A breaking heart

In just a few short hours, I will do what I never imagined having to do, especially alone.  I will be laying my dog down to sleep for the last time.

Over the weekend, she had gotten sick and was weak.  As hard as it was to see her this way, it wasn't nearly as hard as it was to hear she had cancer and would soon die.  It is only a matter of time before her spleen ruptures as she is already bleeding internally.  I have cried more than I ever thought possible.  My heart broke as I was faced with the options - surgery or euthanize.  Surgery gives no guarantees short of a 25% chance of surviving.

I know the second option is truly the best.  And I realize how thankful I should be to have had her for 9 years but right now all I can do is cry and ask God to draw me very close to Him.

I can't imagine my life without Missy.  I don't want to go to bed tonight and not hear the tapping of her nails on the floor.  I don't want to look at her food bowl as it sits empty.  I will have to put away her blanket and bed and leash to keep me from looking for her.  I ache knowing I will never hike with her, hear her snore, watch her get sassy over wanting her treats or turn cookie time into a game of keep away.   

I've always been told that euthanizing a pet is the most selfless thing an owner can do for their animal.  But right now, I don't want to be selfless.  I want to yell at the vets and tell them they're crazy.  I want to scream, "She's fine! She can't leave me.  I can't lose another best friend.  Its not fair.  Missy can't die.  Its not her time. "

The other part of me hopes that Missy will leave on her terms.  That soon she will take her last breaths and pass quietly and peacefully, knowing I am sitting next to her, loving her.  But, the reality is that I will have to make that decision for her as I know she would never leave me.

I wrote her a letter, telling her I would be fine and thanking her for being such a good friend and protector.  I apologized for all the times I was short with her or didn't walk her when she needed it because I was too tired or lazy.  I told her I loved her.  I am telling her still.  And when the vet comes, I pray that, despite her deafness, she will hear me.

I will try to be strong but I am wrong to expect so much.

Good bye, my precious friend... until we meet again.