It has been a while since I've had the chance to sit in my favorite coffee shop to surf the web and watch the world go by downtown Bellingham. I've missed this!
There seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now and that is TRUST. I struggle daily with trusting others and the thought of meeting a man and trusting him with my heart scares the beejeezus out of me. Do I want to live alone forever? No. But the idea of permanently allowing someone into my life is even more intimidating than being single. Rock - ME - Hard place.
Since I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, I haven't gone to church. Well, I went today and guess what the sermon was about. Yep, trust. Its funny that this was the topic after all of the other Sundays that I missed. I think God is trying to tell me something. I wonder what that is...
I'm 5 weeks into year 3 of Living Waters and it is going ok so far. I missed one lesson due to my illness. And to be quite honest, I'm not really looking forward to this year. But, I know I need it and it will be a good thing. Rather than drop out and take a year off, I have to trust that God will do His best work thru LW and will help me work through my trust issues. I have to trust my leaders and know they will speak God's truth into my life. This will be especially challenging for me as I was expecting to be in a different group where I know God would have spoken to me. And I have to trust the women in my group, to know they won't look down on me or judge me as I share my hurts or issues. I pray we bond as I know I would be more open if we did. Time will tell.
Of one thing I am certain, I will be happy to see this year come to an end in a few short months. It has been one filled with challenges and pain so I will happily celebrate the coming of a new and better year. And I trust it will be a good year, 2011. I think it will be one of my best and I look forward to it.
Happy Halloween 2010!
Sun setting In Cuzco, Peru
October 31, 2010
October 20, 2010
I depend on...
All Beyonce fans know how the song goes - "I depend on me." If there was a song that fit me to a T, this would be it. I have learned over many years and tears that people fail you, disappointment is inevitable and no one can be counted on. I became independent a long time ago, after being constantly let down by my parents. Sad to say but true.
The people I allow into my life have to pass many tests in order to get past my walls of steel. After that, there is a a moat filled with alligators, a rickety drawbridge and a complex labyrinth. I am well protected and it would an act of Congress to get to my heart. Few people have and even some of them have let me down.
I have been angry because of this. A person who I let in let me down. And it hurt to the point where I was angry with her and would not talk to her. I am working on this - on grace - but it is a constant effort. I know NO ONE is perfect but I want them to be if they are in my heart. And that is where I fail myself.
A good friend recently asked me this question - do I put more trust in people than in God? The answer is yes, shamefully so. I hold people in high regard to the point of worshiping them. I am a lowly woman who is not worthy of the great people that surround me. And in putting them on pedestals, I allow them to fail me, maybe so I have a reason to keep them from getting too close. I believe this is called reverse psychology. This is where Dr Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?" Not so well.
I have many options but the one I will put my effort into will be to trust my Creator and Lord. I can depend on Him to be there for me and never let me down. My constant prayer has been "His will, not mine". I will add, "because I trust Him." Maybe by repeating this prayer, I will learn to have more trust in general and my maze can finally be dismantled. God is capable of anything. It's me I question.
The people I allow into my life have to pass many tests in order to get past my walls of steel. After that, there is a a moat filled with alligators, a rickety drawbridge and a complex labyrinth. I am well protected and it would an act of Congress to get to my heart. Few people have and even some of them have let me down.
I have been angry because of this. A person who I let in let me down. And it hurt to the point where I was angry with her and would not talk to her. I am working on this - on grace - but it is a constant effort. I know NO ONE is perfect but I want them to be if they are in my heart. And that is where I fail myself.
A good friend recently asked me this question - do I put more trust in people than in God? The answer is yes, shamefully so. I hold people in high regard to the point of worshiping them. I am a lowly woman who is not worthy of the great people that surround me. And in putting them on pedestals, I allow them to fail me, maybe so I have a reason to keep them from getting too close. I believe this is called reverse psychology. This is where Dr Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?" Not so well.
I have many options but the one I will put my effort into will be to trust my Creator and Lord. I can depend on Him to be there for me and never let me down. My constant prayer has been "His will, not mine". I will add, "because I trust Him." Maybe by repeating this prayer, I will learn to have more trust in general and my maze can finally be dismantled. God is capable of anything. It's me I question.
October 14, 2010
Knights vs Cowboys
As I stood in line at the airport today, I was struck by the number of men who pushed their way in front of me to get ahead. We all eventually got on the plane but not one of them offered to let me go first. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I was surprised as the lack of chivalry. Is it dead?
This is a question that has been asked for many years by women who hope the answer is "No". In fact, I know it still exists. While I was at my grade school reunion last weekend, one of my classmates and long time friend, Matt, showed me this by opening my doors, letting me go ahead of him into a room, etc. His wife is a lucky lady. I just hope she knows how lucky.
Paula Cole asks, "Where have all the cowboys gone?" I'm not looking for that Knight in Shining Armor who rides up with his Happily Ever After. I am not a damsel in distress in need of being rescued. I don't need to ride off into the sunset. That is all make believe, created by an industry that thrives on fantasy. Its not real.
The way I see it, men are confused. And who could blame them? Back in the 60s and 70s, the women's revolution demanded equal treatment from men. I'm sure there was a purpose for "women's lib" but have we, as a whole, taken it too far? Men are constantly assaulted by mixed messages. We want them to be soft. We don't need them to protect us. We don't need them to provide for us. We don't need them to have children. Even TV portrays men as buffoons who, without their smarter counterparts, would fail at even getting out of bed. They can't live without women. They can't think without women. They can't function without women. What have we done???
The truth is, God created each gender for a specific reason, primarily to be a reflection of His duality. In other words, man was created to be an example of the protector and provider that God is. Woman is the gentle, more loving side of Him. A union of the two, in healthy balance, should replicate our Creator. People, being sinful and selfish, have lost sight of this and really muddied the waters. If you look around, you will likely see a generation or two of really confused people. Women who want to dress like, act like, be like men and men who desire to emulate women. I'm frightened to think of what our future holds if we continue on this path. Will we become a nation of hermaphrodites? Will the M or F check boxes be replaced by the generic A = androgyny.
I pray for the day when we return to our original roles but its a fight we have to be willing to make. I, for one, don't want to live in a world where men aren't allowed to be men and vice versa. It took me too long to get comfortable with who God created me to be. Now that I'm here, I plan to stay.
This is a question that has been asked for many years by women who hope the answer is "No". In fact, I know it still exists. While I was at my grade school reunion last weekend, one of my classmates and long time friend, Matt, showed me this by opening my doors, letting me go ahead of him into a room, etc. His wife is a lucky lady. I just hope she knows how lucky.
Paula Cole asks, "Where have all the cowboys gone?" I'm not looking for that Knight in Shining Armor who rides up with his Happily Ever After. I am not a damsel in distress in need of being rescued. I don't need to ride off into the sunset. That is all make believe, created by an industry that thrives on fantasy. Its not real.
The way I see it, men are confused. And who could blame them? Back in the 60s and 70s, the women's revolution demanded equal treatment from men. I'm sure there was a purpose for "women's lib" but have we, as a whole, taken it too far? Men are constantly assaulted by mixed messages. We want them to be soft. We don't need them to protect us. We don't need them to provide for us. We don't need them to have children. Even TV portrays men as buffoons who, without their smarter counterparts, would fail at even getting out of bed. They can't live without women. They can't think without women. They can't function without women. What have we done???
The truth is, God created each gender for a specific reason, primarily to be a reflection of His duality. In other words, man was created to be an example of the protector and provider that God is. Woman is the gentle, more loving side of Him. A union of the two, in healthy balance, should replicate our Creator. People, being sinful and selfish, have lost sight of this and really muddied the waters. If you look around, you will likely see a generation or two of really confused people. Women who want to dress like, act like, be like men and men who desire to emulate women. I'm frightened to think of what our future holds if we continue on this path. Will we become a nation of hermaphrodites? Will the M or F check boxes be replaced by the generic A = androgyny.
I pray for the day when we return to our original roles but its a fight we have to be willing to make. I, for one, don't want to live in a world where men aren't allowed to be men and vice versa. It took me too long to get comfortable with who God created me to be. Now that I'm here, I plan to stay.
October 10, 2010
Fearing Fear
Matthew 6:25 - "Do not be anxious for your life, what you shall eat, or what you shall drink, nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?”
Philippians 4:6 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
You've probably guessed what this entry will be about. And you would be right but its not fear I'm struggling with lately but anxiety which is the fruit of fear. (In August, I went to see my doctor who decided it was best to put me on anti-depressants as I was not coping with Maureen's death in a healthy way. In fact, there was a lot of darkness beginning to envelop me so I'm happily medicated.) For some reason, I am having trouble falling asleep at night. I will get my second wind around 7 and carry that into bed until after 11. That's not good for a girl who wants sleep, needs sleep, loves sleep.
The obvious guess is that the drugs are affecting me but I am afraid to change them as I feel I have stabilized and can cope. Next thought is that I am worried. With my CA trip behind me, the worry over being liked and accepted by old friends is over. There was no judgment, no fat jokes at my expense, nothing negative. Only loving reunions. So what's bugging me???
9/27 marked the beginning of another year of Living Waters. To be honest, I am not looking forward to participating. There are fewer familiar, friendly faces and my counselor has decided not to lead a group ever again even though she assured me I would be in her group. That was a huge disappointment. And with the struggles I experienced in last year's group, I admit I'm a little concerned about what God will stir up this time. But I know one thing is certain- stir, He will.
While I had hoped that all of my issues had been resolved over the previous two years, I know better as I begin to realize others, such as possible commitment issues, hero worship and a lack of compassion for the dependent. These are a few of the things that were pointed out to me while I was in CA. So, what do these have in common? What is their root? My guess is FEAR.
I fear trusting a man with my heart as I have been hurt too many times to count. So, I look for heroic qualities, hoping he will save me from myself, protect me from harm and give me the confidence and security I so deeply desire. Anything less than a hero would be considered weak in my opinion, incapable of taking care of even himself.
So, here I sit in my favorite coffee shop, envying every couple I know, wishing for relationship but knowing only how to repel. What does this mean? It means that my views are still skewed and I need another year of Living Waters. God, help me.
In the meantime, I will continue to dream about the day Dean Cain shows up at my front door and flies me off into the sunset. Ah.
Philippians 4:6 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
You've probably guessed what this entry will be about. And you would be right but its not fear I'm struggling with lately but anxiety which is the fruit of fear. (In August, I went to see my doctor who decided it was best to put me on anti-depressants as I was not coping with Maureen's death in a healthy way. In fact, there was a lot of darkness beginning to envelop me so I'm happily medicated.) For some reason, I am having trouble falling asleep at night. I will get my second wind around 7 and carry that into bed until after 11. That's not good for a girl who wants sleep, needs sleep, loves sleep.
The obvious guess is that the drugs are affecting me but I am afraid to change them as I feel I have stabilized and can cope. Next thought is that I am worried. With my CA trip behind me, the worry over being liked and accepted by old friends is over. There was no judgment, no fat jokes at my expense, nothing negative. Only loving reunions. So what's bugging me???
9/27 marked the beginning of another year of Living Waters. To be honest, I am not looking forward to participating. There are fewer familiar, friendly faces and my counselor has decided not to lead a group ever again even though she assured me I would be in her group. That was a huge disappointment. And with the struggles I experienced in last year's group, I admit I'm a little concerned about what God will stir up this time. But I know one thing is certain- stir, He will.
While I had hoped that all of my issues had been resolved over the previous two years, I know better as I begin to realize others, such as possible commitment issues, hero worship and a lack of compassion for the dependent. These are a few of the things that were pointed out to me while I was in CA. So, what do these have in common? What is their root? My guess is FEAR.
I fear trusting a man with my heart as I have been hurt too many times to count. So, I look for heroic qualities, hoping he will save me from myself, protect me from harm and give me the confidence and security I so deeply desire. Anything less than a hero would be considered weak in my opinion, incapable of taking care of even himself.
So, here I sit in my favorite coffee shop, envying every couple I know, wishing for relationship but knowing only how to repel. What does this mean? It means that my views are still skewed and I need another year of Living Waters. God, help me.
October 4, 2010
All You Need is ...
Love is all you need.
The Beatles were spot on with this song. It doesn't matter if its the love of family, friends or a significant other, love is like oxygen - we need it to live.
Over the past few days, I've come to realize how important love is as I spend time with people I have know for many years. Friends. My time with them has been precious. We've laughed, shared, reminisced, exposed our flaws and I even cried once. The one thing that was consistent with each friend were the words "I Love You". When our time together had ended, we would hug and say those words to each other. Genuine and sincere, thankful for the few hours we were given.
While I have always been hesitant to use those term, I now know that there is NO better time to let my friends know that I am honored and blessed to have them in my life. Friendship is a gift freely given. It cost nothing yet is priceless. I am rich beyond measure to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I came to CA last week dreading my visit because it is the first time I have come here and not seen Maureen. Thankfully, being with classmates, old bosses and life long friends has done so much to restore me. The void that her passing left in my heart will likely never be completely filled but I take comfort in knowing there are so many others who care and love me just as much as she did. She can never be replaced in my heart but she doesn't have to be. My heart is growing to allow others into that space that she once occupied. And that is a very good thing.
To all of my friends, old and new, here and there, I love you and I thank God for you. Your presence in my life fills me. My cup runneth over.
The Beatles were spot on with this song. It doesn't matter if its the love of family, friends or a significant other, love is like oxygen - we need it to live.
Over the past few days, I've come to realize how important love is as I spend time with people I have know for many years. Friends. My time with them has been precious. We've laughed, shared, reminisced, exposed our flaws and I even cried once. The one thing that was consistent with each friend were the words "I Love You". When our time together had ended, we would hug and say those words to each other. Genuine and sincere, thankful for the few hours we were given.
While I have always been hesitant to use those term, I now know that there is NO better time to let my friends know that I am honored and blessed to have them in my life. Friendship is a gift freely given. It cost nothing yet is priceless. I am rich beyond measure to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I came to CA last week dreading my visit because it is the first time I have come here and not seen Maureen. Thankfully, being with classmates, old bosses and life long friends has done so much to restore me. The void that her passing left in my heart will likely never be completely filled but I take comfort in knowing there are so many others who care and love me just as much as she did. She can never be replaced in my heart but she doesn't have to be. My heart is growing to allow others into that space that she once occupied. And that is a very good thing.
To all of my friends, old and new, here and there, I love you and I thank God for you. Your presence in my life fills me. My cup runneth over.
October 1, 2010
Feels like home to me
Chantel Kreviazuk sings a beautiful song about finding love. What sticks with me is the refrain:
"It feels like home to me...like I'm all the way the back where I come from...like I'm all the way back where I belong."
And that is what I am feeling right now, as I sit in a Starbucks in Southern California. Its really warm outside but the heat is very familiar and somewhat comforting. For the next 6 days, I am home. Home with my parents, home with old classmates, home with friends. I never thought that being here would bring my heart so much joy but it has.
When I landed in Ontario on Thursday morning, I was met by my beautiful friend, Ester. It was the warmest smile and best hug any person could have gotten when out of their comfort zone. Over the next 5 hours, we hung out, chatted like lifelong friends and I found that "home" feeling with her. I met her thru her husband, whom I have known since high school. He and I have been good friends over the years and Ester was his wife. For a long time, that was who she was to me. Not for any reason other than Renato was my friend and she was his wife. After Maureen's passing, she stepped up and extended her hand to me, in love and friendship. What I have received from that moment has blessed me profoundly. Ester is an honest, sincere, devout Christian woman. She speaks honestly yet with such grace and integrity. I know any advice I receive from her will be a reflection of God's will, as she lives her life to be accountable to God. I admire her faith and walk.
She brought me to my parent's home. They weren't expecting me so it was a pleasant surprise. In looking at them, I realize how limited my time with them is. Dad has slowed considerably over the past few years. I fear he will not be around much longer. Most days he sits, talking about pains and aches and there is nothing I can do about it but listen and love him. He is weak and feeble, no longer the tower of strength I once knew but I love him still. Mom, on the other hand, hasn't changed a bit. She is a fireball who works tirelessly morning to night. She is up at the crack of dawn, cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of dad and their dog, Becky. She does not stop and I am sometimes exhausted just from watching her. Becky, their dog, is 7 and sick. She is skin and bones, refusing to eat. She is mom's life. I fear that if she dies, mom will also, but from a broken heart. I am praying very hard that death will not grace my doorstep for a long time.
Over the next few days, I will be meeting with grade school friends, work friends and life long friends in general. I am excited! Some people I haven't seen in many years, some just last year. Regardless, seeing everyone will give the shot in the arm I so desperately need right now. While we have all aged, our history together is the solid foundation that I stand on. In some cases, we go back to first grade. I know these people and they know me. They are my "home" in so many ways.
Even as I write this, I have gotten messages from people I haven't seen in a long time asking to get together. I am so humbled that people still want to see me. I moved to WA 9 1/2 years ago yet people here still like me enough to want to see me. Its such a blessing, especially for a girl who has always felt insignificant. Until recently, I didn't think my life mattered. I am beginning to understand that it does, thru trips like these and thru my deepening relationship with my Savior.
I am happy to be here. And on Thursday, I will be happy to go home again - to my comfort zone, my routine, my friends, my dog, my life, inconsequential as it sometimes seems. I find much consolation in knowing that home is not a place but a feeling - of joy, of love, of contentment. And right now, at this moment, I really am home.
"It feels like home to me...like I'm all the way the back where I come from...like I'm all the way back where I belong."
And that is what I am feeling right now, as I sit in a Starbucks in Southern California. Its really warm outside but the heat is very familiar and somewhat comforting. For the next 6 days, I am home. Home with my parents, home with old classmates, home with friends. I never thought that being here would bring my heart so much joy but it has.
When I landed in Ontario on Thursday morning, I was met by my beautiful friend, Ester. It was the warmest smile and best hug any person could have gotten when out of their comfort zone. Over the next 5 hours, we hung out, chatted like lifelong friends and I found that "home" feeling with her. I met her thru her husband, whom I have known since high school. He and I have been good friends over the years and Ester was his wife. For a long time, that was who she was to me. Not for any reason other than Renato was my friend and she was his wife. After Maureen's passing, she stepped up and extended her hand to me, in love and friendship. What I have received from that moment has blessed me profoundly. Ester is an honest, sincere, devout Christian woman. She speaks honestly yet with such grace and integrity. I know any advice I receive from her will be a reflection of God's will, as she lives her life to be accountable to God. I admire her faith and walk.
She brought me to my parent's home. They weren't expecting me so it was a pleasant surprise. In looking at them, I realize how limited my time with them is. Dad has slowed considerably over the past few years. I fear he will not be around much longer. Most days he sits, talking about pains and aches and there is nothing I can do about it but listen and love him. He is weak and feeble, no longer the tower of strength I once knew but I love him still. Mom, on the other hand, hasn't changed a bit. She is a fireball who works tirelessly morning to night. She is up at the crack of dawn, cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of dad and their dog, Becky. She does not stop and I am sometimes exhausted just from watching her. Becky, their dog, is 7 and sick. She is skin and bones, refusing to eat. She is mom's life. I fear that if she dies, mom will also, but from a broken heart. I am praying very hard that death will not grace my doorstep for a long time.
Over the next few days, I will be meeting with grade school friends, work friends and life long friends in general. I am excited! Some people I haven't seen in many years, some just last year. Regardless, seeing everyone will give the shot in the arm I so desperately need right now. While we have all aged, our history together is the solid foundation that I stand on. In some cases, we go back to first grade. I know these people and they know me. They are my "home" in so many ways.
Even as I write this, I have gotten messages from people I haven't seen in a long time asking to get together. I am so humbled that people still want to see me. I moved to WA 9 1/2 years ago yet people here still like me enough to want to see me. Its such a blessing, especially for a girl who has always felt insignificant. Until recently, I didn't think my life mattered. I am beginning to understand that it does, thru trips like these and thru my deepening relationship with my Savior.
I am happy to be here. And on Thursday, I will be happy to go home again - to my comfort zone, my routine, my friends, my dog, my life, inconsequential as it sometimes seems. I find much consolation in knowing that home is not a place but a feeling - of joy, of love, of contentment. And right now, at this moment, I really am home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)