Can you spare some change?

Its hard to believe that we are already in September and fall is right around the corner.  I typically love this time of year.  It signals restoration as the leaves begin to change color and trees and plants become dormant for the winter.  Its a slow dying process we are allowed to witness as mother nature brings to a close another beautiful year.   Fall is so symbolic of the stages we go through in life which is one of the many reasons I love it.  Plus, you really can't beat the colors of Autumn.

As I look ahead to what is in store for this fall, I can't help but be sad to remember two things it represents: Maureen's birthday and pumpkin spice lattes.  The first downer is obvious.  The second is also a tie in to my best friend.  You see, every year when Starbucks brings back their PSL, Maureen and I would arrange to have a coffee date - to share our first PSL for the year and to reconnect with each other. Its a tradition I used to look forward to. 

I was at the pharmacy two weeks ago when I heard the pharmacist talking about PSLs and how Starbucks was already making them.  I couldn't help but be sad as they represent more than just a latte.   They stood for a time honored tradition, friendship and connection.  It will be different this year and I am not sure I am ready for the change. 

My friend Katie was kind enough to remember this tradition the last time we talked.  She asked if I had had a PSL yet.  I can't bring myself to do it just yet.  She offered to have one with me, which just melted my heart.  A part of me feels like I might betray Maureen if I were to do this but I was encouraged to do so in her memory.  Even as I write it, that sounds strange - in her memory.   It brings tears to my eyes as denial is eroding and I slowly grasp reality:

My best friend died.

Cancer robbed her of her life and me of my best friend and I hate it!  I HATE Cancer and all of the destruction it does to people's lives.  I hate that I had to watch her come apart in my hands while I was with her.  I hate that the chemo wreaked havoc on her body and all I could do was watch as the burning in her stomach caused her to cry out for 8 hours, vomiting into a bowl in my hands.  I hate that I could do NOTHING but cry and hold her hand as she suffered.  Even as I washed her hair, I hated that my hair was long and beautiful as I picked her short, damaged strands from my hands, trying not to let her see.  And selfishly, I hate that I was with her during her chemo treatment - as she bled out thru her IV, as she began to pass out because her oxygen tank was empty, as she urinated all over herself and the floor because the amount of liquid her body was taking in was too much to hold back, as I wheeled her in and out of the treatment room, as I watched her struggle to move to the bathroom or the scale.  Secretly, I prayed for God to get me the hell out of there.  I couldn't take it and didn't want to.  I could not watch her die.  As much as I hate to admit it, that is exactly what it was and I hate that I had to be a witness.

Now, my memories of her are from this time.  I struggle to remember who she was before that time and its a nightmare and a curse.  But, while I was at my parent's house, I found a picture I had taken of her during out freshman year.  She looked so young and innocent, completely unaware of what lie ahead.  I keep that picture in my bedroom, on the dresser to remind me of what was and of all that has happened since.  So much has changed since we were freshman, myself included.  This reminds me that the only constant in life is change and there is nothing I can do about it. 

Eminem's song "Not Afraid" begins with the words, "I guess I had to go to that place to get to this place."  I can relate to that on so many levels but especially because of what I went thru with Maureen.  I believe I had to go through that process in order to bring change in me.  I believe God is growing me up to be a mostly whole and healed adult.  I believe God uses trials to prove to me that He is with me and will deliver me.  I believe God used my time with Maureen to teach me new truths about myself, about life and about Him.  I can't heal on my own.  I can't depend on my own strength go get thru this time.  All I can do is rely on Him, allow Him to change me and praise Him in the process.

"Praise is ... a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. Praise focuses on God, not the circumstance, and fixes its gaze upon God's truth and God's character instead of the trial at hand or just ahead... The outcome is neither our responsibility nor our goal. Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality and integrity of God ... and that never changes."

My hope is that my time spent with Maureen will be changed from the horrific experience that it was to the absolute knowledge that that time was a precious gift.  As my heart begins to heal,  I pray that God will help me see how He was present during those painful 5 days, comforting both Maureen and me.  I pray that the anger and hatred of that situation will be fully replaced by the love I had for her and have for Him.  And I pray that the changes that will take place in me will be a reflection of His glory and His mercy.