Learning to Fly

As I hung up the phone tonight, after talking with my mom, the Tom Petty song with the same title went thru my head.  Its a song that's probably more about being high than anything else but it still resonates in my head.

Tonight's talk with mom was a good reminder of how far I've come.  You see, even though I leave for Ireland in less than 36 hours, I withheld telling my parents of my trip until tonight.  In the past, whenever I wanted to do something, I was made to feel guilty about it.  For example, I would be told that I should spend my vacation time with family, not take a vacation on my own.  Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I would be called selfish or get guilt over the amount of money I'd spend or the lack of concern for them.  Doing things for myself was never encouraged so I learned to withhold information until that wasn't an option.  Sometimes, I would even do things and tell no one just so word wouldn't get back to them.  It was a matter of survival in a way - hide the truth or face consequences.

Its sad to think that I lived that way but I had to.  So, tonight as I talked with mom, I found the nerve to tell her I would be on vacation for 2 weeks.  Her first question was did I have enough time to take.  Then came how much it cost and why would I want to go.  In a gentle way, I said, "Be happy for me."  That softened the edges and our conversation turned to her fears.  I know she is a very frightened woman and somewhere inside her is an even more frightened little girl who is afraid of everything.  She credits me for having the courage to live alone, travel and live my life my way.  The truth is that not so long ago, I was the same way - too afraid to sleep in the dark or travel or live alone.  I was afraid of my own shadow.  But, with the healing work that I've been doing thru counseling and Living waters, I have found freedom.  I'm learning to fly and it feels good.