Beagles and Labs

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat--and a Voice beat
 More instant than the Feet--
 "All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."
The Hound of Heaven - Francis Thompson

I am actually stealing this part of the above poem from this morning's sermon which resonates in me.  The full poem, dialect aside, is quite beautiful.

I grew up hearing the parables of the prodigal son and the lost sheep but never considered myself to be either of them.  In my mind, those were just fables, not real examples of the unending love and pursuit of our Creator.  Over the past few years, however, it was ME who was being pursued.  Like a Lab that chases after a stick or a beagle following his nose, Jesus has been on my trail, following closely, hoping one day to return me to my owner.

Strangely enough, I don't remember getting lost.  All I remember is that I somehow wandered into a dark tunnel and no matter how many directions I walked, I could never find the light or a way out.  As sheep who mindlessly wander off, it's not until faced with predators that they realize they are in trouble and alone.  In some ways, I was also the prodigal son who had lost his (or her) way prior to approaching his father for his share of the inheritance.  Had he truly been in his right mind, I doubt he would have left, but who knows for sure.  How many times did I approach my Father and demand my inheritance, only to turn my back on Him for ways I was sure were better than His.  In trying to do things my way, I became immersed in fear - fear of the dark, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of loss.  There was no room for trust in my life, much less faith.  The resulting cycle was quite a paradox - desperate for relationships yet trusting no one. Fearing everything yet losing faith in anything.  Its like the battle to lose weight - when I'm depressed, I eat.  When I eat, I gain weight.  When I gain weight, I get depressed.  Its an endless cycle. And the farther away from Him I strayed, the more destitute I became.  

One particular session with my counselor comes to my mind.  I talked with her about being afraid.  The worst part of my situation was the constant sound of footsteps following me.  With the darkness both in front of and behind me, I became even more afraid:  afraid of the unknown monsters that lie in wait ahead and afraid of the footsteps that were closing in on me.  It was as if, in my mind, they were the echoing footsteps of Jack the Ripper and my heart pounded anxiously in my chest as I tried to outrun his insatiable desire for murder.  Stop running, my counselor said.  No way!  He's coming to get me, I'm afraid.  Stop running and face it.  I remember sobbing, my body shaking as I pictured my self stopping in my tracks, breathless and resigned to meet certain doom.  I could hear my counselor praying as the stranger of my mind slowly approached me, bringing light with Him.  Soon, standing before me was the beautiful face of my Jesus whose brilliant garments brightening the dark space behind Him.  When He extended His hand to me, I saw the darkness that I had left behind run away.  With a touch of His hand, He brought me out of the tunnel.  He wiped my tears and comforted me as I was finally able to breathe.  Like the curtains of the temple that tore on the day He died on the cross, the clouds that hung over my head had been parted and I was able to see the sun again.  That was a very good day and has been ever since.

Currently, I walk through a valley of darkness.  When I look ahead, I see ominous dark clouds above the mountains that tell me winter is coming and with it, cold, dark, stormy days of solitude and long nights filled with thunder, lightening and winds that beat against my house.  Yes, winter is coming but I will not fear for I don't walk alone.  He is my protector, my comforter, my shield.  With Him, I am able to overcome anything.  And when the clouds break and I have passed from a long winter into spring, when I have walked thru the valley and crested the adjacent mountain, I will emerge. And I will be so much better for having gone through it.

Praise be the relentless pursuit of God, our Father.      

"Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?  "Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest, I am He Whom thou seekest!  Thou drawest love from thee, who drawest Me.""