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| Rock of Cashel |
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| St Mary's Cathedral |
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| Thatched roof house in Adare |
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| The Gap of Dunloe |
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| Knock Shrine |
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| City of Cobh and St Colman's Church |
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| Kylemore Abbey |
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| Dublin |
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| Cliffs of Moher |
Sun setting In Cuzco, Peru
August 14, 2011
Remembering Ireland
August 13, 2011
Finding Answers in the Emerald Isle
It all started in January...
I had had a rough year last year and needed to shake things up a bit. I needed to remember how to enjoy life again as I was losing sight of that. Or at least it seemed that way. I needed to change things up. Maureen always told me that a change of scenery helps so I looked into taking a trip to anywhere but here. I google'd "single", "Female" and "travel" and found several websites, one of which was a Catholic dating site. What did I have to lose?
A woman I'd never met or even heard of named Tracy was planning an organized group trip for single Catholic adults to Ireland. While it was never on my bucket list, something about this trip appealed to me. Tracy and I traded numerous Emails over the course of a week, mostly her answering my questions and quelling my doubts/fears. By February 1, I took that first step and sent in a payment. I had committed to it and was going to Ireland in July.
Time flies, that is true but even more so when a big deal like this is on the horizon. 5 months passed in a blink and before I knew it, I was packing to leave. Loose ends were tied at work and home and after my usual travel-anxiety filled sleepless night, I was on a plane heading east. Way east.
When I landed in Dublin, I expected to see a group of people waiting for me as I exited the terminal. No one was there. Apparently, all international flights flew into terminal 2 except mine. I was in T1.
Thankfully, I had Tracy's phone # with me and called her. Otherwise, I might still be in T1 waiting for someone to pick me up. I found them waiting and breathed a sigh of relief. I had arrived.
The days that ensued were a blur of places and faces. We lived on a tour bus with a driver named Con, traveling from place to place, eating and sleeping on the bus = our new home. I don't remember how many hotels we slept in but there was a new one just about every day. I believe we touched 9 counties in 10 days or maybe it was 10 counties in 9 days. Again, its all a blur. Even now that I've had time to sit back and remember, I don't. All I can say is we saw some amazing things and beautiful places.
When I am asked what I liked best about my trip, the answer is always the people. The Irish people were great but the tour people were better. Much of our time was spent getting to know each other and laughing about everything or nothing at all. I loved that we were able to spend time with each other, forming friendships that will last a lifetime. While we started out knowing so little about each person, there was a sense of familiarity and comfort as we shared our first mass together. It was a bonding denominator for me.
The most remarkable thing about my trip is that it was the answer to my prayers. During the darkest times of last year, I called out to God, desperate to be heard, angry and confused. He had taken Maureen and Missy and I felt so incredibly alone. "Do you need to take everything I love to know that I love you first?" I can't count the number of times I cried out that statement, as if I were being punished for loving at all. "Fine! Your will, not mine!", I'd reply begrudgingly. As His love and mercy softened my heart, I began to understand that He needed to call Maureen and Missy home. It is only recently that I realize He did this so that I would be free to do other things, like go to Ireland. I would never have gone if they were still in my life. And I would have missed out on meeting so many amazing, incredible, beautiful, familiar, similar people. I lost my best friends but in succumbing to God's will, I gained 37 new ones. He saw my need and grew my family. Wow.
Yet again, I am humbled by His mercy, wisdom and knowledge that my pain would pass and better days were ahead. He knew I would laugh again and find joy in my days. He knew what needed to be done in order to unfold His plan for my life. Whether its through a text message, Email or an IM from my new friends, I am reminded that God is faithful and true. And I am never alone. Praise God!
I had had a rough year last year and needed to shake things up a bit. I needed to remember how to enjoy life again as I was losing sight of that. Or at least it seemed that way. I needed to change things up. Maureen always told me that a change of scenery helps so I looked into taking a trip to anywhere but here. I google'd "single", "Female" and "travel" and found several websites, one of which was a Catholic dating site. What did I have to lose?
A woman I'd never met or even heard of named Tracy was planning an organized group trip for single Catholic adults to Ireland. While it was never on my bucket list, something about this trip appealed to me. Tracy and I traded numerous Emails over the course of a week, mostly her answering my questions and quelling my doubts/fears. By February 1, I took that first step and sent in a payment. I had committed to it and was going to Ireland in July.
Time flies, that is true but even more so when a big deal like this is on the horizon. 5 months passed in a blink and before I knew it, I was packing to leave. Loose ends were tied at work and home and after my usual travel-anxiety filled sleepless night, I was on a plane heading east. Way east.
When I landed in Dublin, I expected to see a group of people waiting for me as I exited the terminal. No one was there. Apparently, all international flights flew into terminal 2 except mine. I was in T1.
Thankfully, I had Tracy's phone # with me and called her. Otherwise, I might still be in T1 waiting for someone to pick me up. I found them waiting and breathed a sigh of relief. I had arrived.
The days that ensued were a blur of places and faces. We lived on a tour bus with a driver named Con, traveling from place to place, eating and sleeping on the bus = our new home. I don't remember how many hotels we slept in but there was a new one just about every day. I believe we touched 9 counties in 10 days or maybe it was 10 counties in 9 days. Again, its all a blur. Even now that I've had time to sit back and remember, I don't. All I can say is we saw some amazing things and beautiful places.
When I am asked what I liked best about my trip, the answer is always the people. The Irish people were great but the tour people were better. Much of our time was spent getting to know each other and laughing about everything or nothing at all. I loved that we were able to spend time with each other, forming friendships that will last a lifetime. While we started out knowing so little about each person, there was a sense of familiarity and comfort as we shared our first mass together. It was a bonding denominator for me.
The most remarkable thing about my trip is that it was the answer to my prayers. During the darkest times of last year, I called out to God, desperate to be heard, angry and confused. He had taken Maureen and Missy and I felt so incredibly alone. "Do you need to take everything I love to know that I love you first?" I can't count the number of times I cried out that statement, as if I were being punished for loving at all. "Fine! Your will, not mine!", I'd reply begrudgingly. As His love and mercy softened my heart, I began to understand that He needed to call Maureen and Missy home. It is only recently that I realize He did this so that I would be free to do other things, like go to Ireland. I would never have gone if they were still in my life. And I would have missed out on meeting so many amazing, incredible, beautiful, familiar, similar people. I lost my best friends but in succumbing to God's will, I gained 37 new ones. He saw my need and grew my family. Wow.
Yet again, I am humbled by His mercy, wisdom and knowledge that my pain would pass and better days were ahead. He knew I would laugh again and find joy in my days. He knew what needed to be done in order to unfold His plan for my life. Whether its through a text message, Email or an IM from my new friends, I am reminded that God is faithful and true. And I am never alone. Praise God!
July 17, 2011
Learning to Fly
As I hung up the phone tonight, after talking with my mom, the Tom Petty song with the same title went thru my head. Its a song that's probably more about being high than anything else but it still resonates in my head.
Tonight's talk with mom was a good reminder of how far I've come. You see, even though I leave for Ireland in less than 36 hours, I withheld telling my parents of my trip until tonight. In the past, whenever I wanted to do something, I was made to feel guilty about it. For example, I would be told that I should spend my vacation time with family, not take a vacation on my own. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I would be called selfish or get guilt over the amount of money I'd spend or the lack of concern for them. Doing things for myself was never encouraged so I learned to withhold information until that wasn't an option. Sometimes, I would even do things and tell no one just so word wouldn't get back to them. It was a matter of survival in a way - hide the truth or face consequences.
Its sad to think that I lived that way but I had to. So, tonight as I talked with mom, I found the nerve to tell her I would be on vacation for 2 weeks. Her first question was did I have enough time to take. Then came how much it cost and why would I want to go. In a gentle way, I said, "Be happy for me." That softened the edges and our conversation turned to her fears. I know she is a very frightened woman and somewhere inside her is an even more frightened little girl who is afraid of everything. She credits me for having the courage to live alone, travel and live my life my way. The truth is that not so long ago, I was the same way - too afraid to sleep in the dark or travel or live alone. I was afraid of my own shadow. But, with the healing work that I've been doing thru counseling and Living waters, I have found freedom. I'm learning to fly and it feels good.
Tonight's talk with mom was a good reminder of how far I've come. You see, even though I leave for Ireland in less than 36 hours, I withheld telling my parents of my trip until tonight. In the past, whenever I wanted to do something, I was made to feel guilty about it. For example, I would be told that I should spend my vacation time with family, not take a vacation on my own. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I would be called selfish or get guilt over the amount of money I'd spend or the lack of concern for them. Doing things for myself was never encouraged so I learned to withhold information until that wasn't an option. Sometimes, I would even do things and tell no one just so word wouldn't get back to them. It was a matter of survival in a way - hide the truth or face consequences.
Its sad to think that I lived that way but I had to. So, tonight as I talked with mom, I found the nerve to tell her I would be on vacation for 2 weeks. Her first question was did I have enough time to take. Then came how much it cost and why would I want to go. In a gentle way, I said, "Be happy for me." That softened the edges and our conversation turned to her fears. I know she is a very frightened woman and somewhere inside her is an even more frightened little girl who is afraid of everything. She credits me for having the courage to live alone, travel and live my life my way. The truth is that not so long ago, I was the same way - too afraid to sleep in the dark or travel or live alone. I was afraid of my own shadow. But, with the healing work that I've been doing thru counseling and Living waters, I have found freedom. I'm learning to fly and it feels good.
July 9, 2011
Growth spurts
Just when I thought I couldn't grow any more, God feeds me Miracle Grow and tells me I have yet to bloom.
It was on this date last year when Maureen died. Its hard to believe that but I'm not sure what's hard about it - that she is gone, that I made it through a year with my heart still in tact or that life goes on despite the sadness. Life is a funny thing. There is pain, joy, struggle, strife, birth and death. And through it all or even in spite of it, the world never stops turning, plants never stop growing, the sun never stops shining.
Ironically, Bellingham holds its Relay for Life this weekend. I walk in it every year as I have done for 10 years. Last year, I walked before I found out she had gone to heaven so I was unaffected by it during my walk. That was not the case this year.
I decided to attend the opening ceremony and cheer on the survivors I barely made it past the singing of Amazing Grace when I started to cry tears that refused to stop. It had been a while since I've cried that much. Maybe it was time to let go of the sadness. Or maybe it was time to realize the truth. Perhaps it was a little of both, sprinkled with loneliness for the loss of my soul sister and a pinch of regret. Maybe I was crying because of all of the people who survived knowing Maureen was not one of them. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart hurt and I could not contain it and needed to leave.
A few hours later, I returned to Relay to walk my allotted hour. As much as I dreaded it, it turned out to be a good thing. I t gave me time to think, to pray and to heal. I sat next to the luminaries that I made for Maureen and talked with her. I told her how much I missed her and how sad I was that she was gone. Sitting there, I found comfort in knowing she knew this and was with me in spirit. It felt good, peaceful. I know I will always miss her and will even continue to shed tears but she is in heaven, no longer being ravaged by cancer. That is a very good thing.
Looking back on this, I now realize that Maureen's passing is a stepping stone on a path that I must walk. I am learning to love & forgive unconditionally, to grieve, to let go and to smile again, in spite of it all. Preparation for what's to come? Maybe. Or maybe its all just part of growing a grown up.
"Death is not the end. It is merely a path that all must take." - Gandalf
It was on this date last year when Maureen died. Its hard to believe that but I'm not sure what's hard about it - that she is gone, that I made it through a year with my heart still in tact or that life goes on despite the sadness. Life is a funny thing. There is pain, joy, struggle, strife, birth and death. And through it all or even in spite of it, the world never stops turning, plants never stop growing, the sun never stops shining.
Ironically, Bellingham holds its Relay for Life this weekend. I walk in it every year as I have done for 10 years. Last year, I walked before I found out she had gone to heaven so I was unaffected by it during my walk. That was not the case this year.
I decided to attend the opening ceremony and cheer on the survivors I barely made it past the singing of Amazing Grace when I started to cry tears that refused to stop. It had been a while since I've cried that much. Maybe it was time to let go of the sadness. Or maybe it was time to realize the truth. Perhaps it was a little of both, sprinkled with loneliness for the loss of my soul sister and a pinch of regret. Maybe I was crying because of all of the people who survived knowing Maureen was not one of them. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that my heart hurt and I could not contain it and needed to leave.
A few hours later, I returned to Relay to walk my allotted hour. As much as I dreaded it, it turned out to be a good thing. I t gave me time to think, to pray and to heal. I sat next to the luminaries that I made for Maureen and talked with her. I told her how much I missed her and how sad I was that she was gone. Sitting there, I found comfort in knowing she knew this and was with me in spirit. It felt good, peaceful. I know I will always miss her and will even continue to shed tears but she is in heaven, no longer being ravaged by cancer. That is a very good thing.
Looking back on this, I now realize that Maureen's passing is a stepping stone on a path that I must walk. I am learning to love & forgive unconditionally, to grieve, to let go and to smile again, in spite of it all. Preparation for what's to come? Maybe. Or maybe its all just part of growing a grown up.
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