Love is Patient

I've heard it said that whatever you send out to the universe will be returned to you.  Written by a man, this so eloquently speaks to my wants and since I know a few married men who emulate this, I am hopeful.  That being said, I am sending this article to the universe with the caveat that "he" would be perfect for me, when the time is right.   ; )        

What a Man Brings to Marriage

We often focus on what we will get out of a marriage relationship:  Is this person my soul mate?  Does she speak to me?  Does she affirm me?  Do her strengths compliment me?  And so forth. 

Perhaps it's time to start focusing on what we men can bring to a marriage relationship and to start working on these areas right now in our lives, so that we will have something to bring to the table (a man's dowry, if you will) before making a lifelong commitment.

"It is painful, being a man, to have to assert the privilege, or the burden, which Christianity lays upon my own sex.  I am crushingly aware of how inadequate most of us are, on our actual and historical individualities, to fill the place prepared for us."
-- C.S. Lewis from God in the Dock


As men, we are expected (by society) to be cool, dress fashionably, make a lot of money, drive a sports car, have chiseled looks, and have it all together in order to be "marriage material."  As Christians, we are to be God-fearing, prayerful, seminary scholars on the path to eldership within our church.  Since most of us fall short of these so-called expectations, what can we do to bring the most to our marriages and where do we start?  We can begin by delving deep into the following passage.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).


How did Christ actually love the church?  Simply put, through sacrificial and sanctifying love.

Sacrificial Love


As a single adult, the term sacrificial is not at the forefront of my thoughts.  My day usually revolves around me, my needs, my wants and my desires.  However, for me to prepare to be the best husband I can be, I must begin now to incorporate sacrificial thinking into my daily life. 


Jesus so loved the church that he gave himself up for her through his death.  If we are to love our wives someday as Christ loved the church, we must be prepared to die to ourselves in many ways that are a part of our everyday lives.  As two people become one, individual freedom, time and desires should be replaced with (or at least negotiated) with marital goals, obligations and activities.


Persecution of the church caused pain deep within Jesus' soul as indicated by His response to Saul.  Christ chose to suffer with His bride; husbands must be willing to share in the struggles of theirs.  It is not only a commitment, but also a sign of love.  Her problems, disappointments and losses become yours; mine and hers become ours.

I don't know what it will be like to be married someday, but after all of my years of living single, I recognize that I will need to die to myself in many areas of my life, be prepared to share in both the triumphs and the struggles of my wife, and pray fervently for and with my future mate.


Sanctifying Love
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word (Ephesians 5:25-26).

Marriage under Christ is a relationship that will bring two individuals closer to Him and cause both to change for the better, making each more holy.  It is the responsibility of the man within a marriage to help lead the couple closer to holiness, towards sanctification.
The head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Today, we have a mixed message of what true leadership is.  Is a leader someone who scores a basket or a touchdown and beats his chest drawing attention to himself?  Is a leader a politician who uses their position not to serve but to self-serve?  Was Adam, our first male role model, a leader by following his wife into sin instead of standing up for what he knew was wrong?
The movie We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson, depicted the life of Lt Col Hal Moore during his service in the Vietnam War.  His motto was, "We will all come home together."  His men fought for and alongside him so diligently because he led with integrity, by example, and with love.  That is true leadership.
To be that kind of leader, who leads a marriage closer to sanctification, we (men) must first place ourselves under the Lordship and authority of God.  Only through our relationship with Him can we learn how to live out His Word in our heart, exemplify His Word in our actions and follow His Word in how we love, which will all lead to holiness.

Lead with Integrity
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...till death do us part. 
-- Common wedding vows
With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, I often wonder what happens to these vows that are made when a couple says, "I do."  A wedding is one of the few times in life where a person makes a public vow in front of God and witnesses, and chooses to enter into a commitment of marriage based upon love, not feelings. 

• Love your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).
• Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you (Hebrew 13:5).
• Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony (Matthew 19:18).
• Keep the oaths you have made to the Lord (Matthew 5:33).

Leading with integrity in a marriage means memorizing and living out verses like these.  If we truly love God and love others according to Scripture, we will honor our commitments and God's commandments will live deep within our soul.  When we reach that point, we will lead our marriages with integrity, grow closer to God and to each other.

Lead by Example 
In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you.  You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people.  Let your lives shine brightly before them (Philippians 2:14-15).

When God returned to the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3:8-20), he called to Adam and asked, "Did you eat fruit from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?"  His response was not that of someone who was leading by example.  Adam's first words were, "You gave this woman to me..."  God calls us to take responsibility for our actions, confess our wrongdoing, and repent. 

Marriages need that kind of a leader, one who is willing to admit his wrong and one who is leading under the Lordship and guidance of the Lord.  Leading by example doesn't mean bringing attention to your achievements or telling others what they should be doing.  A husband can pray in solitude, help his wife without asking, spend time with the children, and show love to his wife through his actions.  Whether married or not, we can all lead by example.

Lead with Love 
Love is patient, love is kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.  It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).


I have heard these words spoken at almost every wedding ceremony that I have been a part of and I wonder if anyone really considers what this verse is saying.  Love is patient affects almost every other emotion or reaction in a relationship.

• A patient person is less likely to be jealous, boastful, proud or rude
• A patient person is probably less demanding
• A patient person is probably more forgiving and understanding.
• A patient person is more likely to listen first before reacting (and not react emotionally)
• A patient person is more likely to wait on God

If love is patient, then patience is probably one of the most important traits a leader can have, especially if he wants to lead with love.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it....In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies.  The man who loves his wife loves himself.  No one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it.  And that is what Christ does for the church (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).


Jesus' message for us is clear.  We are to love our (future) wives as He loved the church, in a sacrificial and sanctifying way; we are to love her like we love ourselves.  It seems simple enough and it can be if we learn to take our eyes off of us and our personal desires.  If we place our eyes on the Lord, we will learn to live more sacrificially with our lives, our time and our prayers.  As we do, our lives will become an example of integrity and love to others.  This is what we can bring to a marriage.

Can I validate you?

Unless you're in Seattle shopping, this isn't a question one hears very often.  But secretly, I think it is one many would like to be asked.  My answer would be "Yes, please and how."

It seems lately I have been so desperate for validation, confirmation that I'm ok.  Ever since the main source of validation left this earth, something has been obviously missing in my life.  Whenever I was weary, frantic, neurotic, anxious, doubtful or low, Maureen would always respond with, "Susie, you're ok."  And, somehow, just hearing that made me ok again.  And it wasn't that I was not ok but I needed to be reminded that I was.  Isn't that funny?  Its like wondering if I am loved or normal or alive.  Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Last week, I received a great gift - confirmation that I am loved and ok.  I continue to struggle with Maureen's passing and all of the unanswered questions I was left with.  I questioned...no, doubted her love for me.  I doubted our friendship.  I vented my anger toward her for leaving me when she promised we would grow old together and raise our children to be best friends.  I am ashamed to admit that I even regretted our friendship, mostly out of anger and self pity.  That is, until last Friday when I finally had a conversation with her sister, Melissa.  She told me Maureen loved me.  This was confirmed in me when she mentioned finding a box filled with pictures of us from over the years and mementos, letters, trinkets, etc.  Melissa was surprised to find this treasure chest but said, "You really were her best friend."  And that made everything in me better. 

When I asked about Maureen's last days of life, I was sad to hear that she was reluctant to contact me because she feared I was freaked out from my time with her.  That broke my heart.  While that time was incredibly challenging and humbling, it, in no way, diminished my love for her.  I was angry about other things that I had hoped we would discuss at a later time, which never came.  Now, I have to live with the knowledge that I refused to contact her out of anger and left her to pass believing that she had scared me off.  I refused to validate her worth in my life because I was angry.  And, for that, I am so, so sorry.

I have learned a lot over the past five months.  There is truth is the saying, "Never let the sun set on your anger."  It also goes without saying that we need to cherish the people in our lives while we have them and that life is short so love with all your heart.  We know we are all validated through our Lord and Savior but it never hurts to hear hat we are loved, valuable and cherished by others.  Don't wait for tomorrow to do it for it is promised to no one.

Solo under the Mistletoe

The holidays are creeping up on me and once again, I'm not ready.  I dread them, actually, because Hallmark makes cards for family, dogs, secretaries, retired people, "like a mom" but there's none for the single people of the world who endure endless commercials of "what will you give your loved one this Christmas?"

Normally, this time of year gets me down.  But this year, I am ready for it.  I've heard time and again about not judging books by their covers and that is what I am choosing to do.  For example, the woman in the commercials looks happy but does she really like that present that he got her?  Or will she go Drama Queen on him the minute the cameras stop rolling?  And he smiles at the sweater she got him but on the inside, I bet he's cringing at the thought of wearing orange stripes or pink polka dots. Or even the happy families you see walking in the streets could have screaming matches behind closed doors. 

Not everything is as it seems.  It may sound like I am going to relish in the agony of others but that is not the case.  This holiday season, I am going to count my blessings for my life because there are worse things than being single: being in an abusive relationship, being in a loveless relationship, being in Iraq, being homeless/jobless/friendless/hopeless/Saviorless. 

As I go through the process of replacing my windows, I am struck by how warm it is inside.  When I drive my car is a snowstorm, I am thankful for new tires and windshield wipers.  When I look in my closet, I am surprised at the number of shoes I have.  When Missy wanders the halls at night and I hear the tapping of nails on the wood floor, I am grateful she continues to stand guard over me.  When I open my cupboards, I am reminded of all of the packages of Oreos that I bought when they were on sale that I will use to bake treats for the friends I'm blessed to have.  When I look at my gym bag, I am thinking about my next sweat-fest and remembering the jeans I'm trying to get back into.  When I think of my best friend, I am thankful for good memories and even more thankful that she is in Heaven hanging out with Jesus.  When I look in the mirror, I can see a striking resemblance between my face and my heavenly Father's.

There are so many things to be thankful this year that the thought of being single pales in comparison. Besides, there is a time and place for everything with God and my time will come.  And right now, that's good enough for me.

Happy Holidays!!!

Desperately Seeking Inspiration

I wish I were blogging more but to be honest, I haven't had much to blog about.  I guess that's a good thing and I shouldn't complain. Mostly, it just feels like my life is boring.
I recently came across this article, however, and found it to be very inspirational.  All I have to add to it is a big AMEN!

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond:

In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life.

The goal is to grow in character, in being more like God, or in our case, Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.