that it was the answer to my prayers. During the darkest times of last year, I called out to God, desperate to be heard, angry and confused. He had taken Maureen and Missy and I felt so incredibly alone. "Do you need to take everything I love to know that I love you first?" I can't count the number of times I cried out that statement, as if I were being punished for loving at all. "Fine! Your will, not mine!", I'd reply begrudgingly. As His love and mercy softened my heart, I began to understand that He needed to call Maureen and Missy home. It is only recently that I realize He did this so that I would be free to do other things, like go to Ireland. I would never have gone if they were still in my life. And I would have missed out on meeting so many amazing, incredible, beautiful, familiar, similar people. I lost my best friends but in succumbing to God's will, I gained 37 new ones. He saw my need and grew my family. Wow.
Yet again, I am humbled by His mercy, wisdom and knowledge that my pain would pass and better days were ahead. He knew I would laugh again and find joy in my days. He knew what needed to be done in order to unfold His plan for my life. Whether its through a text message, Email or an IM from my new friends, I am reminded that God is faithful and true. And I am never alone. Praise God!
July 17, 2011
Learning to Fly
As I hung up the phone tonight, after talking with my mom, the Tom Petty song with the same title went thru my head. Its a song that's probably more about being high than anything else but it still resonates in my head.
Tonight's talk with mom was a good reminder of how far I've come. You see, even though I leave for Ireland in less than 36 hours, I withheld telling my parents of my trip until tonight. In the past, whenever I wanted to do something, I was made to feel guilty about it. For example, I would be told that I should spend my vacation time with family, not take a vacation on my own. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I would be called selfish or get guilt over the amount of money I'd spend or the lack of concern for them. Doing things for myself was never encouraged so I learned to withhold information until that wasn't an option. Sometimes, I would even do things and tell no one just so word wouldn't get back to them. It was a matter of survival in a way - hide the truth or face consequences.
Its sad to think that I lived that way but I had to. So, tonight as I talked with mom, I found the nerve to tell her I would be on vacation for 2 weeks. Her first question was did I have enough time to take. Then came how much it cost and why would I want to go. In a gentle way, I said, "Be happy for me." That softened the edges and our conversation turned to her fears. I know she is a very frightened woman and somewhere inside her is an even more frightened little girl who is afraid of everything. She credits me for having the courage to live alone, travel and live my life my way. The truth is that not so long ago, I was the same way - too afraid to sleep in the dark or travel or live alone. I was afraid of my own shadow. But, with the healing work that I've been doing thru counseling and Living waters, I have found freedom. I'm learning to fly and it feels good.
Tonight's talk with mom was a good reminder of how far I've come. You see, even though I leave for Ireland in less than 36 hours, I withheld telling my parents of my trip until tonight. In the past, whenever I wanted to do something, I was made to feel guilty about it. For example, I would be told that I should spend my vacation time with family, not take a vacation on my own. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I would be called selfish or get guilt over the amount of money I'd spend or the lack of concern for them. Doing things for myself was never encouraged so I learned to withhold information until that wasn't an option. Sometimes, I would even do things and tell no one just so word wouldn't get back to them. It was a matter of survival in a way - hide the truth or face consequences.
Its sad to think that I lived that way but I had to. So, tonight as I talked with mom, I found the nerve to tell her I would be on vacation for 2 weeks. Her first question was did I have enough time to take. Then came how much it cost and why would I want to go. In a gentle way, I said, "Be happy for me." That softened the edges and our conversation turned to her fears. I know she is a very frightened woman and somewhere inside her is an even more frightened little girl who is afraid of everything. She credits me for having the courage to live alone, travel and live my life my way. The truth is that not so long ago, I was the same way - too afraid to sleep in the dark or travel or live alone. I was afraid of my own shadow. But, with the healing work that I've been doing thru counseling and Living waters, I have found freedom. I'm learning to fly and it feels good.
July 9, 2011
Growth spurts
Just when I thought I couldn't grow any more, God feeds me Miracle Grow and tells me I have yet to bloom.
It was on this date last year when Maureen died. Its hard to believe that but I'm not sure what's hard about it - that she is gone, that I made it through a year with my heart still in tact or that life goes on despite the sadness. Life is a funny thing. There is pain, joy, struggle, strife, birth and death. And through it all or even in spite of it, the world never stops turning, plants never stop growing, the sun never stops shining.
Ironically, Bellingham holds its Relay for Life this weekend. I walk in it every year as I have done for 10 years. Last year, I walked before I found out she had gone to heaven so I was unaffected by it during my walk. That was not the case this year.
I decided to attend the opening ceremony and cheer on the survivors I barely made it past the singing of Amazing Grace when I started to cry tears that refused to stop. It had been a while since I've cried that much. Maybe it was time to let go of the sadness. Or maybe it was time to realize the truth. Perhaps it was a little of both, sprinkled with loneliness for the loss of my soul sister and a pinch of regret. Maybe I was crying because of all of the people who survived knowing Maureen was not one of them. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart hurt and I could not contain it and needed to leave.
A few hours later, I returned to Relay to walk my allotted hour. As much as I dreaded it, it turned out to be a good thing. I t gave me time to think, to pray and to heal. I sat next to the luminaries that I made for Maureen and talked with her. I told her how much I missed her and how sad I was that she was gone. Sitting there, I found comfort in knowing she knew this and was with me in spirit. It felt good, peaceful. I know I will always miss her and will even continue to shed tears but she is in heaven, no longer being ravaged by cancer. That is a very good thing.
Looking back on this, I now realize that Maureen's passing is a stepping stone on a path that I must walk. I am learning to love & forgive unconditionally, to grieve, to let go and to smile again, in spite of it all. Preparation for what's to come? Maybe. Or maybe its all just part of growing a grown up.
"Death is not the end. It is merely a path that all must take." - Gandalf
It was on this date last year when Maureen died. Its hard to believe that but I'm not sure what's hard about it - that she is gone, that I made it through a year with my heart still in tact or that life goes on despite the sadness. Life is a funny thing. There is pain, joy, struggle, strife, birth and death. And through it all or even in spite of it, the world never stops turning, plants never stop growing, the sun never stops shining.
Ironically, Bellingham holds its Relay for Life this weekend. I walk in it every year as I have done for 10 years. Last year, I walked before I found out she had gone to heaven so I was unaffected by it during my walk. That was not the case this year.
I decided to attend the opening ceremony and cheer on the survivors I barely made it past the singing of Amazing Grace when I started to cry tears that refused to stop. It had been a while since I've cried that much. Maybe it was time to let go of the sadness. Or maybe it was time to realize the truth. Perhaps it was a little of both, sprinkled with loneliness for the loss of my soul sister and a pinch of regret. Maybe I was crying because of all of the people who survived knowing Maureen was not one of them. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart hurt and I could not contain it and needed to leave.
A few hours later, I returned to Relay to walk my allotted hour. As much as I dreaded it, it turned out to be a good thing. I t gave me time to think, to pray and to heal. I sat next to the luminaries that I made for Maureen and talked with her. I told her how much I missed her and how sad I was that she was gone. Sitting there, I found comfort in knowing she knew this and was with me in spirit. It felt good, peaceful. I know I will always miss her and will even continue to shed tears but she is in heaven, no longer being ravaged by cancer. That is a very good thing.
Looking back on this, I now realize that Maureen's passing is a stepping stone on a path that I must walk. I am learning to love & forgive unconditionally, to grieve, to let go and to smile again, in spite of it all. Preparation for what's to come? Maybe. Or maybe its all just part of growing a grown up.
June 18, 2011
This and That
It has been two weeks since I've blogged. Wow. And while I have a lot to say about the past 2 weeks, I will only be able to give Reader's Digest versions or even just snippets to elaborate on later.
Last Saturday, I hosted 2 college girls from Skagit. They are attending a week long conference at my church which will teach them to become better disciples of Christ. How could I say "no" to that? This will be my 3rd year and I had high hopes for a wonderful experience. You see, the 2 students that I hosted last year were amazing. We bonded almost instantly and I loved having them in my home. They were faith-filled, loving, giving Christian women who inspired me to be better, try harder, do more. Unfortunately, that was not the case this year as the two students slung closely to each other almost to the point of sharing a bedroom instead of having their own room. I needed to pray for grace to accept where they were which did not include me. It was awkward and, sadly, I admit I am happy they are gone. I'm sure having them around touched a few triggers for me and I need to identify those so I can release them. Later, of course.
My trip across "the pond" is just over a month away. I have been frantically working out so as to not keep the plane from taking off because of my weight. I know I wouldn't but I still feel like a great big fat unworthy girl that I believed I was for so long. Looking for cute clothes to take with me really sucks. Let me say that again - it REALLY sucks. And I have to bring a bathing suit and a dress, too? Oh no.
As for my dating life, it is non-existent still. But God is still working on me and I am not ready. I trust Him to provide someone for me. I just hope its soon. I'm not getting any younger, after all!
I am at a living waters conference this weekend, led by founder Andy Comiskey. He is not what I had pictures. Neither is his wife. They are both very entertaining, however, and I am learning new things. But its not the new things that I am taken by. Its the old things that I still struggle with that spins my head. They are a constant reminder of my need for God's grace and forgiveness. They remind me that I am nothing without God's mercy and love. They are indicators that point me in the direction that I need to walk, which is toward the cross, asking for help. I learned that its ok to fall as long as I fall forward. Hmmm. As the discussions lead to honoring men, I found I was guilty of heaping onto the male gender's burden of not knowing what to do anymore or how to act. I find I'm unsure of how to treat a man after witnessing my parent's relationship. I know its not supposed to be controlling or manipulative or demeaning but I'm afraid I know no other way. And that scares me.
I am happy to have had God sing over me during the blessing of the women. "I am with you. I named you. I call you Beloved. I love you. You are mine." I am still a work in progress and my journey is long and fraught with opportunities to confess my sin, my weakness, my need.
To be continued...
Last Saturday, I hosted 2 college girls from Skagit. They are attending a week long conference at my church which will teach them to become better disciples of Christ. How could I say "no" to that? This will be my 3rd year and I had high hopes for a wonderful experience. You see, the 2 students that I hosted last year were amazing. We bonded almost instantly and I loved having them in my home. They were faith-filled, loving, giving Christian women who inspired me to be better, try harder, do more. Unfortunately, that was not the case this year as the two students slung closely to each other almost to the point of sharing a bedroom instead of having their own room. I needed to pray for grace to accept where they were which did not include me. It was awkward and, sadly, I admit I am happy they are gone. I'm sure having them around touched a few triggers for me and I need to identify those so I can release them. Later, of course.
My trip across "the pond" is just over a month away. I have been frantically working out so as to not keep the plane from taking off because of my weight. I know I wouldn't but I still feel like a great big fat unworthy girl that I believed I was for so long. Looking for cute clothes to take with me really sucks. Let me say that again - it REALLY sucks. And I have to bring a bathing suit and a dress, too? Oh no.
As for my dating life, it is non-existent still. But God is still working on me and I am not ready. I trust Him to provide someone for me. I just hope its soon. I'm not getting any younger, after all!
I am at a living waters conference this weekend, led by founder Andy Comiskey. He is not what I had pictures. Neither is his wife. They are both very entertaining, however, and I am learning new things. But its not the new things that I am taken by. Its the old things that I still struggle with that spins my head. They are a constant reminder of my need for God's grace and forgiveness. They remind me that I am nothing without God's mercy and love. They are indicators that point me in the direction that I need to walk, which is toward the cross, asking for help. I learned that its ok to fall as long as I fall forward. Hmmm. As the discussions lead to honoring men, I found I was guilty of heaping onto the male gender's burden of not knowing what to do anymore or how to act. I find I'm unsure of how to treat a man after witnessing my parent's relationship. I know its not supposed to be controlling or manipulative or demeaning but I'm afraid I know no other way. And that scares me.
I am happy to have had God sing over me during the blessing of the women. "I am with you. I named you. I call you Beloved. I love you. You are mine." I am still a work in progress and my journey is long and fraught with opportunities to confess my sin, my weakness, my need.
To be continued...
May 29, 2011
Waiting...
Sometimes it feels like I am waiting for Godot. Anyone familiar with that story knows its about a pair of people who stand around waiting for someone named Godot. The pair wait in vain as Godot, whom they hardly know, never shows. Yet they wait, hoping against hope that "Godot" will show.
I am in a period of waiting. For what? Good question. Wish I had an answer but, to be honest, I don't know. I guess I'm waiting for something to happen to me... um, for me? Something. Anything. My life seems to be status quo and has been for some time. And I admit I've allowed that but I have done so on purpose. Because I'm waiting... for... something...
This reminds me of the song that never ends. It just goes on and on and on again. That seems to be the story of my waiting - it just goes on, it has no end.
And until something happens, I will just have to sit here and wait.
I sure hope something happens soon because I don't know how long I can wait.
I sure wish I knew what I was waiting for...
I am in a period of waiting. For what? Good question. Wish I had an answer but, to be honest, I don't know. I guess I'm waiting for something to happen to me... um, for me? Something. Anything. My life seems to be status quo and has been for some time. And I admit I've allowed that but I have done so on purpose. Because I'm waiting... for... something...
This reminds me of the song that never ends. It just goes on and on and on again. That seems to be the story of my waiting - it just goes on, it has no end.
And until something happens, I will just have to sit here and wait.
I sure hope something happens soon because I don't know how long I can wait.
I sure wish I knew what I was waiting for...
May 21, 2011
Living Beyond Myself
I was recently invited to join a woman's bible study group that meets every other Thursday. They are studying Beth Moore series called Living Beyond Yourself.
Anyone familiar with Beth Moore knows she is a kick in the pants. She's a big haired fireball from Texas who is a total straight shooter with a side of comic relief thrown in. And she uses real, every day examples from her life to make her points. So far, I like her.
The series so far has addressed living in the Spirit. Our daily prayer is to ask God to fill us with His spirit and to confess. I'm not sure what that will look like or why I need to ask it but I'm trying it out.
Confession is hard. Why is that? I don't have anything big to confess but there sure are a lot of little things like judgment, anger, jealousy. Confessing is a daily reminder that I am a sinful person and far from perfect but sometimes its hard to acknowledge that and it hurts. I sometimes wonder if that is the reason I am single - so I can become more Godly and less human. The more I try to understand who I was created to be, the less I like who I am. I know I need to change but how? With God's help and His grace, I can be who He wants me to be. Speak to me, Lord. Tell me how to be you and not me.
I'm open to suggestions.
Anyone familiar with Beth Moore knows she is a kick in the pants. She's a big haired fireball from Texas who is a total straight shooter with a side of comic relief thrown in. And she uses real, every day examples from her life to make her points. So far, I like her.
The series so far has addressed living in the Spirit. Our daily prayer is to ask God to fill us with His spirit and to confess. I'm not sure what that will look like or why I need to ask it but I'm trying it out.
Confession is hard. Why is that? I don't have anything big to confess but there sure are a lot of little things like judgment, anger, jealousy. Confessing is a daily reminder that I am a sinful person and far from perfect but sometimes its hard to acknowledge that and it hurts. I sometimes wonder if that is the reason I am single - so I can become more Godly and less human. The more I try to understand who I was created to be, the less I like who I am. I know I need to change but how? With God's help and His grace, I can be who He wants me to be. Speak to me, Lord. Tell me how to be you and not me.
I'm open to suggestions.
May 2, 2011
Lamentations
Church recently did a series on lamentation. Not a real pick-me-up topic but an honest part of life. We we asked to write one of our own which included being vulnerable with God and honest with ourselves.
I was skeptical when I sat down to write mine but it didn't take long. It is honest and true but, gratefully, not a daily dwelling place. And I am including it here so I can refer to it in the future, when I forget to thank Him for my joy.
Hillcrest lamentation:
Lord,
For so long, I have called out to you, wanting comfort, wanting to hear you tell me that you hear me, that you haven’t forgotten me. Still, I wait for an answer or for something that says my sadness and loneliness will soon end.
My heart aches, Father, for all of the pain I’ve experienced recently. There is nothing but darkness around me. I have no family, no friends, no spouse, no children. All around me are people laughing and living. I see so much happiness being shared in families and communities but I am not a part of that. I am an outsider. I want so desperately to belong somewhere and to someone. Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this life? I have nothing, Lord but a broken, empty heart. How many times have I cried out to you, begging for this to end only to face another day isolated and alone? Sometimes, it’s too much to bear and I begin to believe that you ignore me and have rejected me. I lose hope.
My head questions you but my heart knows the truth. Lord, I know you love me and have plans to prosper me like you did with Job. You call me beautiful, friend, bride. You are faithful. You fill my needs, you watch over me, you hold me when I cry. You drown out the voices that tell me I am nothing, I have no value. You have revealed yourself to me in countless ways that I cannot deny. In you, I have everything I desire.
Help me, Father, to desire and submit to you. Only you can fill the emptiness inside of me.
I was skeptical when I sat down to write mine but it didn't take long. It is honest and true but, gratefully, not a daily dwelling place. And I am including it here so I can refer to it in the future, when I forget to thank Him for my joy.
Hillcrest lamentation:
Lord,
For so long, I have called out to you, wanting comfort, wanting to hear you tell me that you hear me, that you haven’t forgotten me. Still, I wait for an answer or for something that says my sadness and loneliness will soon end.
My heart aches, Father, for all of the pain I’ve experienced recently. There is nothing but darkness around me. I have no family, no friends, no spouse, no children. All around me are people laughing and living. I see so much happiness being shared in families and communities but I am not a part of that. I am an outsider. I want so desperately to belong somewhere and to someone. Why am I alone? What did I do to deserve this life? I have nothing, Lord but a broken, empty heart. How many times have I cried out to you, begging for this to end only to face another day isolated and alone? Sometimes, it’s too much to bear and I begin to believe that you ignore me and have rejected me. I lose hope.
My head questions you but my heart knows the truth. Lord, I know you love me and have plans to prosper me like you did with Job. You call me beautiful, friend, bride. You are faithful. You fill my needs, you watch over me, you hold me when I cry. You drown out the voices that tell me I am nothing, I have no value. You have revealed yourself to me in countless ways that I cannot deny. In you, I have everything I desire.
Help me, Father, to desire and submit to you. Only you can fill the emptiness inside of me.
April 3, 2011
Amazed
It has been 2 weeks since my last blog which I can't believe. Why? Well, I haven't been using up my 5000+ daily spoken words otherwise and if I haven't been writing, where did they go?
Well, I don't think I had anything to write about. I hurt my back doing Crossfit so I haven't been working out. My eating has been ok, too. I do have to admit that since I saw nutritionist Linda and have been eating her way, I don't crave sweets like I used to. I don't feel thinner and my clothes don't feel any better but my sweet tooth has gone on vacation and that is a good thing.
Despite the stuff or lack thereof that is going on in my life, I am amazed at how God is meeting me right where I am - at church, in my sore back, in my refrigerator. He is everywhere if I choose to look for Him. When I am sad that I have no friends, a thoughtful text appears on my phone or on Facebook. When I am lonely, my parakeet, Spirit, calls to me from her cage, wanting to be let out so she can preen me and sing to me. When I wish to be in a relationship, I hear of yet another couple heading for divorce. When my back issue gets me down, I have a day of reprieve and am reminded of how healthy I really am. When my life begins to feel mundane, my Ireland "room mate" Suzette sends me an Email loaded with things that make me laugh and anxious for this trip.
I often forget just how blessed I am. Although my life feels empty sometimes, I realize just how full it really is. It may not be my idea of full - kids, a spouse, a noisy/busy house- but its good enough for now. And soon the time will come to shed this skin and put on a new one.
Lord, prepare me for that day. Help me to see how all of these experiences are merely tools to use for another time. And that its ALL good.
Well, I don't think I had anything to write about. I hurt my back doing Crossfit so I haven't been working out. My eating has been ok, too. I do have to admit that since I saw nutritionist Linda and have been eating her way, I don't crave sweets like I used to. I don't feel thinner and my clothes don't feel any better but my sweet tooth has gone on vacation and that is a good thing.
Despite the stuff or lack thereof that is going on in my life, I am amazed at how God is meeting me right where I am - at church, in my sore back, in my refrigerator. He is everywhere if I choose to look for Him. When I am sad that I have no friends, a thoughtful text appears on my phone or on Facebook. When I am lonely, my parakeet, Spirit, calls to me from her cage, wanting to be let out so she can preen me and sing to me. When I wish to be in a relationship, I hear of yet another couple heading for divorce. When my back issue gets me down, I have a day of reprieve and am reminded of how healthy I really am. When my life begins to feel mundane, my Ireland "room mate" Suzette sends me an Email loaded with things that make me laugh and anxious for this trip.
I often forget just how blessed I am. Although my life feels empty sometimes, I realize just how full it really is. It may not be my idea of full - kids, a spouse, a noisy/busy house- but its good enough for now. And soon the time will come to shed this skin and put on a new one.
Lord, prepare me for that day. Help me to see how all of these experiences are merely tools to use for another time. And that its ALL good.
March 20, 2011
Make life happen
Life is good but life is short. With all of the death I've heard of or experienced recently, I'm beginning to realize just how true that it. Just last month, a former high school classmate died after being involved in a motorcycle accident. He was 42.
I wish I knew how long I would be on this earth. I wish I knew when God destined to bring me home to Him. The fact is I don't know and I never will until the time when I am called home. Its scary to think I have no control over this. I have no say in where or when or how.
Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they do not go gentle into that good night." Does that mean we should fight death? That we should tell God when we feel our time is up? Not at all. At least that's not how I read it.
I was given one chance - one life with which to do something. Anything. Do I use it to sit on the couch and watch the parade go by from the window? Do I try to discover a cure for cancer? Do I venture out into the great big world? Do I raise conscientious kids to be environmentally aware? Do I wait for something to happen? Do I smile at the one person who needs it most and maybe save his/her life by one simple gesture?
All of these are possible for me. I have done some, I will do others and I can still help with others. That's was great about life. The possibilities are endless. When I look down a tunnel, I tend to see only the darkness and not the long stretch of road that has no limits. I limit myself.
As I await God's plan for my life, its time to do something. I have decided to make something happen at least once each year. This year, I will go to Ireland/Scotland in July. I have never crossed the Atlantic Ocean and the idea of it scares me but it will be an adventure I will never forget. I have also wanted to visit every state at least once in my lifetime so its time to make that happen as well. I have at least 10 states under my belt but have a long way to go. With friends in Florida, Texas and North Carolina, I have even more reasons.
Life happens whether we want it to or not. Time to get moving. Life is for the living and I ain't dead yet.
I wish I knew how long I would be on this earth. I wish I knew when God destined to bring me home to Him. The fact is I don't know and I never will until the time when I am called home. Its scary to think I have no control over this. I have no say in where or when or how.
Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they do not go gentle into that good night." Does that mean we should fight death? That we should tell God when we feel our time is up? Not at all. At least that's not how I read it.
I was given one chance - one life with which to do something. Anything. Do I use it to sit on the couch and watch the parade go by from the window? Do I try to discover a cure for cancer? Do I venture out into the great big world? Do I raise conscientious kids to be environmentally aware? Do I wait for something to happen? Do I smile at the one person who needs it most and maybe save his/her life by one simple gesture?
All of these are possible for me. I have done some, I will do others and I can still help with others. That's was great about life. The possibilities are endless. When I look down a tunnel, I tend to see only the darkness and not the long stretch of road that has no limits. I limit myself.
As I await God's plan for my life, its time to do something. I have decided to make something happen at least once each year. This year, I will go to Ireland/Scotland in July. I have never crossed the Atlantic Ocean and the idea of it scares me but it will be an adventure I will never forget. I have also wanted to visit every state at least once in my lifetime so its time to make that happen as well. I have at least 10 states under my belt but have a long way to go. With friends in Florida, Texas and North Carolina, I have even more reasons.
Life happens whether we want it to or not. Time to get moving. Life is for the living and I ain't dead yet.
The Best Loved Doll
When I was a kid, one of my favorite stories was called "The Best Loved Doll". Its the story of a girl who gets invited to a party where prizes will be given for the oldest doll, the best-dressed doll, and the doll who can do the most things. The girl looks through her collection of dolls - some beautiful, some elaborately dressed, some with many talents. The competition is fierce and the suspense mounts as the girl looks over all of her dolls, trying to decide which one to take. She finally decides on a raggedy, well worn doll whose rough appearance and tattered clothes impress no one but the girl. This doll is the girl's favorite and best loved.
That doll is me - cracked and damaged, worn and ragged. I have a lifetime of painful experiences that contribute to the wear and tear of every day life. So much of me is broken, and parts of me are missing. All around me are women more beautiful, thin, wonderfully dressed, perfect. Sometimes, I see that I am a mess when I compare myself to them. I see women training for marathons when it hurts me sometimes to walk because if a back issue. I envy women in high heeled shoes and skinny jeans with precisely applied make up and flawless hair knowing heels aggravates my back, my fat jeans are tight, the cold sore on my face feels like Mt Vesuvius and the grays are overtaking the browns. I hear of weddings and newborn babies realizing that, at this moment, it is just me.
Sometimes that stuff gets me down. But, like the doll in the story, I know that no matter how I look or how broken I am, I am still loved. I have the love of friends and family, of church and Father, Son & Holy Spirit. And I know that if I am who I was created to be and live my life in the way I was created to live, I will be giving as well as receiving love. Aches and pains, wrinkles and grays are a part of who I am. And that's ok. Because no matter what, I will always be the best loved me.
That doll is me - cracked and damaged, worn and ragged. I have a lifetime of painful experiences that contribute to the wear and tear of every day life. So much of me is broken, and parts of me are missing. All around me are women more beautiful, thin, wonderfully dressed, perfect. Sometimes, I see that I am a mess when I compare myself to them. I see women training for marathons when it hurts me sometimes to walk because if a back issue. I envy women in high heeled shoes and skinny jeans with precisely applied make up and flawless hair knowing heels aggravates my back, my fat jeans are tight, the cold sore on my face feels like Mt Vesuvius and the grays are overtaking the browns. I hear of weddings and newborn babies realizing that, at this moment, it is just me.
Sometimes that stuff gets me down. But, like the doll in the story, I know that no matter how I look or how broken I am, I am still loved. I have the love of friends and family, of church and Father, Son & Holy Spirit. And I know that if I am who I was created to be and live my life in the way I was created to live, I will be giving as well as receiving love. Aches and pains, wrinkles and grays are a part of who I am. And that's ok. Because no matter what, I will always be the best loved me.
February 13, 2011
Loving well
Happy Valentine's Day! Yes, it's here - the day that recognizes coupledom and adds acid to the wounds of single people everywhere.
Its not really that bad, is it? I do have to wonder what this day is really about. Does it celebrate love or commercialism? Is it possible to feel loved without receiving a dozen over-priced roses? Can a person be grateful for a life well loved without having to receive another piece of jewelry? How many of us are content knowing that we are with the one we love, even if he needs to be reminded of birthdays, anniversaries or where the laundry hamper is.
I'd like to think that I would think this way no matter my relationship status. Isn't being loved enough? And I don't just mean in an intimate/physical way. A very wise friend once told me that the Native Americans define intimacy as the ability to see into another. It has nothing to do with the secular, TV-promoted body-heated intensity that we have come to understand. It means knowing someone deeply, honestly, truly. It means looking past the masks that we wear so to come across as having it all together and seeing another's heart and soul in their natural, vulnerable state. INTIMACY = Into Me You See.
If I had one wish this Valentine's day, its that we remember that love comes in many forms. It can be shown in the kisses of a neighbor dog or the coos of a tiny baby. Its shown to us in the blooming of each beautiful flower and every sunrise. Its in a short but sweet text or Email from a dear friend and in a coffee shop where friends sit together and share their lives with each other. Love is all around. It doesn't need to be bought. That price was already paid. It doesn't need to be delivered. It was freely given to everyone. What an amazing thing to have every day of the year. So, this Valentine's day, I ask us all to stop and take a moment to give thanks for the love we all have in our lives, whether its from spouses, kids, parents, friends, pets or an amazing Savior. Whatever your situation or status, YOU ARE LOVED.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is but to love and be loved in return." Eden Abhez
Its not really that bad, is it? I do have to wonder what this day is really about. Does it celebrate love or commercialism? Is it possible to feel loved without receiving a dozen over-priced roses? Can a person be grateful for a life well loved without having to receive another piece of jewelry? How many of us are content knowing that we are with the one we love, even if he needs to be reminded of birthdays, anniversaries or where the laundry hamper is.
I'd like to think that I would think this way no matter my relationship status. Isn't being loved enough? And I don't just mean in an intimate/physical way. A very wise friend once told me that the Native Americans define intimacy as the ability to see into another. It has nothing to do with the secular, TV-promoted body-heated intensity that we have come to understand. It means knowing someone deeply, honestly, truly. It means looking past the masks that we wear so to come across as having it all together and seeing another's heart and soul in their natural, vulnerable state. INTIMACY = Into Me You See.
If I had one wish this Valentine's day, its that we remember that love comes in many forms. It can be shown in the kisses of a neighbor dog or the coos of a tiny baby. Its shown to us in the blooming of each beautiful flower and every sunrise. Its in a short but sweet text or Email from a dear friend and in a coffee shop where friends sit together and share their lives with each other. Love is all around. It doesn't need to be bought. That price was already paid. It doesn't need to be delivered. It was freely given to everyone. What an amazing thing to have every day of the year. So, this Valentine's day, I ask us all to stop and take a moment to give thanks for the love we all have in our lives, whether its from spouses, kids, parents, friends, pets or an amazing Savior. Whatever your situation or status, YOU ARE LOVED.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is but to love and be loved in return." Eden Abhez
February 6, 2011
Don't Let Your Fears Lead to a Life Filled with Regrets
Written by Cliff Young
I just read a somewhat depressing article describing secret regrets of twenty-something men. It was a collection of short testimonials from guys who weren't able to share their feelings with someone they really cared about, who let their "true love" get away, who weren't able to forgive a wrong and who hurt someone they had loved.
I was somewhat surprised, yet inspired, at their honest heartfelt admission of (self-described) insecurity, selfishness, mistakes, cowardliness and immaturity, mostly because they were made by a group of young (probably non-Christian) guys in today's society.
No matter what the age group, religious background, or economic status though, most men, and I would include myself in this, probably share some of these along with a number of other regrets from their past.
So, what is it that holds us back from doing what we really want to do and what we know to be right?
Paul ponders this in Romans 7:18, "For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it."
Are we just going along with what other people think or say we should do? Do we not care? Are we trying to take the easy (or lazy) road? Do we put more emphasis on ourselves and our pride than others? Or are our decisions (or non-decisions) based upon some aspect of fear—fear of failure, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being embarrassed, fear of appearing weak or fear of making the wrong choice?
Fear can be contagious, spread from the pessimism of those around us, and seems to be the common denominator in many aspects of our life today.
We are fearful of losing our jobs, our investments and our homes, we fear international terrorism, we fear where the nation is headed, we fear the stock market's volatility, we are influenced by the fear of what a person may do in political office, we are fearful of starting a new relationship, we fear being alone, and we fear what we do not understand.
We don't draw conclusions based on facts, sound biblical advice and our hearts, but rather on fear. When we make our choices (or avoid them) in this way, they often result in regret—for not doing what we believe in, for not being ourselves or for worrying about things we cannot control.
If we reflect upon yesterday with regrets and tomorrow with fear, we are not content in our situation or the lives we are leading. Wouldn't we rather have regret for not doing what people say or for almost anything else than regret not doing what our heart tells us to and wonder how our lives would have been different if we had?
As children, many of us grew up with the thought that nothing could touch us or harm us. We felt invincible and lived fearlessly. However, somewhere between then and now, we lost that assurance, that "I can do anything" spirit. At some point in our lives, fear took its place, influenced by society, parents, friends, experiences or from a number of other sources. As we "matured," many of those fears developed and became second nature to us, and we have grown to accept it and it in us. Today our fears often dictate how we live.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10).
Fear is referenced hundreds of times in the Bible, but in the majority of cases it speaks of fearing the Lord, which brings peace and confidence, not fear of circumstances. So, how do we face our fears so we don't live with regrets? We accept and trust in the perfect love of the Lord. We ask him for his direction and peace. We trust him in our situations, and after much prayer we step out in confidence.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:18-19).
As Peter stepped out of the boat in faith in the midst of a storm to meet Jesus walking on water (Matthew 14:29), each of us needs to step out in those "fearful" situations if we are going to take advantage of the opportunities we are given.
Scripture reassures us, "No one who trusts God like this—heart and soul—will ever regret it" (Romans 10:11).
Don't allow your fears or doubts to rob you from your heart's desire. Don't end up like the other disciples, who cowered in the boat and followed the group. Get up, take a step out and trust God like your life depended upon it and like there is no tomorrow. You won't be disappointed and you won't regret it.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
— Corrie Ten Boom
January 23, 2011
LW lesson #...
I'm amazed that after 2.5 years in Living Waters, I still have a lot to learn. I am actually grateful that my time isn't being wasted because I already know it all. God has definitely used this time to stir up my stuff and teach me even more lessons.
In December, one of our group leaders decided she needed to leave our group. This was told to us by group leader #2. I could tell it affected her probably as much as it affected me. She was very kind and gracious about the news. I was not. We used our time to talk about the changes that would occur. I voiced my protest, making it known that it was NOT ok for leader #1 to leave us. You see, leader #1 was also my group co-leader during my first LW year. So, my first thought was, "Not again" followed by "why does she keep doing this (to me)?" Wow. Big words from one who knows it all, right? At the time, leader #2 gave no explanation other than #1 decided it was best to leave due to personal reasons. What a bunch of crap! If you're not ready to lead, then don't sign on. But don't earn the trust of your group, expect them to be honest and vulnerable with you then leave. That's not ok. I was angry and my group knew it. Worse yet, we would get a new co-leader - a woman who didn't know us and hadn't earned our trust.
I carried that anger toward #1 for 3 weeks. When we finally met again, I was indifferent toward her and I didn't care. After the lesson, we went to our usual spot for group. #1 came in and wanted to talk with us, to explain why she needed to step back. If you can picture a child who is being made to do something they don't want to do, arms folded in protest, then you have seen me. I didn't care what she had to say, it didn't matter. #1 went on to explain her deeply personal struggles and how they were interfering with her ability to lead. What she said was sincere and honest. She could not have been more vulnerable or transparent and I felt like a jerk. She tried to make eye contact with me but all I could do was avert my eyes in shame... my shame over my lack of grace toward her. She left the room saying she loved us and would continue to pray for us. At that moment, I realized I still had so much to learn.
After leader #2 introduced our new co-leader, we did our usual checking in with everyone. First, Elaine then Ana then me. At my turn, thru tear filled eyes, I asked to be excused. #2, in her understandingly kind and loving way, said, "you're coming back, right?" I nodded then left the room, in search of #1. I could not face my group until I had made things right in my heart. I needed to make things right with her. I needed to confess my sin against her. I needed to ask for her forgiveness for my anger and judgment.
When I approached her, she looked surprised to see me and asked if #2 knew I had left. Her concern was for our group and I appreciated that. I explained what I had been feeling over the past 3 weeks and how I was mad at her. I told her I held a grudge against her for leaving me again and how I was determined not to forgive her, no matter what. I told her how her humility showed me that I still have far to go. As she graciously put her arms around me, I told her I was sorry and so very wrong to judge her. I asked for her forgiveness which she gave. Then I made the long walk back to my group, ready to disclose my sins to them and ask for God's forgiveness.
I thank God for forgiveness. I thank Him for grace. I thank Him for showing me that I still have a long way to go in becoming the person He created me to be. And I thank Him for the opportunity to do so.
"Amazing grace. How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see."
In December, one of our group leaders decided she needed to leave our group. This was told to us by group leader #2. I could tell it affected her probably as much as it affected me. She was very kind and gracious about the news. I was not. We used our time to talk about the changes that would occur. I voiced my protest, making it known that it was NOT ok for leader #1 to leave us. You see, leader #1 was also my group co-leader during my first LW year. So, my first thought was, "Not again" followed by "why does she keep doing this (to me)?" Wow. Big words from one who knows it all, right? At the time, leader #2 gave no explanation other than #1 decided it was best to leave due to personal reasons. What a bunch of crap! If you're not ready to lead, then don't sign on. But don't earn the trust of your group, expect them to be honest and vulnerable with you then leave. That's not ok. I was angry and my group knew it. Worse yet, we would get a new co-leader - a woman who didn't know us and hadn't earned our trust.
I carried that anger toward #1 for 3 weeks. When we finally met again, I was indifferent toward her and I didn't care. After the lesson, we went to our usual spot for group. #1 came in and wanted to talk with us, to explain why she needed to step back. If you can picture a child who is being made to do something they don't want to do, arms folded in protest, then you have seen me. I didn't care what she had to say, it didn't matter. #1 went on to explain her deeply personal struggles and how they were interfering with her ability to lead. What she said was sincere and honest. She could not have been more vulnerable or transparent and I felt like a jerk. She tried to make eye contact with me but all I could do was avert my eyes in shame... my shame over my lack of grace toward her. She left the room saying she loved us and would continue to pray for us. At that moment, I realized I still had so much to learn.
After leader #2 introduced our new co-leader, we did our usual checking in with everyone. First, Elaine then Ana then me. At my turn, thru tear filled eyes, I asked to be excused. #2, in her understandingly kind and loving way, said, "you're coming back, right?" I nodded then left the room, in search of #1. I could not face my group until I had made things right in my heart. I needed to make things right with her. I needed to confess my sin against her. I needed to ask for her forgiveness for my anger and judgment.
When I approached her, she looked surprised to see me and asked if #2 knew I had left. Her concern was for our group and I appreciated that. I explained what I had been feeling over the past 3 weeks and how I was mad at her. I told her I held a grudge against her for leaving me again and how I was determined not to forgive her, no matter what. I told her how her humility showed me that I still have far to go. As she graciously put her arms around me, I told her I was sorry and so very wrong to judge her. I asked for her forgiveness which she gave. Then I made the long walk back to my group, ready to disclose my sins to them and ask for God's forgiveness.
I thank God for forgiveness. I thank Him for grace. I thank Him for showing me that I still have a long way to go in becoming the person He created me to be. And I thank Him for the opportunity to do so.
"Amazing grace. How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see."
January 16, 2011
In Search of Cheers
Today is Sunday, a day that is synonymous with church because its when most church goers go to church. I was raised Catholic therefore I learned early on that church was an obligation. To miss was a sin that needed to be confessed. I dreaded confession more than anything so I went to church and fulfilled my obligation.
Fast forward 15 years - I finally find a Catholic church St Catherine of Alexandria (SCOA)- where I feel welcomed and like I belong. I became involved in several ministries and was known to many. I was "Norm" and church was Cheers - the place where everybody knew my name. Leaving it to move to Bellingham was hard to do.
It has been 10 years since I moved up and I have yet to find a church like SCOA. I have tried several different places and denominations but none seem to fit. The local Catholic churches are about families, having babies or being retired. The non-denoms feel more like mega WalMarts. I have gotten involved in two small groups at my current church but it still doesn't feel like home to me.
I should be at church today but I would rather stay home, watching squirrels collect the peanuts I put out for them. I find so much contentment seeing birds eat out of the feeder. I'd prefer cooking and baking to being in a room full of strangers. I know God is there but going to worship leaves me feeling even more alone. I find God in little things like TV shows on animal rescues or watching deer walk across my lawn.
Is it wrong to not want to go to church? I know church is also about community but there is no sense of community for me there. And the thought of trying out another church doesn't appeal to me, either. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I liked going to church. I wish I felt like I belonged somewhere.
Fast forward 15 years - I finally find a Catholic church St Catherine of Alexandria (SCOA)- where I feel welcomed and like I belong. I became involved in several ministries and was known to many. I was "Norm" and church was Cheers - the place where everybody knew my name. Leaving it to move to Bellingham was hard to do.
It has been 10 years since I moved up and I have yet to find a church like SCOA. I have tried several different places and denominations but none seem to fit. The local Catholic churches are about families, having babies or being retired. The non-denoms feel more like mega WalMarts. I have gotten involved in two small groups at my current church but it still doesn't feel like home to me.
I should be at church today but I would rather stay home, watching squirrels collect the peanuts I put out for them. I find so much contentment seeing birds eat out of the feeder. I'd prefer cooking and baking to being in a room full of strangers. I know God is there but going to worship leaves me feeling even more alone. I find God in little things like TV shows on animal rescues or watching deer walk across my lawn.
Is it wrong to not want to go to church? I know church is also about community but there is no sense of community for me there. And the thought of trying out another church doesn't appeal to me, either. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I liked going to church. I wish I felt like I belonged somewhere.
January 7, 2011
Resolving to have resolve
So, its a new year. Yippee! And this year, like in years past, I considered making a resolution but I remember failing to keep them or even remember them after 3 weeks. Nope, no resolution for me this time.
But I will promise myself one thing - to be kinder to me. I know that no one else will take care of me. I have to do it for myself. That means I am not allowed to beat myself up over little things. It also means that when I fail at something, I will try not to sulk or be embarrassed but hold my head up for even trying. I will put myself out there more to meet people and keep from hiding. I will eat healthier simply because my body needs good fuel. I hope to laugh more, enjoy the stillness of a Saturday morning while drinking coffee and watching birds eat out of the feeder and be ok. I would like to say I will hand control over to God but I am human and struggle with this constantly. But if I can at least try, then that in itself is a success.
Sounds like a lot of work but it must be done if I am to live a life of no regrets. As the saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Here I go. Wish me luck!
But I will promise myself one thing - to be kinder to me. I know that no one else will take care of me. I have to do it for myself. That means I am not allowed to beat myself up over little things. It also means that when I fail at something, I will try not to sulk or be embarrassed but hold my head up for even trying. I will put myself out there more to meet people and keep from hiding. I will eat healthier simply because my body needs good fuel. I hope to laugh more, enjoy the stillness of a Saturday morning while drinking coffee and watching birds eat out of the feeder and be ok. I would like to say I will hand control over to God but I am human and struggle with this constantly. But if I can at least try, then that in itself is a success.
Sounds like a lot of work but it must be done if I am to live a life of no regrets. As the saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Here I go. Wish me luck!
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