As I hung up the phone tonight, after talking with my mom, the Tom Petty song with the same title went thru my head. Its a song that's probably more about being high than anything else but it still resonates in my head.
Tonight's talk with mom was a good reminder of how far I've come. You see, even though I leave for Ireland in less than 36 hours, I withheld telling my parents of my trip until tonight. In the past, whenever I wanted to do something, I was made to feel guilty about it. For example, I would be told that I should spend my vacation time with family, not take a vacation on my own. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I would be called selfish or get guilt over the amount of money I'd spend or the lack of concern for them. Doing things for myself was never encouraged so I learned to withhold information until that wasn't an option. Sometimes, I would even do things and tell no one just so word wouldn't get back to them. It was a matter of survival in a way - hide the truth or face consequences.
Its sad to think that I lived that way but I had to. So, tonight as I talked with mom, I found the nerve to tell her I would be on vacation for 2 weeks. Her first question was did I have enough time to take. Then came how much it cost and why would I want to go. In a gentle way, I said, "Be happy for me." That softened the edges and our conversation turned to her fears. I know she is a very frightened woman and somewhere inside her is an even more frightened little girl who is afraid of everything. She credits me for having the courage to live alone, travel and live my life my way. The truth is that not so long ago, I was the same way - too afraid to sleep in the dark or travel or live alone. I was afraid of my own shadow. But, with the healing work that I've been doing thru counseling and Living waters, I have found freedom. I'm learning to fly and it feels good.
Sun setting In Cuzco, Peru
July 17, 2011
July 9, 2011
Growth spurts
Just when I thought I couldn't grow any more, God feeds me Miracle Grow and tells me I have yet to bloom.
It was on this date last year when Maureen died. Its hard to believe that but I'm not sure what's hard about it - that she is gone, that I made it through a year with my heart still in tact or that life goes on despite the sadness. Life is a funny thing. There is pain, joy, struggle, strife, birth and death. And through it all or even in spite of it, the world never stops turning, plants never stop growing, the sun never stops shining.
Ironically, Bellingham holds its Relay for Life this weekend. I walk in it every year as I have done for 10 years. Last year, I walked before I found out she had gone to heaven so I was unaffected by it during my walk. That was not the case this year.
I decided to attend the opening ceremony and cheer on the survivors I barely made it past the singing of Amazing Grace when I started to cry tears that refused to stop. It had been a while since I've cried that much. Maybe it was time to let go of the sadness. Or maybe it was time to realize the truth. Perhaps it was a little of both, sprinkled with loneliness for the loss of my soul sister and a pinch of regret. Maybe I was crying because of all of the people who survived knowing Maureen was not one of them. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart hurt and I could not contain it and needed to leave.
A few hours later, I returned to Relay to walk my allotted hour. As much as I dreaded it, it turned out to be a good thing. I t gave me time to think, to pray and to heal. I sat next to the luminaries that I made for Maureen and talked with her. I told her how much I missed her and how sad I was that she was gone. Sitting there, I found comfort in knowing she knew this and was with me in spirit. It felt good, peaceful. I know I will always miss her and will even continue to shed tears but she is in heaven, no longer being ravaged by cancer. That is a very good thing.
Looking back on this, I now realize that Maureen's passing is a stepping stone on a path that I must walk. I am learning to love & forgive unconditionally, to grieve, to let go and to smile again, in spite of it all. Preparation for what's to come? Maybe. Or maybe its all just part of growing a grown up.
"Death is not the end. It is merely a path that all must take." - Gandalf
It was on this date last year when Maureen died. Its hard to believe that but I'm not sure what's hard about it - that she is gone, that I made it through a year with my heart still in tact or that life goes on despite the sadness. Life is a funny thing. There is pain, joy, struggle, strife, birth and death. And through it all or even in spite of it, the world never stops turning, plants never stop growing, the sun never stops shining.
Ironically, Bellingham holds its Relay for Life this weekend. I walk in it every year as I have done for 10 years. Last year, I walked before I found out she had gone to heaven so I was unaffected by it during my walk. That was not the case this year.
I decided to attend the opening ceremony and cheer on the survivors I barely made it past the singing of Amazing Grace when I started to cry tears that refused to stop. It had been a while since I've cried that much. Maybe it was time to let go of the sadness. Or maybe it was time to realize the truth. Perhaps it was a little of both, sprinkled with loneliness for the loss of my soul sister and a pinch of regret. Maybe I was crying because of all of the people who survived knowing Maureen was not one of them. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart hurt and I could not contain it and needed to leave.
A few hours later, I returned to Relay to walk my allotted hour. As much as I dreaded it, it turned out to be a good thing. I t gave me time to think, to pray and to heal. I sat next to the luminaries that I made for Maureen and talked with her. I told her how much I missed her and how sad I was that she was gone. Sitting there, I found comfort in knowing she knew this and was with me in spirit. It felt good, peaceful. I know I will always miss her and will even continue to shed tears but she is in heaven, no longer being ravaged by cancer. That is a very good thing.
Looking back on this, I now realize that Maureen's passing is a stepping stone on a path that I must walk. I am learning to love & forgive unconditionally, to grieve, to let go and to smile again, in spite of it all. Preparation for what's to come? Maybe. Or maybe its all just part of growing a grown up.
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