The Agony of Defeat

Since Maureen's death, I have been an emotional mess.  I feel lost and easily confused.  I have become forgetful as well.  Its a strange place to be.  I know the sun rises and sets in the same places every day but that seems to be the only thing I am sure of lately.  Even my faith seems to wane.  I believe in God but I wonder if He hears me.  Has He forgotten me?  Has He turned his back on me?  Has He heard me call out to Him?  I wish I could be certain of my life but I am not certain of much right now.

Today, I drove down to Seattle with my friend Susan, leaving my car at her house.   We were meeting mutual friends who are also her neighbors at Safeco field for a Mariner's game.  I would ride home with them as she was planning to spend the rest of the weekend in Seattle with her new love interest.  After the game and half way home, I thought to look for my car keys.  They were nowhere to be found.  My heart sank as I realize I did not have my only set of keys and hoped they were in Susan's car.  To make matters worse, I didn't have a way into my own house.  Thankfully, my neighbors have a spare key so I can at least be in my comfort zone.

Its Saturday night and I am home, watching Kung Fu Panda and beating myself up for this current predicament.  There is no grace or mercy for me right now.  And I add this to the running list of issues that bring me down: close friends moving away, single friends meeting their matches, other friends having babies.  It feels as if there is little hope left for me.  Nothing to look forward to.  So many issues, so much sadness.  I think I've taken up residence in the state of Depression.  Whereas, things like these never seemed to bother me before, they are affecting me now. 

It's times like this when my only option is to admit defeat.  To fall on my knees, lift up my hands and shout, "I surrender!"  I am not sure how much more I can take and going it alone has gotten me nowhere.  But the idea of surrender makes me feel weak and helpless.  That despite my best efforts, I have lost the battle and failed miserably.   

One of the greatest lines in Kung Fu Panda belongs to the very wise Oogwey:  "The panda will never fulfill his destiny nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control." It speaks to me because I  try hard to control so many aspects in my life.   But the truth is I am not in control, He is.  And my job is to submit to Him.  To believe otherwise is an illusion.  I tell myself these lies to bring comfort or security.  In the end, however, it only makes things worse.  I know that surrender is not weakness.  Admitting defeat is not the same as failing.  And I am not alone.  No matter how hard times may get, no matter how dark the days become, this is a season in my life and I do not walk thru it alone.

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not fear.  For you are with me."  This I know.