Today is the last day of 2010 and I can say with confidence that I will be happy to see it go. It had been a challenging year for me, filled with so much sadness.
I know God taught me so much this year. He has taken me out of my comfort zone, that's for sure. With all of the financial decisions that had to be made as well as losing my two best friends, I realize just how much older and wiser I feel as a result.
Right now, I'm sitting in Starbucks, drinking a pumpkin spice latte. It was a drink Maureen and I favored and would share a cup over the phone on our "date nights". As I sip, I know it tastes different and I can't help but wonder if that is because I am different as a result of her passing. I find nothing in it to savor, no sense of familiarity, no comfort, Its just a drink. And that reality makes me sad.
But its time to say good bye - to pumpkin spice lattes, to best friends, to sorrow. A new day is on the horizon and I must be there to greet it. 2011 holds infinite possibilities and opportunities for me, if I am willing to reach for them. I can't do that if I am stuck in the past, stuck in my grief over what was or could have been. This is my love letter to the ones who loved me so unconditionally. This is my good bye to Maureen and Missy. My heart continues to break but I will leave my sadness at the doorstep of 2010, ready to embrace a new year and a new beginning:
My precious friends,
My heart has become shards of glass. My tears are streams that flow into rivers. My sadness is deafening. But your suffering is over, your pain is gone. I look for comfort in that and in knowing you are in heaven, watching over me, loving me, rejoicing over the life that is to come for me. How blessed I was to have you. You painted the canvas of my life so brilliantly with your rainbow colors. I hold on to the hope that you went away to make room for what's to come. I know you will share in my future, staying close to me in heart and spirit. What a gift to have had your friendship for so long. I am so thankful for our time together.
(The song that is sung every New Years Eve is based on a Scottish poem of the same name)
"Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished, and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold, that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect on Old long syne.
My Heart is ravisht with delight, when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight, and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face, so fills this Heart of mine;
That Force nor Fate can me displease for Old long syne.
Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief, when from thee I am gone;
will not thy presence yield relief, to this sad Heart of mine:
Why doth thy presence me defeat, with excellence divine?
Especially when I reflect on Old long syne."
Sun setting In Cuzco, Peru
December 31, 2010
December 27, 2010
A breaking heart
In just a few short hours, I will do what I never imagined having to do, especially alone. I will be laying my dog down to sleep for the last time.
Over the weekend, she had gotten sick and was weak. As hard as it was to see her this way, it wasn't nearly as hard as it was to hear she had cancer and would soon die. It is only a matter of time before her spleen ruptures as she is already bleeding internally. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. My heart broke as I was faced with the options - surgery or euthanize. Surgery gives no guarantees short of a 25% chance of surviving.
I know the second option is truly the best. And I realize how thankful I should be to have had her for 9 years but right now all I can do is cry and ask God to draw me very close to Him.
I can't imagine my life without Missy. I don't want to go to bed tonight and not hear the tapping of her nails on the floor. I don't want to look at her food bowl as it sits empty. I will have to put away her blanket and bed and leash to keep me from looking for her. I ache knowing I will never hike with her, hear her snore, watch her get sassy over wanting her treats or turn cookie time into a game of keep away.
I've always been told that euthanizing a pet is the most selfless thing an owner can do for their animal. But right now, I don't want to be selfless. I want to yell at the vets and tell them they're crazy. I want to scream, "She's fine! She can't leave me. I can't lose another best friend. Its not fair. Missy can't die. Its not her time. "
The other part of me hopes that Missy will leave on her terms. That soon she will take her last breaths and pass quietly and peacefully, knowing I am sitting next to her, loving her. But, the reality is that I will have to make that decision for her as I know she would never leave me.
I wrote her a letter, telling her I would be fine and thanking her for being such a good friend and protector. I apologized for all the times I was short with her or didn't walk her when she needed it because I was too tired or lazy. I told her I loved her. I am telling her still. And when the vet comes, I pray that, despite her deafness, she will hear me.
I will try to be strong but I am wrong to expect so much.
Good bye, my precious friend... until we meet again.
Over the weekend, she had gotten sick and was weak. As hard as it was to see her this way, it wasn't nearly as hard as it was to hear she had cancer and would soon die. It is only a matter of time before her spleen ruptures as she is already bleeding internally. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. My heart broke as I was faced with the options - surgery or euthanize. Surgery gives no guarantees short of a 25% chance of surviving.
I know the second option is truly the best. And I realize how thankful I should be to have had her for 9 years but right now all I can do is cry and ask God to draw me very close to Him.
I can't imagine my life without Missy. I don't want to go to bed tonight and not hear the tapping of her nails on the floor. I don't want to look at her food bowl as it sits empty. I will have to put away her blanket and bed and leash to keep me from looking for her. I ache knowing I will never hike with her, hear her snore, watch her get sassy over wanting her treats or turn cookie time into a game of keep away.
I've always been told that euthanizing a pet is the most selfless thing an owner can do for their animal. But right now, I don't want to be selfless. I want to yell at the vets and tell them they're crazy. I want to scream, "She's fine! She can't leave me. I can't lose another best friend. Its not fair. Missy can't die. Its not her time. "
The other part of me hopes that Missy will leave on her terms. That soon she will take her last breaths and pass quietly and peacefully, knowing I am sitting next to her, loving her. But, the reality is that I will have to make that decision for her as I know she would never leave me.
I wrote her a letter, telling her I would be fine and thanking her for being such a good friend and protector. I apologized for all the times I was short with her or didn't walk her when she needed it because I was too tired or lazy. I told her I loved her. I am telling her still. And when the vet comes, I pray that, despite her deafness, she will hear me.
I will try to be strong but I am wrong to expect so much.
December 23, 2010
Grief - a necessary evil
I was listening to the radio yesterday like I always do. On one a station I- can't even remember where- was a talk show on the topic of Dr Seuss. The man in the conversation talked also about what he and his family went through when they found out his wife had cancer. He noted that her diagnosis became a community event as friends and neighbors pitched in to help him and his 4 kids function so mom could fight her battle. What he said next struck me. He said grief is a necessary part of life because it causes us to grow and teaches us true appreciation. Interesting. And probably very true.
(I wish I could tell you what that had to do with Dr Seuss but I didn't hear the rest of the talk.)
This morning, I received my weekly Crossroads Email - a Christian singles newsletter that's educational and encouraging. The topic was on Christ and how, as a single adult, He lived in such a way as to be fully aware of what being human means. I've read topics like that before so this was not earth shattering more than just a good reminder. But I was able to keep a part of it that brings me comfort and draws me closer to Him. He has been where I am now. I have always attributed His courage and faith to the fact that He was God and forgotten that He was also man. He has felt what I feel. He has cried and grieved. He has been angry. He has been rejected and abandoned by those who loved Him. He has been hurt, deceived, betrayed. He gets me. That's so cool.
Below is what I will hold on to. Loss through death, divorce or estrangement is still loss. And grief is a necessary part of life but it's the healing that comes at the end of it that truly is a blessing and miracle. At least, I hope so.
Jesus Understood All Kinds of Loss:
"We pour out our miseries. God just hears a melody.
Beautiful the mess we are - the honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah."
On the verge of tears, I can't help but think God must be loving my mess a whole lot right now.
(I wish I could tell you what that had to do with Dr Seuss but I didn't hear the rest of the talk.)
This morning, I received my weekly Crossroads Email - a Christian singles newsletter that's educational and encouraging. The topic was on Christ and how, as a single adult, He lived in such a way as to be fully aware of what being human means. I've read topics like that before so this was not earth shattering more than just a good reminder. But I was able to keep a part of it that brings me comfort and draws me closer to Him. He has been where I am now. I have always attributed His courage and faith to the fact that He was God and forgotten that He was also man. He has felt what I feel. He has cried and grieved. He has been angry. He has been rejected and abandoned by those who loved Him. He has been hurt, deceived, betrayed. He gets me. That's so cool.
Below is what I will hold on to. Loss through death, divorce or estrangement is still loss. And grief is a necessary part of life but it's the healing that comes at the end of it that truly is a blessing and miracle. At least, I hope so.
Jesus Understood All Kinds of Loss:
- Jesus suffered the pain of losing his friend Lazarus whom he loved. Even though Jesus had the knowledge of knowing he would raise him from the dead, he still felt the pain not only of his loss but of those around him. Jesus knows our pain of losing friends. Friends from our childhood to adulthood. Friends who we may think have died too young or for no reason. Friends and family who sometimes just leave. Please know you are not alone in your loss, your pain, your grief.
When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. - (John 11:32-36)
"We pour out our miseries. God just hears a melody.
Beautiful the mess we are - the honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah."
On the verge of tears, I can't help but think God must be loving my mess a whole lot right now.
December 20, 2010
Prayer of Submission
I learned the following prayer last year in Living Waters. I say it every night before I fall asleep as a promise to God and as a reminder to myself that His will be done. I thought it was worth sharing.
Father,
I abandon myself into your hands. Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I am ready for all. I accept all. Let only your will be done in me.
I ask no more than this, Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul. I offer it to you with all the
love of my heart because I love you and so, need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve and with
boundless confidence.
For you are my Father.
by Charles de Foucauld
Father,
I abandon myself into your hands. Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I am ready for all. I accept all. Let only your will be done in me.
I ask no more than this, Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul. I offer it to you with all the
love of my heart because I love you and so, need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve and with
boundless confidence.
For you are my Father.
by Charles de Foucauld
December 12, 2010
Love is Patient
I've heard it said that whatever you send out to the universe will be returned to you. Written by a man, this so eloquently speaks to my wants and since I know a few married men who emulate this, I am hopeful. That being said, I am sending this article to the universe with the caveat that "he" would be perfect for me, when the time is right. ; )
What a Man Brings to Marriage
We often focus on what we will get out of a marriage relationship: Is this person my soul mate? Does she speak to me? Does she affirm me? Do her strengths compliment me? And so forth.
Perhaps it's time to start focusing on what we men can bring to a marriage relationship and to start working on these areas right now in our lives, so that we will have something to bring to the table (a man's dowry, if you will) before making a lifelong commitment.
"It is painful, being a man, to have to assert the privilege, or the burden, which Christianity lays upon my own sex. I am crushingly aware of how inadequate most of us are, on our actual and historical individualities, to fill the place prepared for us."
-- C.S. Lewis from God in the Dock
As men, we are expected (by society) to be cool, dress fashionably, make a lot of money, drive a sports car, have chiseled looks, and have it all together in order to be "marriage material." As Christians, we are to be God-fearing, prayerful, seminary scholars on the path to eldership within our church. Since most of us fall short of these so-called expectations, what can we do to bring the most to our marriages and where do we start? We can begin by delving deep into the following passage.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).
How did Christ actually love the church? Simply put, through sacrificial and sanctifying love.
Sacrificial Love
As a single adult, the term sacrificial is not at the forefront of my thoughts. My day usually revolves around me, my needs, my wants and my desires. However, for me to prepare to be the best husband I can be, I must begin now to incorporate sacrificial thinking into my daily life.
Jesus so loved the church that he gave himself up for her through his death. If we are to love our wives someday as Christ loved the church, we must be prepared to die to ourselves in many ways that are a part of our everyday lives. As two people become one, individual freedom, time and desires should be replaced with (or at least negotiated) with marital goals, obligations and activities.
Persecution of the church caused pain deep within Jesus' soul as indicated by His response to Saul. Christ chose to suffer with His bride; husbands must be willing to share in the struggles of theirs. It is not only a commitment, but also a sign of love. Her problems, disappointments and losses become yours; mine and hers become ours.
I don't know what it will be like to be married someday, but after all of my years of living single, I recognize that I will need to die to myself in many areas of my life, be prepared to share in both the triumphs and the struggles of my wife, and pray fervently for and with my future mate.
Sanctifying Love
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word (Ephesians 5:25-26).
Marriage under Christ is a relationship that will bring two individuals closer to Him and cause both to change for the better, making each more holy. It is the responsibility of the man within a marriage to help lead the couple closer to holiness, towards sanctification.
The head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).
Today, we have a mixed message of what true leadership is. Is a leader someone who scores a basket or a touchdown and beats his chest drawing attention to himself? Is a leader a politician who uses their position not to serve but to self-serve? Was Adam, our first male role model, a leader by following his wife into sin instead of standing up for what he knew was wrong?
The movie We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson, depicted the life of Lt Col Hal Moore during his service in the Vietnam War. His motto was, "We will all come home together." His men fought for and alongside him so diligently because he led with integrity, by example, and with love. That is true leadership.
To be that kind of leader, who leads a marriage closer to sanctification, we (men) must first place ourselves under the Lordship and authority of God. Only through our relationship with Him can we learn how to live out His Word in our heart, exemplify His Word in our actions and follow His Word in how we love, which will all lead to holiness.
Lead with Integrity
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...till death do us part.
-- Common wedding vows
With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, I often wonder what happens to these vows that are made when a couple says, "I do." A wedding is one of the few times in life where a person makes a public vow in front of God and witnesses, and chooses to enter into a commitment of marriage based upon love, not feelings.
Lead by Example
In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you. You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people. Let your lives shine brightly before them (Philippians 2:14-15).
When God returned to the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3:8-20), he called to Adam and asked, "Did you eat fruit from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?" His response was not that of someone who was leading by example. Adam's first words were, "You gave this woman to me..." God calls us to take responsibility for our actions, confess our wrongdoing, and repent.
Marriages need that kind of a leader, one who is willing to admit his wrong and one who is leading under the Lordship and guidance of the Lord. Leading by example doesn't mean bringing attention to your achievements or telling others what they should be doing. A husband can pray in solitude, help his wife without asking, spend time with the children, and show love to his wife through his actions. Whether married or not, we can all lead by example.
Lead with Love
Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
I have heard these words spoken at almost every wedding ceremony that I have been a part of and I wonder if anyone really considers what this verse is saying. Love is patient affects almost every other emotion or reaction in a relationship.
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it....In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself. No one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it. And that is what Christ does for the church (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).
Jesus' message for us is clear. We are to love our (future) wives as He loved the church, in a sacrificial and sanctifying way; we are to love her like we love ourselves. It seems simple enough and it can be if we learn to take our eyes off of us and our personal desires. If we place our eyes on the Lord, we will learn to live more sacrificially with our lives, our time and our prayers. As we do, our lives will become an example of integrity and love to others. This is what we can bring to a marriage.
Perhaps it's time to start focusing on what we men can bring to a marriage relationship and to start working on these areas right now in our lives, so that we will have something to bring to the table (a man's dowry, if you will) before making a lifelong commitment.
"It is painful, being a man, to have to assert the privilege, or the burden, which Christianity lays upon my own sex. I am crushingly aware of how inadequate most of us are, on our actual and historical individualities, to fill the place prepared for us."
-- C.S. Lewis from God in the Dock
As men, we are expected (by society) to be cool, dress fashionably, make a lot of money, drive a sports car, have chiseled looks, and have it all together in order to be "marriage material." As Christians, we are to be God-fearing, prayerful, seminary scholars on the path to eldership within our church. Since most of us fall short of these so-called expectations, what can we do to bring the most to our marriages and where do we start? We can begin by delving deep into the following passage.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).
How did Christ actually love the church? Simply put, through sacrificial and sanctifying love.
Sacrificial Love
As a single adult, the term sacrificial is not at the forefront of my thoughts. My day usually revolves around me, my needs, my wants and my desires. However, for me to prepare to be the best husband I can be, I must begin now to incorporate sacrificial thinking into my daily life.
Jesus so loved the church that he gave himself up for her through his death. If we are to love our wives someday as Christ loved the church, we must be prepared to die to ourselves in many ways that are a part of our everyday lives. As two people become one, individual freedom, time and desires should be replaced with (or at least negotiated) with marital goals, obligations and activities.
Persecution of the church caused pain deep within Jesus' soul as indicated by His response to Saul. Christ chose to suffer with His bride; husbands must be willing to share in the struggles of theirs. It is not only a commitment, but also a sign of love. Her problems, disappointments and losses become yours; mine and hers become ours.
I don't know what it will be like to be married someday, but after all of my years of living single, I recognize that I will need to die to myself in many areas of my life, be prepared to share in both the triumphs and the struggles of my wife, and pray fervently for and with my future mate.
Sanctifying Love
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word (Ephesians 5:25-26).
Marriage under Christ is a relationship that will bring two individuals closer to Him and cause both to change for the better, making each more holy. It is the responsibility of the man within a marriage to help lead the couple closer to holiness, towards sanctification.
The head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).
Today, we have a mixed message of what true leadership is. Is a leader someone who scores a basket or a touchdown and beats his chest drawing attention to himself? Is a leader a politician who uses their position not to serve but to self-serve? Was Adam, our first male role model, a leader by following his wife into sin instead of standing up for what he knew was wrong?
The movie We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson, depicted the life of Lt Col Hal Moore during his service in the Vietnam War. His motto was, "We will all come home together." His men fought for and alongside him so diligently because he led with integrity, by example, and with love. That is true leadership.
To be that kind of leader, who leads a marriage closer to sanctification, we (men) must first place ourselves under the Lordship and authority of God. Only through our relationship with Him can we learn how to live out His Word in our heart, exemplify His Word in our actions and follow His Word in how we love, which will all lead to holiness.
Lead with Integrity
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...till death do us part.
-- Common wedding vows
With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, I often wonder what happens to these vows that are made when a couple says, "I do." A wedding is one of the few times in life where a person makes a public vow in front of God and witnesses, and chooses to enter into a commitment of marriage based upon love, not feelings.
- Love your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).
- Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you (Hebrew 13:5).
- Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony (Matthew 19:18).
- Keep the oaths you have made to the Lord (Matthew 5:33).
Lead by Example
In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you. You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people. Let your lives shine brightly before them (Philippians 2:14-15).
When God returned to the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3:8-20), he called to Adam and asked, "Did you eat fruit from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?" His response was not that of someone who was leading by example. Adam's first words were, "You gave this woman to me..." God calls us to take responsibility for our actions, confess our wrongdoing, and repent.
Marriages need that kind of a leader, one who is willing to admit his wrong and one who is leading under the Lordship and guidance of the Lord. Leading by example doesn't mean bringing attention to your achievements or telling others what they should be doing. A husband can pray in solitude, help his wife without asking, spend time with the children, and show love to his wife through his actions. Whether married or not, we can all lead by example.
Lead with Love
Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
I have heard these words spoken at almost every wedding ceremony that I have been a part of and I wonder if anyone really considers what this verse is saying. Love is patient affects almost every other emotion or reaction in a relationship.
- A patient person is less likely to be jealous, boastful, proud or rude
- A patient person is probably less demanding
- A patient person is probably more forgiving and understanding.
- A patient person is more likely to listen first before reacting (and not react emotionally)
- A patient person is more likely to wait on God
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it....In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself. No one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it. And that is what Christ does for the church (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).
Jesus' message for us is clear. We are to love our (future) wives as He loved the church, in a sacrificial and sanctifying way; we are to love her like we love ourselves. It seems simple enough and it can be if we learn to take our eyes off of us and our personal desires. If we place our eyes on the Lord, we will learn to live more sacrificially with our lives, our time and our prayers. As we do, our lives will become an example of integrity and love to others. This is what we can bring to a marriage.
December 10, 2010
Can I validate you?
Unless you're in Seattle shopping, this isn't a question one hears very often. But secretly, I think it is one many would like to be asked. My answer would be "Yes, please and how."
It seems lately I have been so desperate for validation, confirmation that I'm ok. Ever since the main source of validation left this earth, something has been obviously missing in my life. Whenever I was weary, frantic, neurotic, anxious, doubtful or low, Maureen would always respond with, "Susie, you're ok." And, somehow, just hearing that made me ok again. And it wasn't that I was not ok but I needed to be reminded that I was. Isn't that funny? Its like wondering if I am loved or normal or alive. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.
Last week, I received a great gift - confirmation that I am loved and ok. I continue to struggle with Maureen's passing and all of the unanswered questions I was left with. I questioned...no, doubted her love for me. I doubted our friendship. I vented my anger toward her for leaving me when she promised we would grow old together and raise our children to be best friends. I am ashamed to admit that I even regretted our friendship, mostly out of anger and self pity. That is, until last Friday when I finally had a conversation with her sister, Melissa. She told me Maureen loved me. This was confirmed in me when she mentioned finding a box filled with pictures of us from over the years and mementos, letters, trinkets, etc. Melissa was surprised to find this treasure chest but said, "You really were her best friend." And that made everything in me better.
When I asked about Maureen's last days of life, I was sad to hear that she was reluctant to contact me because she feared I was freaked out from my time with her. That broke my heart. While that time was incredibly challenging and humbling, it, in no way, diminished my love for her. I was angry about other things that I had hoped we would discuss at a later time, which never came. Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I refused to contact her out of anger and left her to pass believing that she had scared me off. I refused to validate her worth in my life because I was angry. And, for that, I am so, so sorry.
I have learned a lot over the past five months. There is truth is the saying, "Never let the sun set on your anger." It also goes without saying that we need to cherish the people in our lives while we have them and that life is short so love with all your heart. We know we are all validated through our Lord and Savior but it never hurts to hear hat we are loved, valuable and cherished by others. Don't wait for tomorrow to do it for it is promised to no one.
It seems lately I have been so desperate for validation, confirmation that I'm ok. Ever since the main source of validation left this earth, something has been obviously missing in my life. Whenever I was weary, frantic, neurotic, anxious, doubtful or low, Maureen would always respond with, "Susie, you're ok." And, somehow, just hearing that made me ok again. And it wasn't that I was not ok but I needed to be reminded that I was. Isn't that funny? Its like wondering if I am loved or normal or alive. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.
Last week, I received a great gift - confirmation that I am loved and ok. I continue to struggle with Maureen's passing and all of the unanswered questions I was left with. I questioned...no, doubted her love for me. I doubted our friendship. I vented my anger toward her for leaving me when she promised we would grow old together and raise our children to be best friends. I am ashamed to admit that I even regretted our friendship, mostly out of anger and self pity. That is, until last Friday when I finally had a conversation with her sister, Melissa. She told me Maureen loved me. This was confirmed in me when she mentioned finding a box filled with pictures of us from over the years and mementos, letters, trinkets, etc. Melissa was surprised to find this treasure chest but said, "You really were her best friend." And that made everything in me better.
When I asked about Maureen's last days of life, I was sad to hear that she was reluctant to contact me because she feared I was freaked out from my time with her. That broke my heart. While that time was incredibly challenging and humbling, it, in no way, diminished my love for her. I was angry about other things that I had hoped we would discuss at a later time, which never came. Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I refused to contact her out of anger and left her to pass believing that she had scared me off. I refused to validate her worth in my life because I was angry. And, for that, I am so, so sorry.
I have learned a lot over the past five months. There is truth is the saying, "Never let the sun set on your anger." It also goes without saying that we need to cherish the people in our lives while we have them and that life is short so love with all your heart. We know we are all validated through our Lord and Savior but it never hurts to hear hat we are loved, valuable and cherished by others. Don't wait for tomorrow to do it for it is promised to no one.
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