For Auld Lang Syne

Today is the last day of 2010 and I can say with confidence that I will be happy to see it go.  It had been a challenging year for me, filled with so much sadness.

I know God taught me so much this year.  He has taken me out of my comfort zone, that's for sure.  With all of the financial decisions that had to be made as well as losing my two best friends, I realize just how much older and wiser I feel as a result.

Right now, I'm sitting in Starbucks, drinking a pumpkin spice latte.  It was a drink Maureen and I favored and would share a cup over the phone on our "date nights".  As I sip, I know it tastes different and I can't help but wonder if that is because I am different as a result of her passing. I find nothing in it to savor, no sense of familiarity, no comfort,  Its just a drink.  And that reality makes me sad.

But its time to say good bye - to pumpkin spice lattes, to best friends, to sorrow.  A new day is on the horizon and I must be there to greet it.  2011 holds infinite possibilities and opportunities for me, if I am willing to reach for them.  I can't do that if I am stuck in the past, stuck in my grief over what was or could have been.  This is my love letter to the ones who loved me so unconditionally.  This is my good bye to Maureen and Missy.  My heart continues to break but I will leave my sadness at the doorstep of 2010, ready to embrace a new year and a new beginning:


My precious friends,
My heart has become shards of glass.  My tears are streams that flow into rivers.  My sadness is deafening.  But your suffering is over, your pain is gone.  I look for comfort in that and in knowing you are in heaven, watching over me, loving me, rejoicing over the life that is to come for me.  How blessed I was to have you.  You painted the canvas of my life so brilliantly with your rainbow colors.   I hold on to the hope that you went away to make room for what's to come.  I know you will share in my future, staying close to me in heart and spirit.  What a gift to have had your friendship for so long.  I am so thankful for our time together. 

(The song that is sung every New Years Eve is based on a Scottish poem of the same name)   

"Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished, and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold, that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight, when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight, and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face, so fills this Heart of mine;
That Force nor Fate can me displease for Old long syne.

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief, when from thee I am gone;
will not thy presence yield relief, to this sad Heart of mine:
Why doth thy presence me defeat, with excellence divine?
Especially when I reflect on Old long syne."

 

A breaking heart

In just a few short hours, I will do what I never imagined having to do, especially alone.  I will be laying my dog down to sleep for the last time.

Over the weekend, she had gotten sick and was weak.  As hard as it was to see her this way, it wasn't nearly as hard as it was to hear she had cancer and would soon die.  It is only a matter of time before her spleen ruptures as she is already bleeding internally.  I have cried more than I ever thought possible.  My heart broke as I was faced with the options - surgery or euthanize.  Surgery gives no guarantees short of a 25% chance of surviving.

I know the second option is truly the best.  And I realize how thankful I should be to have had her for 9 years but right now all I can do is cry and ask God to draw me very close to Him.

I can't imagine my life without Missy.  I don't want to go to bed tonight and not hear the tapping of her nails on the floor.  I don't want to look at her food bowl as it sits empty.  I will have to put away her blanket and bed and leash to keep me from looking for her.  I ache knowing I will never hike with her, hear her snore, watch her get sassy over wanting her treats or turn cookie time into a game of keep away.   

I've always been told that euthanizing a pet is the most selfless thing an owner can do for their animal.  But right now, I don't want to be selfless.  I want to yell at the vets and tell them they're crazy.  I want to scream, "She's fine! She can't leave me.  I can't lose another best friend.  Its not fair.  Missy can't die.  Its not her time. "

The other part of me hopes that Missy will leave on her terms.  That soon she will take her last breaths and pass quietly and peacefully, knowing I am sitting next to her, loving her.  But, the reality is that I will have to make that decision for her as I know she would never leave me.

I wrote her a letter, telling her I would be fine and thanking her for being such a good friend and protector.  I apologized for all the times I was short with her or didn't walk her when she needed it because I was too tired or lazy.  I told her I loved her.  I am telling her still.  And when the vet comes, I pray that, despite her deafness, she will hear me.

I will try to be strong but I am wrong to expect so much.

Good bye, my precious friend... until we meet again.

Grief - a necessary evil

I was listening to the radio yesterday like I always do.  On one a station I- can't even remember where- was a talk show on the topic of Dr Seuss.  The man in the conversation talked also about what he and his family went through when they found out his wife had cancer.   He noted that her diagnosis became a community event as friends and neighbors pitched in to help him and his 4 kids function so mom could fight her battle.  What he said next struck me.  He said grief is a necessary part of life because it causes us to grow and teaches us true appreciation.  Interesting.  And probably very true. 
(I wish I could tell you what that had to do with Dr Seuss but I didn't hear the rest of the talk.)

This morning, I received my weekly Crossroads Email - a Christian singles newsletter that's educational and encouraging.  The topic was on Christ and how, as a single adult, He lived in such a way as to be fully aware of what being human means. I've read topics like that before so this was not earth shattering more than just a good reminder.  But I was able to keep a part of it that brings me comfort and draws me closer to Him.  He has been where I am now.  I have always attributed His courage and faith to the fact that He was God and forgotten that He was also man.  He has felt what I feel.  He has cried and grieved.  He has been angry.  He has been rejected and abandoned by those who loved Him.  He has been hurt, deceived, betrayed.  He gets me.  That's so cool.


Below is what I will hold on to.  Loss through death, divorce or estrangement is still loss.  And grief is a necessary part of life but it's the healing that comes at the end of it that truly is a blessing and miracle.  At least, I hope so. 


Jesus Understood All Kinds of Loss:

• Jesus suffered the pain of losing his friend Lazarus whom he loved. Even though Jesus had the knowledge of knowing he would raise him from the dead, he still felt the pain not only of his loss but of those around him. Jesus knows our pain of losing friends. Friends from our childhood to adulthood. Friends who we may think have died too young or for no reason. Friends and family who sometimes just leave. Please know you are not alone in your loss, your pain, your grief.
  When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept.  
• (John 11:32-36)

Ironically, as I write this, Amy Grant is singing:
"We pour out our miseries.  God just hears a melody.  
Beautiful the mess we are - the honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah."


On the verge of tears, I can't help but think God must be loving my mess a whole lot right now. 

Prayer of Submission

I learned the following prayer last year in Living Waters.  I say it every night before I fall asleep as a promise to God and as a reminder to myself that His will be done.   I thought it was worth sharing.


Father,
I abandon myself into your hands.  Do with me what you will. 
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I am ready for all.  I accept all.  Let only your will be done in me.
I ask no more than this, Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.  I offer it to you with all the
love of my heart because I love you and so, need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve and with
boundless confidence.
For you are my Father.

by Charles de Foucauld

Love is Patient

I've heard it said that whatever you send out to the universe will be returned to you.  Written by a man, this so eloquently speaks to my wants and since I know a few married men who emulate this, I am hopeful.  That being said, I am sending this article to the universe with the caveat that "he" would be perfect for me, when the time is right.   ; )        

What a Man Brings to Marriage

We often focus on what we will get out of a marriage relationship:  Is this person my soul mate?  Does she speak to me?  Does she affirm me?  Do her strengths compliment me?  And so forth. 

Perhaps it's time to start focusing on what we men can bring to a marriage relationship and to start working on these areas right now in our lives, so that we will have something to bring to the table (a man's dowry, if you will) before making a lifelong commitment.

"It is painful, being a man, to have to assert the privilege, or the burden, which Christianity lays upon my own sex.  I am crushingly aware of how inadequate most of us are, on our actual and historical individualities, to fill the place prepared for us."
-- C.S. Lewis from God in the Dock


As men, we are expected (by society) to be cool, dress fashionably, make a lot of money, drive a sports car, have chiseled looks, and have it all together in order to be "marriage material."  As Christians, we are to be God-fearing, prayerful, seminary scholars on the path to eldership within our church.  Since most of us fall short of these so-called expectations, what can we do to bring the most to our marriages and where do we start?  We can begin by delving deep into the following passage.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).


How did Christ actually love the church?  Simply put, through sacrificial and sanctifying love.

Sacrificial Love


As a single adult, the term sacrificial is not at the forefront of my thoughts.  My day usually revolves around me, my needs, my wants and my desires.  However, for me to prepare to be the best husband I can be, I must begin now to incorporate sacrificial thinking into my daily life. 


Jesus so loved the church that he gave himself up for her through his death.  If we are to love our wives someday as Christ loved the church, we must be prepared to die to ourselves in many ways that are a part of our everyday lives.  As two people become one, individual freedom, time and desires should be replaced with (or at least negotiated) with marital goals, obligations and activities.


Persecution of the church caused pain deep within Jesus' soul as indicated by His response to Saul.  Christ chose to suffer with His bride; husbands must be willing to share in the struggles of theirs.  It is not only a commitment, but also a sign of love.  Her problems, disappointments and losses become yours; mine and hers become ours.

I don't know what it will be like to be married someday, but after all of my years of living single, I recognize that I will need to die to myself in many areas of my life, be prepared to share in both the triumphs and the struggles of my wife, and pray fervently for and with my future mate.


Sanctifying Love
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word (Ephesians 5:25-26).

Marriage under Christ is a relationship that will bring two individuals closer to Him and cause both to change for the better, making each more holy.  It is the responsibility of the man within a marriage to help lead the couple closer to holiness, towards sanctification.
The head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Today, we have a mixed message of what true leadership is.  Is a leader someone who scores a basket or a touchdown and beats his chest drawing attention to himself?  Is a leader a politician who uses their position not to serve but to self-serve?  Was Adam, our first male role model, a leader by following his wife into sin instead of standing up for what he knew was wrong?
The movie We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson, depicted the life of Lt Col Hal Moore during his service in the Vietnam War.  His motto was, "We will all come home together."  His men fought for and alongside him so diligently because he led with integrity, by example, and with love.  That is true leadership.
To be that kind of leader, who leads a marriage closer to sanctification, we (men) must first place ourselves under the Lordship and authority of God.  Only through our relationship with Him can we learn how to live out His Word in our heart, exemplify His Word in our actions and follow His Word in how we love, which will all lead to holiness.

Lead with Integrity
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...till death do us part. 
-- Common wedding vows
With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, I often wonder what happens to these vows that are made when a couple says, "I do."  A wedding is one of the few times in life where a person makes a public vow in front of God and witnesses, and chooses to enter into a commitment of marriage based upon love, not feelings. 

• Love your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).
• Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you (Hebrew 13:5).
• Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony (Matthew 19:18).
• Keep the oaths you have made to the Lord (Matthew 5:33).

Leading with integrity in a marriage means memorizing and living out verses like these.  If we truly love God and love others according to Scripture, we will honor our commitments and God's commandments will live deep within our soul.  When we reach that point, we will lead our marriages with integrity, grow closer to God and to each other.

Lead by Example 
In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you.  You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people.  Let your lives shine brightly before them (Philippians 2:14-15).

When God returned to the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3:8-20), he called to Adam and asked, "Did you eat fruit from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?"  His response was not that of someone who was leading by example.  Adam's first words were, "You gave this woman to me..."  God calls us to take responsibility for our actions, confess our wrongdoing, and repent. 

Marriages need that kind of a leader, one who is willing to admit his wrong and one who is leading under the Lordship and guidance of the Lord.  Leading by example doesn't mean bringing attention to your achievements or telling others what they should be doing.  A husband can pray in solitude, help his wife without asking, spend time with the children, and show love to his wife through his actions.  Whether married or not, we can all lead by example.

Lead with Love 
Love is patient, love is kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.  It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).


I have heard these words spoken at almost every wedding ceremony that I have been a part of and I wonder if anyone really considers what this verse is saying.  Love is patient affects almost every other emotion or reaction in a relationship.

• A patient person is less likely to be jealous, boastful, proud or rude
• A patient person is probably less demanding
• A patient person is probably more forgiving and understanding.
• A patient person is more likely to listen first before reacting (and not react emotionally)
• A patient person is more likely to wait on God

If love is patient, then patience is probably one of the most important traits a leader can have, especially if he wants to lead with love.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it....In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies.  The man who loves his wife loves himself.  No one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it.  And that is what Christ does for the church (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).


Jesus' message for us is clear.  We are to love our (future) wives as He loved the church, in a sacrificial and sanctifying way; we are to love her like we love ourselves.  It seems simple enough and it can be if we learn to take our eyes off of us and our personal desires.  If we place our eyes on the Lord, we will learn to live more sacrificially with our lives, our time and our prayers.  As we do, our lives will become an example of integrity and love to others.  This is what we can bring to a marriage.

Can I validate you?

Unless you're in Seattle shopping, this isn't a question one hears very often.  But secretly, I think it is one many would like to be asked.  My answer would be "Yes, please and how."

It seems lately I have been so desperate for validation, confirmation that I'm ok.  Ever since the main source of validation left this earth, something has been obviously missing in my life.  Whenever I was weary, frantic, neurotic, anxious, doubtful or low, Maureen would always respond with, "Susie, you're ok."  And, somehow, just hearing that made me ok again.  And it wasn't that I was not ok but I needed to be reminded that I was.  Isn't that funny?  Its like wondering if I am loved or normal or alive.  Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Last week, I received a great gift - confirmation that I am loved and ok.  I continue to struggle with Maureen's passing and all of the unanswered questions I was left with.  I questioned...no, doubted her love for me.  I doubted our friendship.  I vented my anger toward her for leaving me when she promised we would grow old together and raise our children to be best friends.  I am ashamed to admit that I even regretted our friendship, mostly out of anger and self pity.  That is, until last Friday when I finally had a conversation with her sister, Melissa.  She told me Maureen loved me.  This was confirmed in me when she mentioned finding a box filled with pictures of us from over the years and mementos, letters, trinkets, etc.  Melissa was surprised to find this treasure chest but said, "You really were her best friend."  And that made everything in me better. 

When I asked about Maureen's last days of life, I was sad to hear that she was reluctant to contact me because she feared I was freaked out from my time with her.  That broke my heart.  While that time was incredibly challenging and humbling, it, in no way, diminished my love for her.  I was angry about other things that I had hoped we would discuss at a later time, which never came.  Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I refused to contact her out of anger and left her to pass believing that she had scared me off.  I refused to validate her worth in my life because I was angry.  And, for that, I am so, so sorry.

I have learned a lot over the past five months.  There is truth is the saying, "Never let the sun set on your anger."  It also goes without saying that we need to cherish the people in our lives while we have them and that life is short so love with all your heart.  We know we are all validated through our Lord and Savior but it never hurts to hear hat we are loved, valuable and cherished by others.  Don't wait for tomorrow to do it for it is promised to no one.

Solo under the Mistletoe

The holidays are creeping up on me and once again, I'm not ready.  I dread them, actually, because Hallmark makes cards for family, dogs, secretaries, retired people, "like a mom" but there's none for the single people of the world who endure endless commercials of "what will you give your loved one this Christmas?"

Normally, this time of year gets me down.  But this year, I am ready for it.  I've heard time and again about not judging books by their covers and that is what I am choosing to do.  For example, the woman in the commercials looks happy but does she really like that present that he got her?  Or will she go Drama Queen on him the minute the cameras stop rolling?  And he smiles at the sweater she got him but on the inside, I bet he's cringing at the thought of wearing orange stripes or pink polka dots. Or even the happy families you see walking in the streets could have screaming matches behind closed doors. 

Not everything is as it seems.  It may sound like I am going to relish in the agony of others but that is not the case.  This holiday season, I am going to count my blessings for my life because there are worse things than being single: being in an abusive relationship, being in a loveless relationship, being in Iraq, being homeless/jobless/friendless/hopeless/Saviorless. 

As I go through the process of replacing my windows, I am struck by how warm it is inside.  When I drive my car is a snowstorm, I am thankful for new tires and windshield wipers.  When I look in my closet, I am surprised at the number of shoes I have.  When Missy wanders the halls at night and I hear the tapping of nails on the wood floor, I am grateful she continues to stand guard over me.  When I open my cupboards, I am reminded of all of the packages of Oreos that I bought when they were on sale that I will use to bake treats for the friends I'm blessed to have.  When I look at my gym bag, I am thinking about my next sweat-fest and remembering the jeans I'm trying to get back into.  When I think of my best friend, I am thankful for good memories and even more thankful that she is in Heaven hanging out with Jesus.  When I look in the mirror, I can see a striking resemblance between my face and my heavenly Father's.

There are so many things to be thankful this year that the thought of being single pales in comparison. Besides, there is a time and place for everything with God and my time will come.  And right now, that's good enough for me.

Happy Holidays!!!

Desperately Seeking Inspiration

I wish I were blogging more but to be honest, I haven't had much to blog about.  I guess that's a good thing and I shouldn't complain. Mostly, it just feels like my life is boring.
I recently came across this article, however, and found it to be very inspirational.  All I have to add to it is a big AMEN!

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond:

In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life.

The goal is to grow in character, in being more like God, or in our case, Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.
 

Trusting God

It has been a while since I've had the chance to sit in my favorite coffee shop to surf the web and watch the world go by downtown Bellingham.  I've missed this!

There seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now and that is TRUST.  I struggle daily with trusting others and the thought of meeting a man and trusting him with my heart scares the beejeezus out of me.  Do I want to live alone forever?  No.  But the idea of permanently allowing someone into my life is even more intimidating than being single.  Rock - ME - Hard place.

Since I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, I haven't gone to church.  Well, I went today and guess what the sermon was about.  Yep, trust.  Its funny that this was the topic after all of the other Sundays that I missed.  I think God is trying to tell me something.  I wonder what that is...

I'm 5 weeks into year 3 of Living Waters and it is going ok so far.  I missed one lesson due to my illness.  And to be quite honest, I'm not really looking forward to this year.  But, I know I need it and it will be a good thing.  Rather than drop out and take a year off, I have to trust that God will do His best work thru LW and will help me work through my trust issues.  I have to trust my leaders and know they will speak God's truth into my life.  This will be especially challenging for me as I was expecting to be in a different group where I know God would have spoken to me.  And I have to trust the women in my group, to know they won't look down on me or judge me as I share my hurts or issues.  I pray we bond as I know I would be more open if we did.  Time will tell.  

Of one thing I am certain, I will be happy to see this year come to an end in a few short months.  It has been one filled with challenges and pain so I will happily celebrate the coming of a new and better year.  And I trust it will be a good year, 2011.  I think it will be one of my best and I look forward to it.  

Happy Halloween 2010!

I depend on...

All Beyonce fans know how the song goes - "I depend on me."  If there was a song that fit me to a T, this would be it.  I have learned over many years and tears that people fail you, disappointment is inevitable and no one can be counted on.  I became independent a long time ago, after being constantly let down by my parents.  Sad to say but true.

The people I allow into my life have to pass many tests in order to get past my walls of steel.  After that, there is a a moat filled with alligators, a rickety drawbridge and a complex labyrinth.  I am well protected and it would an act of Congress to get to my heart.  Few people have and even some of them have let me down. 

I have been angry because of this.  A person who I let in let me down.  And it hurt to the point where I was angry with her and would not talk to her.  I am working on this - on grace - but it is a constant effort.  I know NO ONE is perfect but I want them to be if they are in my heart.  And that is where I fail myself. 

A good friend recently asked me this question - do I put more trust in people than in God?  The answer is yes, shamefully so.  I hold people in high regard to the point of worshiping them.  I am a lowly woman who is not worthy of the great people that surround me.  And in putting them on pedestals, I allow them to fail me, maybe so I have a reason to keep them from getting too close.  I believe this is called reverse psychology.  This is where Dr Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?"  Not so well. 

I have many options but the one I will put my effort into will be to trust my Creator and Lord.  I can depend on Him to be there for me and never let me down.  My constant prayer has been "His will, not mine".   I will add, "because I trust Him."  Maybe by repeating this prayer, I will learn to have more trust in general and my maze can finally be dismantled.  God is capable of anything.  It's me I question. 



 

Knights vs Cowboys

As I stood in line at the airport today, I was struck by the number of men who pushed their way in front of me to get ahead.  We all eventually got on the plane but not one of them offered to let me go first.  Maybe I'm old fashioned but I was surprised as the lack of chivalry.  Is it dead?

This is a question that has been asked for many years by women who hope the answer is "No".  In fact, I know it still exists.  While I was at my grade school reunion last weekend, one of my classmates and long time friend, Matt, showed me this by opening my doors, letting me go ahead of him into a room, etc.  His wife is a lucky lady.  I just hope she knows how lucky.

Paula Cole asks, "Where have all the cowboys gone?"  I'm not looking for that Knight in Shining Armor who rides up with his Happily Ever After.  I am not a damsel in distress in need of being rescued.  I don't need to ride off into the sunset.  That is all make believe, created by an industry that thrives on fantasy.  Its not real.  

The way I see it, men are confused.  And who could blame them?  Back in the 60s and 70s, the women's revolution demanded equal treatment from men.  I'm sure there was a purpose for "women's lib" but have we, as a whole, taken it too far?  Men are constantly assaulted by mixed messages.  We want them to be soft.  We don't need them to protect us.  We don't need them to provide for us.  We don't need them to have children.  Even TV portrays men as buffoons who, without their smarter counterparts, would fail at even getting out of bed.  They can't live without women.  They can't think without women.  They can't function without women.  What have we done???

The truth is, God created each gender for a specific reason, primarily to be a reflection of His duality.  In other words, man was created to be an example of the protector and provider that God is.  Woman is the gentle, more loving side of Him.  A union of the two, in healthy balance, should replicate our Creator.  People, being sinful and selfish, have lost sight of this and really muddied the waters.  If you look around, you will likely see a generation or two of really confused people.  Women who want to dress like, act like, be like men and men who desire to emulate women.  I'm frightened to think of what our future holds if we continue on this path.  Will we become a nation of hermaphrodites?  Will the M or F check boxes be replaced by the generic A = androgyny. 

I pray for the day when we return to our original roles but its a fight we have to be willing to make.  I, for one, don't want to live in a world where men aren't allowed to be men and vice versa.  It took me too long to get comfortable with who God created me to be.  Now that I'm here, I plan to stay.  

Fearing Fear

Matthew 6:25 -  "Do not be anxious for your life, what you shall eat, or what you shall drink, nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?”

Philippians 4:6 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

You've probably guessed what this entry will be about.  And you would be right but its not fear I'm struggling with lately but anxiety which is the fruit of fear.  (In August, I went to see my doctor who decided it was best to put me on anti-depressants as I was not coping with Maureen's death in a healthy way.  In fact, there was a lot of darkness beginning to envelop me so I'm happily medicated.)  For some reason, I am having trouble falling asleep at night.  I will get my second wind around 7 and carry that into bed until after 11.  That's not good for a girl who wants sleep, needs sleep, loves sleep.

The obvious guess is that the drugs are affecting me but I am afraid to change them as I feel I have stabilized and can cope.  Next thought is that I am worried.  With my CA trip behind me, the worry over being liked and accepted by old friends is over.  There was no judgment, no fat jokes at my expense, nothing negative.  Only loving reunions.  So what's bugging me???

9/27 marked the beginning of another year of Living Waters.  To be honest, I am not looking forward to participating.  There are fewer familiar, friendly faces and my counselor has decided not to lead a group ever again even though she assured me I would be in her group.  That was a huge disappointment.  And with the struggles I experienced in last year's group, I admit I'm a little concerned about what God will stir up this time.  But I know one thing is certain- stir, He will.

While I had hoped that all of my issues had been resolved over the previous two years, I know better as I begin to realize others, such as possible commitment issues, hero  worship and a lack of compassion for the dependent.  These are a few of the things that were pointed out to me while I was in CA.  So, what do these have in common?  What is their root?  My guess is FEAR.

I fear trusting a man with my heart as I have been hurt too many times to count.  So, I look for heroic qualities, hoping he will save me from myself, protect me from harm and give me the confidence and security I so deeply desire.  Anything less than a hero would be considered weak in my opinion, incapable of taking care of even himself.

So, here I sit in my favorite coffee shop, envying every couple I know, wishing for relationship but knowing only how to repel.  What does this mean?  It means that my views are still skewed and I need another year of Living Waters.  God, help me.

In the meantime, I will continue to dream about the day Dean Cain shows up at my front door and flies me off into the sunset.  Ah.

All You Need is ...

Love is all you need.

The Beatles were spot on with this song.  It doesn't matter if its the love of family, friends or a significant other, love is like oxygen - we need it to live.

Over the past few days, I've come to realize how important love is as I spend time with people I have know for many years.  Friends.  My time with them has been precious.  We've laughed, shared, reminisced, exposed our flaws and I even cried once.  The one thing that was consistent with each friend were the words "I Love You".  When our time together had ended, we would hug and say those words to each other.  Genuine and sincere, thankful for the few hours we were given.

While I have always been hesitant to use those term, I now know that there is NO better time to let my friends know that I am honored and blessed to have them in my life.  Friendship is a gift freely given.  It cost nothing yet is priceless.  I am rich beyond measure to have so many wonderful people in my life.

I came to CA last week dreading my visit because it is the first time I have come here and not seen Maureen.  Thankfully, being with classmates, old bosses and life long friends has done so much to restore me.  The void that her passing left in my heart will likely never be completely filled but I take comfort in knowing there are so many others who care and love me just as much as she did.  She can never be replaced in my heart but she doesn't have to be.  My heart is growing to allow others into that space that she once occupied.   And that is a very good thing.

To all of my friends, old and new, here and there, I love you and I thank God for you.  Your presence in my life fills me.  My cup runneth over.

Feels like home to me

Chantel Kreviazuk sings a beautiful song about finding love.  What sticks with me is the refrain:
"It feels like home to me...like I'm all the way the back where I come from...like I'm all the way back where I belong."

And that is what I am feeling right now, as I sit in a Starbucks in Southern California.  Its really warm outside but the heat is very familiar and somewhat comforting.  For the next 6 days, I am home.  Home with my parents, home with old classmates, home with friends.  I never thought that being here would bring my heart so much joy but it has.

When I landed in Ontario on Thursday morning, I was met by my beautiful friend, Ester.  It was the warmest smile and best hug any person could have gotten when out of their comfort zone.  Over the next 5 hours, we hung out, chatted like lifelong friends and I found that "home" feeling with her.  I met her thru her husband, whom I have known since high school.  He and I have been good friends over the years and Ester was his wife.  For a long time, that was who she was to me.  Not for any reason other than Renato was my friend and she was his wife.  After Maureen's passing, she stepped up and extended her hand to me, in love and friendship.  What I have received from that moment has blessed me profoundly.  Ester is an honest, sincere, devout Christian woman.  She speaks honestly yet with such grace and integrity.  I know any advice I receive from her will be a reflection of God's will, as she lives her life to be accountable to God.  I admire her faith and walk. 

She brought me to my parent's home.  They weren't expecting me so it was a pleasant surprise.  In looking at them, I realize how limited my time with them is.  Dad has slowed considerably over the past few years.  I fear he will not be around much longer.  Most days he sits, talking about pains and aches and there is nothing I can do about it but listen and love him.  He is weak and feeble, no longer the tower of strength I once knew but I love him still.   Mom, on the other hand, hasn't changed a bit.  She is a fireball who works tirelessly morning to night.  She is up at the crack of dawn, cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of dad and their dog, Becky.  She does not stop and I am sometimes exhausted just from watching her.  Becky, their dog, is 7 and sick.  She is skin and bones, refusing to eat.  She is mom's life.  I fear that if she dies, mom will also, but from a broken heart.  I am praying very hard that death will not grace my doorstep for a long time. 

Over the next few days, I will be meeting with grade school friends, work friends and life long friends in general.  I am excited!  Some people I haven't seen in many years, some just last year.  Regardless, seeing everyone will give the shot in the arm I so desperately need right now.  While we have all aged, our history together is the solid foundation that I stand on.  In some cases, we go back to first grade.  I know these people and they know me.  They are my "home" in so many ways.
 
Even as I write this, I have gotten messages from people I haven't seen in a long time asking to get together.  I am so humbled that people still want to see me.  I moved to WA 9 1/2 years ago yet people here still like me enough to want to see me.  Its such a blessing, especially for a girl who has always felt insignificant.  Until recently, I didn't think my life mattered.  I am beginning to understand that it does, thru trips like these and thru my deepening relationship with my Savior.

I am happy to be here.  And on Thursday, I will be happy to go home again - to my comfort zone, my routine, my friends, my dog, my life, inconsequential as it sometimes seems.  I find much consolation in knowing that home is not a place but a feeling - of joy, of love, of contentment.  And right now, at this moment, I really am home.

Walls

I'm stealing this from a website I read recently.  I thought it was good enough to share.  Or at least be a reminder to myself.  

What Walls Are You Hiding Behind?
Cliff Young

"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect."
— Ronald Reagan

We seem to have become a more public society in a very private way.  We have placed ourselves and our identities out into social networks, yet we conceal ourselves with user and screen names, firewalls and private barriers.

This age of technology has emboldened us to speak out in ways we would never consider face-to-face, through e-mails and blog sites, yet hide our true emotions behind the walls we have built around who we truly are...

Archaeologists and historians have found walls dating back thousands of years that are still standing in the same position they were built, mostly for self-preservation and the defense of property.  Here's how Globalsecurity.org explains the protective measures and "walls" built around the Green Zone, the common name of a 10-square-kilometer area in Central Baghdad, which is the center of the Coalition Provisional Authority:

The Green Zone is defended with coils of razor wire, chain-link fences, earthen berms and armed checkpoints. The area is defended by M1 Abrams tanks, Bradley fighting vehicles and HUMVEEs with .50 caliber machine guns on top. The Green Zone appears under siege, with barriers, high concrete walls and checkpoints. US officials are rarely visible outside it and rules for British personnel bar them from leaving it unless accompanied by four bodyguards and an armored vehicle.

Clearly, anyone near the Green Zone can see the defensive measures put in place for protection of property and personnel; however, many of us have built similar and oftentimes impenetrable walls and defenses around ourselves, which can't be readily seen, nor easily dismantled.  They can be an innate introverted personality or a perimeter fence of shyness, self-destructive measures to combat fear or a fortified impassable barrier around our hearts from years of emotional scarring.

Many of us have lived with these protective measures in place for so long we have become accustomed to and comfortable residing behind them.  They have become part of our life and who we are, and then we question why we can't get closer to people or experience a fuller, more joyful life.

These types of barriers are rarely constructed over night, but rather built over time.  With each disappointment we go through, wrong done against us, and regret we carry with us, another stone is placed in our wall.  Over time we don't even notice how high or fortified our walls have become. 

When a breach in our defenses occurs or an area of vulnerability is discovered, we reconstruct our walls taller and stronger to ensure our safety from future "attacks."


I am not immune to the "emotional" wall-building industry, very few are.  I have constructed some sturdy yet hidden walls to protect myself from being hurt.  I have questioned, "How did I allow myself to get hurt again?"  I tell myself, "I won't let that happen again."  My solution—I close myself in and don't allow those feelings to be exposed.  I place another couple of courses of brick in place, I don't make myself as vulnerable, and I quit taking risks.

However, over time (and many lonely days and nights), I have learned hurt and pain comes with living and the key to wall demolition is accepting that disappointments will happen, branching out of my comfort (or Green) zone into uncomfortable situations, praying for and forgiving those who hurt me, and seeking God's greater purpose behind those hurts (becoming closer to him, growing as a person, learning how to be more Christlike, learning to accept others, discovering a person or type of person isn't right for me, having proper expectations, etc.).

When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly (1 Corinthians 4:12-13).

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).

Growing as a follower of Christ is not reacting like the world reacts to situations—with anger, vindication, and vengeance.  It means living like Jesus lived—with compassion, grace, love, hope, forgiveness and concern for others.  It also means learning from the pain you experience to grow, in yourself and closer to him.

I discovered if I stop "living" (and putting myself out), I may be able to reduce the hurt I encounter; however I will not live a life worthy of my calling as a Christian.  I will not experience the life God has called me to live. (Ephesians 4:1)

Jesus taught this lesson in the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.  The landowner gave a number of talents to three of his servants.  Two of the servants doubled the amount of talents they were given by putting the money to work, while one buried and hid the talent he was entrusted to.  When the landowner returned he admonished the "lazy" servant who did nothing.

For whatever reason you find yourself hiding behind your wall—fear, past disappointment, insecurity, etc—begin the process of tearing down those walls by asking God to help you to forgive yourself, forgive others for what they may have done to you, remove the load you have been carrying, give you strength and fortitude to step out into new situations, and live a life worthy of the calling you were given.

We are all imperfect and fallible.  Life is too short to hide behind our walls, carry undue burdens, harbor ill feelings toward others or not utilize the gifts and talents we were given.

The walls we have constructed to "keep people out" are the same walls that "keep us in." 

Begin your journey of experiencing God's best for your life today by living it outside of your walls, outside of the constraints you have put on yourself and outside where others can experience the true beauty God has created in you.

My wall

When is "enough" enough?

The current series we're discussing at church for the next several months is called "R U 4 Me?"  It explores whether or not we are living our lives for God.

Today's talk asks us to identify what we are doing, if anything.  With so many charities and needs in this world, its hard to choose.  And then to know that what we do is enough.  Will it ever be enough?  I am an emergency placement foster parent.  I take in lost dogs and track down their owners.  I tithe.  I have been on missions trips.  I contribute to the mail carrier's annual food drive.  I donate to the Humane society.  I never say "No thanks" to a kid selling discount cards for school or a church bake sale.  My ways are small but they are what I do.  What more can I do?  Why don't I do more?  Is there a fine line between enough and too much?

I have 3 dreams - to volunteer at an animal rehab center in Alaska, to work at an orphanage in Peru and to be married and raise a family in a healthy and loving home.  These are all of my dreams but they may never come to pass.  I am frustrated by the thought that I have to relinquish those to the greater will of God who already has my life planned out.  Its so hard to sit in a place of waiting, putting my life in His hands and believing that His will is being done in me this very minute.  

#3 - Being a woman of my... uh, maturity, I have to face the reality that having children of my own grows dim with each passing year.  Yes, anything is possible with God but I would rather not be 80 when my first born graduates from high school.   Never mind the fact that I am single and there are no stable prospects on the horizon.  So I have been toying with the idea of adopting a child.   The problem that I have with that is my belief that every child has the right to be raised by healthy, loving parents (plural) of the opposite sex.  Yes, a man and a woman.  I could NOT teach a boy how to be a man of God, no matter how hard I tried.  So, the adoption option is on hold.   

#2 - Eagle's Nest is an orphanage in Limatambo, Peru.  Our group visited it on the way to Macchu Pichu last year and I fell in love with it.  Eagle's Nest is a school where kids from miles away walk to daily as well as a home for homeless, abandoned Peruvian children.  The video below is a class that sang to us.  The little girl in the picture above is Lisbeth, a 7 year old girl who was found in a shanty in Lima taking care of her 8 month old sister.  Being there did so much to rock my world and I haven't been able to forget that place or that face.
Shortly after I returned from my trip, I was faced with the possibility of losing my job to budget cuts and I would be out of work.  I promised God that if that was His will then I would return to Limatambo and work at that orphanage.  Well, my job was spared and I am still in WA.  Strike 2.

#3 - my plan is to take the summer off from work and go to Alaska to volunteer at an animal sanctuary,  scooping moose poop, feeding fawn and doing whatever needs to be done.  Its not possible at the moment as I have a dog with separation anxiety issues and I'm not sure she could handle me being gone for that long.  As it is, whenever I leave on a trip, she refuses to eat for the first few days.  Eventually, her hunger gets the best of her but my house sitters all say the same thing - she mopes the entire time.  I can justify leaving my 15 year old baby for a week or two but that's it.  I know my time with her is limited though and I will sacrifice this for the love and adoration of my best friend, Missy.

So here I sit, wondering what God wants from me, yet again.  Am I doing enough? Do small acts of charity and kindness count?  Or are we called to take giant leaps of faith, abandon everything and follow Him, no matter where the road lead?

"You live among the least of these - the weary and the weak.  And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away...  Use my hands, use my feet to make your kingdom come to the corners of the earth until your work is done." - Leeland

The Answer

So, I'm working through some stuff lately, right?  As a result of 2 years of Living Waters and my time with Maureen, I'm realizing just how much darkness and sin is in the world.  And it scares me.  With the kind of work I do, I read about all of the stuff that happens to people and most of it is not good.  In fact, I sometimes have nightmares about the damage people inflict on one another.

There is a scene in the movie "Ghost" that paints it pretty clearly for me.  Its at the end when Sam faces Karl, the best friend who brought about his death.  His greed for power and money killed Sam.  After Karl is killed and his ghost is face to face with Sam, the darkness that was in Karl's heart comes alive and creeps up on him.  The scene where Karl is captured then dragged into the black by the moaning, groaning shadows has become my image of the sin and death that plague this earth.

I hate Satan.  I hate that he has enough power to tempt good people to do bad things.  I hate that children and animals fall prey to some sick and broken people.  I hate that he tries to get into my head and tell me that I am not worth loving, that I am not thin enough or good enough for anyone.  I hate that he thinks he is better than God.  he has no love in his heart, only greed and jealousy and anger.

When I talked with my counselor today, I mentioned my last blog, about all of the hate that coursed through me as a result of my time with Maureen.  I am supposed to be preparing to say goodbye to her when I go to CA in a few weeks but I am too busy being angry at her right now.  I also told her about the image of darkness I now have and how I want God to save the world from it.  I was afraid.  I think it scared her a little.  She extended her hand to me to pull me out of the darkness that was, at that moment, twisting my thoughts and causing chaos in my head.  The anger and hatred I have been feeling lately was being used against me, to slowly and subtly drag me into the shadows.  You see, if we are to be like our Father, we are to love, to forgive and to give mercy.  I've been so blinded by my feelings that I was losing sight of that.  Her fear was that I would become bitter and his prey.

A very dear friend of mine recently blogged about how critical or judgmental people can be and that she was going to counter that by being more loving, more like Jesus.  What a beautiful thought.

Love.  That is the answer.  Jesus loved everyone He met.  He loved the sinners even more.  And that's what we are called to do because God is love.  I know I won't be perfect right off the bat but I will try and try again.  And if I keep singing about love then maybe my heart will soften enough to say good bye to Maureen when the time is right.

Can you spare some change?

Its hard to believe that we are already in September and fall is right around the corner.  I typically love this time of year.  It signals restoration as the leaves begin to change color and trees and plants become dormant for the winter.  Its a slow dying process we are allowed to witness as mother nature brings to a close another beautiful year.   Fall is so symbolic of the stages we go through in life which is one of the many reasons I love it.  Plus, you really can't beat the colors of Autumn.

As I look ahead to what is in store for this fall, I can't help but be sad to remember two things it represents: Maureen's birthday and pumpkin spice lattes.  The first downer is obvious.  The second is also a tie in to my best friend.  You see, every year when Starbucks brings back their PSL, Maureen and I would arrange to have a coffee date - to share our first PSL for the year and to reconnect with each other. Its a tradition I used to look forward to. 

I was at the pharmacy two weeks ago when I heard the pharmacist talking about PSLs and how Starbucks was already making them.  I couldn't help but be sad as they represent more than just a latte.   They stood for a time honored tradition, friendship and connection.  It will be different this year and I am not sure I am ready for the change. 

My friend Katie was kind enough to remember this tradition the last time we talked.  She asked if I had had a PSL yet.  I can't bring myself to do it just yet.  She offered to have one with me, which just melted my heart.  A part of me feels like I might betray Maureen if I were to do this but I was encouraged to do so in her memory.  Even as I write it, that sounds strange - in her memory.   It brings tears to my eyes as denial is eroding and I slowly grasp reality:

My best friend died.

Cancer robbed her of her life and me of my best friend and I hate it!  I HATE Cancer and all of the destruction it does to people's lives.  I hate that I had to watch her come apart in my hands while I was with her.  I hate that the chemo wreaked havoc on her body and all I could do was watch as the burning in her stomach caused her to cry out for 8 hours, vomiting into a bowl in my hands.  I hate that I could do NOTHING but cry and hold her hand as she suffered.  Even as I washed her hair, I hated that my hair was long and beautiful as I picked her short, damaged strands from my hands, trying not to let her see.  And selfishly, I hate that I was with her during her chemo treatment - as she bled out thru her IV, as she began to pass out because her oxygen tank was empty, as she urinated all over herself and the floor because the amount of liquid her body was taking in was too much to hold back, as I wheeled her in and out of the treatment room, as I watched her struggle to move to the bathroom or the scale.  Secretly, I prayed for God to get me the hell out of there.  I couldn't take it and didn't want to.  I could not watch her die.  As much as I hate to admit it, that is exactly what it was and I hate that I had to be a witness.

Now, my memories of her are from this time.  I struggle to remember who she was before that time and its a nightmare and a curse.  But, while I was at my parent's house, I found a picture I had taken of her during out freshman year.  She looked so young and innocent, completely unaware of what lie ahead.  I keep that picture in my bedroom, on the dresser to remind me of what was and of all that has happened since.  So much has changed since we were freshman, myself included.  This reminds me that the only constant in life is change and there is nothing I can do about it. 

Eminem's song "Not Afraid" begins with the words, "I guess I had to go to that place to get to this place."  I can relate to that on so many levels but especially because of what I went thru with Maureen.  I believe I had to go through that process in order to bring change in me.  I believe God is growing me up to be a mostly whole and healed adult.  I believe God uses trials to prove to me that He is with me and will deliver me.  I believe God used my time with Maureen to teach me new truths about myself, about life and about Him.  I can't heal on my own.  I can't depend on my own strength go get thru this time.  All I can do is rely on Him, allow Him to change me and praise Him in the process.

"Praise is ... a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead... The outcome is neither our responsibility nor our goal. Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality and integrity of God ... and that never changes."

My hope is that my time spent with Maureen will be changed from the horrific experience that it was to the absolute knowledge that that time was a precious gift.  As my heart begins to heal,  I pray that God will help me see how He was present during those painful 5 days, comforting both Maureen and me.  I pray that the anger and hatred of that situation will be fully replaced by the love I had for her and have for Him.  And I pray that the changes that will take place in me will be a reflection of His glory and His mercy.

Beagles and Labs

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat--and a Voice beat
 More instant than the Feet--
 "All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."
The Hound of Heaven - Francis Thompson

I am actually stealing this part of the above poem from this morning's sermon which resonates in me.  The full poem, dialect aside, is quite beautiful.

I grew up hearing the parables of the prodigal son and the lost sheep but never considered myself to be either of them.  In my mind, those were just fables, not real examples of the unending love and pursuit of our Creator.  Over the past few years, however, it was ME who was being pursued.  Like a Lab that chases after a stick or a beagle following his nose, Jesus has been on my trail, following closely, hoping one day to return me to my owner.

Strangely enough, I don't remember getting lost.  All I remember is that I somehow wandered into a dark tunnel and no matter how many directions I walked, I could never find the light or a way out.  As sheep who mindlessly wander off, it's not until faced with predators that they realize they are in trouble and alone.  In some ways, I was also the prodigal son who had lost his (or her) way prior to approaching his father for his share of the inheritance.  Had he truly been in his right mind, I doubt he would have left, but who knows for sure.  How many times did I approach my Father and demand my inheritance, only to turn my back on Him for ways I was sure were better than His.  In trying to do things my way, I became immersed in fear - fear of the dark, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of loss.  There was no room for trust in my life, much less faith.  The resulting cycle was quite a paradox - desperate for relationships yet trusting no one. Fearing everything yet losing faith in anything.  Its like the battle to lose weight - when I'm depressed, I eat.  When I eat, I gain weight.  When I gain weight, I get depressed.  Its an endless cycle. And the farther away from Him I strayed, the more destitute I became.  

One particular session with my counselor comes to my mind.  I talked with her about being afraid.  The worst part of my situation was the constant sound of footsteps following me.  With the darkness both in front of and behind me, I became even more afraid:  afraid of the unknown monsters that lie in wait ahead and afraid of the footsteps that were closing in on me.  It was as if, in my mind, they were the echoing footsteps of Jack the Ripper and my heart pounded anxiously in my chest as I tried to outrun his insatiable desire for murder.  Stop running, my counselor said.  No way!  He's coming to get me, I'm afraid.  Stop running and face it.  I remember sobbing, my body shaking as I pictured my self stopping in my tracks, breathless and resigned to meet certain doom.  I could hear my counselor praying as the stranger of my mind slowly approached me, bringing light with Him.  Soon, standing before me was the beautiful face of my Jesus whose brilliant garments brightening the dark space behind Him.  When He extended His hand to me, I saw the darkness that I had left behind run away.  With a touch of His hand, He brought me out of the tunnel.  He wiped my tears and comforted me as I was finally able to breathe.  Like the curtains of the temple that tore on the day He died on the cross, the clouds that hung over my head had been parted and I was able to see the sun again.  That was a very good day and has been ever since.

Currently, I walk through a valley of darkness.  When I look ahead, I see ominous dark clouds above the mountains that tell me winter is coming and with it, cold, dark, stormy days of solitude and long nights filled with thunder, lightening and winds that beat against my house.  Yes, winter is coming but I will not fear for I don't walk alone.  He is my protector, my comforter, my shield.  With Him, I am able to overcome anything.  And when the clouds break and I have passed from a long winter into spring, when I have walked thru the valley and crested the adjacent mountain, I will emerge. And I will be so much better for having gone through it.

Praise be the relentless pursuit of God, our Father.      

"Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?  "Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest, I am He Whom thou seekest!  Thou drawest love from thee, who drawest Me.""

The Agony of Defeat

Since Maureen's death, I have been an emotional mess.  I feel lost and easily confused.  I have become forgetful as well.  Its a strange place to be.  I know the sun rises and sets in the same places every day but that seems to be the only thing I am sure of lately.  Even my faith seems to wane.  I believe in God but I wonder if He hears me.  Has He forgotten me?  Has He turned his back on me?  Has He heard me call out to Him?  I wish I could be certain of my life but I am not certain of much right now.

Today, I drove down to Seattle with my friend Susan, leaving my car at her house.   We were meeting mutual friends who are also her neighbors at Safeco field for a Mariner's game.  I would ride home with them as she was planning to spend the rest of the weekend in Seattle with her new love interest.  After the game and half way home, I thought to look for my car keys.  They were nowhere to be found.  My heart sank as I realize I did not have my only set of keys and hoped they were in Susan's car.  To make matters worse, I didn't have a way into my own house.  Thankfully, my neighbors have a spare key so I can at least be in my comfort zone.

Its Saturday night and I am home, watching Kung Fu Panda and beating myself up for this current predicament.  There is no grace or mercy for me right now.  And I add this to the running list of issues that bring me down: close friends moving away, single friends meeting their matches, other friends having babies.  It feels as if there is little hope left for me.  Nothing to look forward to.  So many issues, so much sadness.  I think I've taken up residence in the state of Depression.  Whereas, things like these never seemed to bother me before, they are affecting me now. 

It's times like this when my only option is to admit defeat.  To fall on my knees, lift up my hands and shout, "I surrender!"  I am not sure how much more I can take and going it alone has gotten me nowhere.  But the idea of surrender makes me feel weak and helpless.  That despite my best efforts, I have lost the battle and failed miserably.   

One of the greatest lines in Kung Fu Panda belongs to the very wise Oogwey:  "The panda will never fulfill his destiny nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control." It speaks to me because I  try hard to control so many aspects in my life.   But the truth is I am not in control, He is.  And my job is to submit to Him.  To believe otherwise is an illusion.  I tell myself these lies to bring comfort or security.  In the end, however, it only makes things worse.  I know that surrender is not weakness.  Admitting defeat is not the same as failing.  And I am not alone.  No matter how hard times may get, no matter how dark the days become, this is a season in my life and I do not walk thru it alone.

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not fear.  For you are with me."  This I know.

I'm Fine. How are you?

Everyone has pet peeves.  My latest one is when you ask someone "How are you?" and their immediate response is, "I'm fine!  How are you?" without even taking the time to think about the question.  Yes, I'm guilty of it too but I'm working on it.  Why do we do that?  Is it too hard to be honest and say "I'm not doing so good today."?  Have we as a society gotten to the point where we're too busy to care about each other?  Or do we try really, really hard to keep others at arm's length?

In the beginning, God created man and woman.  He created them to bond with Him and with each other.  But sin shattered that bond and relationships have never been the same.  Its probably safe to assume that since that time, people have searched for a way to bond with each other and with God.
Why is bonding so hard?  Revealing your inner most self to a person can't be that bad, can it?

Actually, the idea of being completely vulnerable to another is scary.  I have a good friend who is being pursued by a Christian man.  Not pursued in the stalking sense but in the way that is right - with time, honesty and transparency.  And rather than throwing herself into this one, she is allowing her heart to be pursued.  And it scares the stuffing out of her.  Like me, she has done all of the work in her relationships, doing what it takes to keep them going.  She is learning, however, to let him take the reins and it is a good thing.

Being vulnerable means allowing someone to see all of you, not just the happy face we paint on our masks then hide behind.  Not just the "I'm fine" mentality.  Vulnerability is real, raw, honest.  Its about showing the one person who loves and accepts us who we really are, without make up or masks.  If its done in a healthy way, its possible to show sadness, anger, frustration and disappointment.  Its the kind of relationship God wants to have with us.

I am surprised at the way grief has taken over me recently.  It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, when I need to cry there is no stopping it, no matter how hard I try.  Last night, I was in yoga class when I was overcome with sadness.  I was in a pose when I started to cry and couldn't stop.  I cleaned up my spot and apologized to my wonderful teacher who comforted me with a hug.  Later, I met a friend for wine and chat time and was able to share my grief experience with her.  My friend said it was good that I felt comfortable enough to let my emotions flow.  I hadn't considered that but it was true.  Yoga teacher Katie is among the most compassionate, caring people I know and I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of her.  I like that.

I believe life is about seasons and each of us must pass through winter to get to spring.  I believe God uses events in our lives to teach us how to feel with an open heart, to love like Him, forgive unconditionally and give grace and mercy to those who need it.  I believe we were created to feel in the same way our Lord felt every emotion during His short time on earth.  These are the things that make us human, that bring us together and allow us to relate to each other.  If we can put down our guards and be real with each other, the sky will still be blue (unless you're in L.A), babies laughter will still be among the most beautiful sounds and flowers will bloom in their time.  In other words, what do we have to lose?  The only thing that will change will be us and it would be a very good thing.

In the meantime, I will continue to sit in this valley of darkness, with Jesus beside me, knowing that it serves a purpose and that spring is only a few months away.  And I will be fine.  

Healing a child - part 2

Last Thursday, I was asked if I would take a 7year old boy for two weeks respite.  Unfortunately, issues at work wouldn't allow that but I did agree to take him for 4 days.  So, he came to live with me thru Monday.  What I thought would be an innocent time turned out to be a series of triggers and lessons learned.
When this little boy showed up at my house, he had the biggest smile on his face and talked non-stop.  I was a little overwhelmed as he made himself at home.  But it was ok because he seemed good with being here.  I have to admit that I am always apprehensive when I get a child.  Mostly, I fear they won't like me (the people pleaser in me) or something will go horribly wrong and I won't know what to do (the controller in me).  But as the hours passed, I found I could relax around him and just be what he needed - a caring, responsible adult.  And the fact that he was in bed at 8pm made it so much easier.
Sleeping almost 12 hours does something to a kid, especially one that consumes a bottle of apple juice before going to bed.  Yep, he had had an accident.  I could tell he was nervous about telling me but I assured him it was ok, stripped the bed and washed the sheets.  We hung out with friends for a little while in the morning then went to the fair in the evening.  Him, being 7, he wanted everything in sight.  Me, being a single "parent", said "No" a whole lot.  But he rode the rides he wanted and got the food he liked so it was a good day.
Saturday was a  lazy day and we didn't do much.  One thing I try to do consistently with the kids I get is bake then take our baked goods into my work so the kids have some positive exposure to police officers.  Being an emergency placement parent means receiving kids that have just been removed from their homes and taken from their parents.  The officers that have this responsibility endure anger/drama by the parents and fear/tears from the kids.  Its a hard position to be in.  By taking in cookies, the kids see the human side of the officers and not the law enforcement side.  So, we baked cookies then took them in to a very appreciative crowd.  He beamed with pride as he passed out cookies like they were $100 bills, receiving a lot of praise along the way.  We then hit the park, got groceries then headed back home to watch Cars, play board games and have dinner.  This was a good day.
Sunday started out with church.   Well, I went to church and he went to the play area of church where he got to hang out with other kids and be a kid just like them.  It was later that evening when things started to fall apart with this little guy and he wasn't able to keep up his charade anymore.  He suffers from encopresis = soiling.  Unfortunately, I didn't do any research ahead of time and was unprepared for his accident.  I'm afraid I reacted in a way that brought out the worst in  him.  I didn't yell but I was frustrated that he gave no indication that he needed to go, not realizing he isn't capable of knowing.  My reaction made him very angry, to the point of yelling.  That shook me.  I felt like I was no longer in control and I didn't know what to do so I left him in his room and walked away, trying to calm myself down.  It was a horrible feeling and I didn't like it at all.  After just about a minute, he came out and apologized.  I explained that it wasn't ok to yell and that his behavior wasn't appropriate.  I also told him I was angry with him because of it and needed time to get over it.  The rest of the night was strained and he went to bed, leaving me alone to process.
Its funny the things that come up when a trigger is hit.  After he went to sleep, I remembered being in first grade and having an accident while in church.  I remember being embarrassed in front of my classmates and being teased.  I also remember getting into trouble for it when I got home and the whole thing made me feel small.  I was 7 years old.  I don't think I will ever forget mom's reaction or how bad it made me feel.  As I crawled into bed Sunday night, I asked God to forgive me for being so angry with him and to help him, too.  There is no reason why a 7 year old should react so strongly even when bearing such perceived shame.
Monday, I returned him to his social worker only to find out later that evening that they had no place for him.  I can't imagine being 7 and knowing no one wants you which is something he does know.  He is in his 3rd placement because the last one "didn't want me because I pooped my pants".  I am ashamed to admit I am among them.  Having come from a very abusive home where his accidents were shoved in his face and he was called names, he is deeply scarred and troubled.  My heart aches for him as I know he will spend his life feeling lost and angry, lashing out at anyone who gets close to him, never fully trusting anyone.  For so long, I was him and for similar reasons (not encopresis).  Rather than stepping up and taking him back, I ran from him, knowing I couldn't take any more.  It was too close to home, too familiar.
Tonight, as I write this, I wonder where he is and if he is ok.  I pray he will find parents who will love him when he is placed for permanent adoption.  I hope he will go back to school and just be a kid who plays and makes friends and lives life.  But the reality is he will struggle, probably be a loner and have much sadness in his life.  I know this scenario all too well.  I feel like I failed him.  Perhaps I had a chance to redeem my younger self by saving him but reality doesn't work that way and all I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray...