This and That

It has been two weeks since I've blogged.  Wow.  And while I have a lot to say about the past 2 weeks, I will only be able to give Reader's Digest versions or even just snippets to elaborate on later. 

Last Saturday, I hosted 2 college girls from Skagit.  They are attending a week long conference at my church which will teach them to become better disciples of Christ.  How could I say "no" to that?  This will be my 3rd year and I had high hopes for a wonderful experience.  You see, the 2 students that I hosted last year were amazing.  We bonded almost instantly and I loved having them in my home.  They were faith-filled, loving, giving Christian women who inspired me to be better, try harder, do more.  Unfortunately, that was not the case this year as the two students slung closely to each other almost to the point of sharing a bedroom instead of having their own room.  I needed to pray for grace to accept where they were which did not include me.  It was awkward and, sadly, I admit I am happy they are gone.  I'm sure having them around touched a few triggers for me and I need to identify those so I can release them.  Later, of course. 

My trip across "the pond" is just over a month away.   I have been frantically working out so as to not keep the plane from taking off because of my weight.  I know I wouldn't but I still feel like a great big fat unworthy girl that I believed I was for so long.  Looking for cute clothes to take with me really sucks.  Let me say that again - it REALLY sucks.  And I have to bring a bathing suit and a dress, too?  Oh no. 

As for my dating life, it is non-existent still.  But God is still working on me and I am not ready.  I trust Him to provide someone for me.  I just hope its soon.  I'm not getting any younger, after all!

I am at a living waters conference this weekend, led by founder Andy Comiskey.  He is not what I had pictures.  Neither is his wife.  They are both very entertaining, however, and I am learning new things.  But its not the new things that I am taken by.  Its the old things that I still struggle with that spins my head.  They are a constant reminder of my need for God's grace and forgiveness.  They remind me that I am nothing without God's mercy and love.  They are indicators that point me in the direction that I need to walk, which is toward the cross, asking for help.  I learned that its ok to fall as long as I fall forward.  Hmmm.  As the discussions lead to honoring men, I found I was guilty of heaping onto the male gender's burden of not knowing what to do anymore or how to act.  I find I'm unsure of how to treat a man after witnessing my parent's relationship.  I know its not supposed to be controlling or manipulative or demeaning but I'm afraid I know no other way.  And that scares me. 

I am happy to have had God sing over me during the blessing of the women.  "I am with you.  I named you.  I call you Beloved.  I love you.  You are mine."  I am still a work in progress and my journey is long and fraught with opportunities to confess my sin, my weakness, my need.

To be continued...

Waiting...

Sometimes it feels like I am waiting for Godot.  Anyone familiar with that story knows its about a pair of people who stand around waiting for someone named Godot.  The pair wait in vain as Godot, whom they hardly know, never shows.  Yet they wait, hoping against hope that "Godot" will show. 

I am in a period of waiting.  For what?  Good question.  Wish I had an answer but, to be honest, I don't know.  I guess I'm waiting for something to happen to me... um, for me?  Something.  Anything.  My life seems to be status quo and has been for some time.  And I admit I've allowed that but I have done so on purpose.  Because I'm waiting... for... something... 

This reminds me of the song that never ends.  It just goes on and on and on again.  That seems to be the story of my waiting - it just goes on, it has no end. 

And until something happens, I will just have to sit here and wait. 

I sure hope something happens soon because I don't know how long I can wait. 

I sure wish I knew what I was waiting for...

Living Beyond Myself

I was recently invited to join a woman's bible study group that meets every other Thursday.  They are studying Beth Moore series called Living Beyond Yourself.

Anyone familiar with Beth Moore knows she is a kick in the pants.  She's a big haired fireball from Texas who is a total straight shooter with a side of comic relief thrown in.  And she uses real, every day examples from her life to make her points.  So far, I like her. 

The series so far has addressed living in the Spirit.  Our daily prayer is to ask God to fill us with His spirit and to confess.  I'm not sure what that will look like or why I need to ask it but I'm trying it out. 

Confession is hard.  Why is that?  I don't have anything big to confess but there sure are  a lot of little things like judgment, anger, jealousy.  Confessing is a daily reminder that I am a sinful person and far from perfect but sometimes its hard to acknowledge that and it hurts.  I sometimes wonder if that is the reason I am single - so I can become more Godly and less human.  The more I try to understand who I was created to be, the less I like who I am.  I know I need to change but how?  With God's help and His grace, I can be who He wants me to be.  Speak to me, Lord.  Tell me how to be you and not me. 

I'm open to suggestions.

Lamentations

Church recently did a series on lamentation.  Not a real pick-me-up topic but an honest part of life.  We we asked to write one of our own which included being vulnerable with God and honest with ourselves.
I was skeptical when I sat down to write mine but it didn't take long.  It is honest and true but, gratefully, not a daily dwelling place.  And I am including it here so I can refer to it in the future, when I forget to thank Him for my joy. 

Hillcrest lamentation:

Lord,
For so long, I have called out to you, wanting comfort, wanting to hear you tell me that you hear me, that you haven’t forgotten me.  Still, I wait for an answer or for something that says my sadness and loneliness will soon end. 

My heart aches, Father, for all of the pain I’ve experienced recently.  There is nothing but darkness around me.  I have no family, no friends, no spouse, no children.  All around me are people laughing and living.  I see so much happiness being shared in families and communities but I am not a part of that.  I am an outsider.  I want so desperately to belong somewhere and to someone.  Why am I alone?  What did I do to deserve this life?  I have nothing, Lord but a broken, empty heart.  How many times have I cried out to you, begging for this to end only to face another day isolated and alone?  Sometimes, it’s too much to bear and I begin to believe that you ignore me and have rejected me.  I lose hope.

My head questions you but my heart knows the truth. Lord, I know you love me and have plans to prosper me like you did with Job.  You call me beautiful, friend, bride.  You are faithful.  You fill my needs, you watch over me, you hold me when I cry.  You drown out the voices that tell me I am nothing, I have no value.  You have revealed yourself to me in countless ways that I cannot deny.  In you, I have everything I desire. 

Help me, Father, to desire and submit to you.  Only you can fill the emptiness inside of me.