A funny thing happened on the way to growing up

Its late and I'm tired.  But, I needed to write tonight because today was a day worth noting. Why?

First, because it has been six months since Kathleen was found hanging in her bedroom.
Second, because there are 60 days left before I marry Joe and begin a new life adventure.
Last and most important, because I realize that I have finally come into my own.

Last Saturday, I flew to CA with the goal of returning to WA with mom four days later. The situation I was in while at my sister's house was indescribable but, for the first time in a very long while, I felt like a grown up. I could see with such clarity things that I had never seen before.

Growing up, I admired my sister. She was beautiful, smart, popular and mom's favorite. I wanted so much to be like her, mainly so I could have mom's attention but also to feel like I was visible and significant. I struggled with those longings for years. It wasn't until I began to see the fissures behind Mary's facade that I realized how I am much better off being me. I have gone through a lot over the years. With God's grace and prudent counsel, I was able to get out of the muck and mire and figure out who I am and who I was created to be. Sadly, I don't think my sister has a clue. Being there, I could see how hard she tries to control everything around her by appealing to sympathies of others or through the shock-value effect ("wanna see Kathleen's room" "wanna see my wound").  It seems very strange to me that something that was so devastating could be considered a main attraction.

I initially thought that my jealousy was clouding my judgment and mercies but that wasn't the case. I was finally seeing who Mary had become as a result of living an unhealthy physical, mental and emotional life.  She is a broken woman who surrounds herself with stuff to help her feel safe. She has 15 cuckoo clocks that would drive a sane person mad. Even with her heart condition, she continues to abuse her body, refusing to take care of herself. For some unknown reason, she has a death wish. Why else would any person have so little regard for their own well being? I don't get it.

Even more remarkable than this is my relationship with my mother. Granted, she has only been here for 5 days but I am enjoying her company. Finding out all that she has had to endure while living with sister makes me angry and want to protect her. I don't want her to go back to CA. I don't want her to be unhappy as she has been. I want to her to live out her life in peace which she won't have there.  My concern is for her but for no other reason than I love her and want her to be happy. As I admit this to myself, I see how all of my insecurities and feelings about my childhood are gone. The child has been loved and healed and has grown into the adult. Me. A grown up.

As mom and I spend time together, I am at peace with her.  My longing for her attention has disappeared. My sadness in knowing she would never see "me" is gone. My desire to have her love has been realized. She loves me. It may not have been what I wanted years ago but it is here now. "Good night, my love" she says to me every night before bed. I sigh. I am her love. And always will be.

Kathleen's death

Mom called at 6:30 with the news - Kathleen was gone.  She had no details other than to say she was found in her room.  I was in shock. I am in shock. I can't believe that she is gone.  

My heart breaks for her mother, my sister, who was closest to her.  She was her friend and confidant. No two could be closer. I can't imagine how broken my sister must feel. It kills me to think about.

My heart breaks for her father, my brother in law, who loved her so much. He was her hero. She was his buddy. They had traveled to different states together just to ride roller coasters. 

My heart breaks for her grandmother, my mom who sits helpless in her wheel chair, unable to do anything. She is a powerless woman made more powerless by this situation which she couldn't control.

My heart breaks for my niece, her sister, who is now an only child. No two could be more opposite yet love each other still. 

Mostly, my heart aches unbearably for Kathleen who saw no way out of whatever predicament she was in. She was just 20 years old.  So wise yet so innocent, so free yet so tormented. What could have driven her to take her own life? It makes no sense. There was no note. There were no clues. There will not be any peace to come by this. So many questions and second guesses yet no answers. Only devastation and confusion left in the wake.