LW lesson #...

I'm amazed that after 2.5 years in Living Waters, I still have a lot to learn.  I am actually grateful that my time isn't being wasted because I already know it all.  God has definitely used this time to stir up my stuff and teach me even more lessons. 

In December, one of our group leaders decided she needed to leave our group.  This was told to us by group leader #2.  I could tell it affected her probably as much as it affected me.  She was very kind and gracious about the news.  I was not.  We used our time to talk about the changes that would occur.  I voiced my protest, making it known that it was NOT ok for leader #1 to leave us.  You see, leader #1 was also my group co-leader during my first LW year.  So, my first thought was, "Not again" followed by "why does she keep doing this (to me)?"  Wow.  Big words from one who knows it all, right?  At the time, leader #2 gave no explanation other than #1 decided it was best to leave due to personal reasons.  What a bunch of crap!  If you're not ready to lead, then don't sign on.  But don't earn the trust of your group, expect them to be honest and vulnerable with you then leave.  That's not ok.  I was angry and my group knew it.  Worse yet, we would get a new co-leader - a woman who didn't know us and hadn't earned our trust.

I carried that anger toward #1 for 3 weeks.  When we finally met again, I was indifferent toward her and I didn't care.  After the lesson, we went to our usual spot for group.  #1 came in and wanted to talk with us, to explain why she needed to step back.  If you can picture a child who is being made to do something they don't want to do, arms folded in protest, then you have seen me.  I didn't care what she had to say, it didn't matter.  #1 went on to explain her deeply personal struggles and how they were interfering with her ability to lead.  What she said was sincere and honest.  She could not have been more vulnerable or transparent and I felt like a jerk.  She tried to make eye contact with me but all I could do was avert my eyes in shame... my shame over my lack of grace toward her.   She left the room saying she loved us and would continue to pray for us.  At that moment, I realized I still had so much to learn. 

After leader #2 introduced our new co-leader, we did our usual checking in with everyone.  First, Elaine then Ana then me.  At my turn, thru tear filled eyes, I asked to be excused.  #2, in her understandingly kind and loving way, said, "you're coming back, right?"  I nodded then left the room, in search of #1.  I could not face my group until I had made things right in my heart.  I needed to make things right with her.  I needed to confess my sin against her.  I needed to ask for her forgiveness for my anger and judgment. 

When I approached her, she looked surprised to see me and asked if #2 knew I had left.  Her concern was for our group and I appreciated that.  I explained what I had been feeling over the past 3 weeks and how I was mad at her.  I told her I held a grudge against her for leaving me again and how I was determined not to forgive her, no matter what.  I told her how her humility showed me that I still have far to go.  As she graciously put her arms around me, I told her I was sorry and so very wrong to judge her.  I asked for her forgiveness which she gave.  Then I made the long walk back to my group, ready to disclose my sins to them and ask for God's forgiveness. 

I thank God for forgiveness.  I thank Him for grace.  I thank Him for showing me that I still have a long way to go in becoming the person He created me to be.  And I thank Him for the opportunity to do so.    

"Amazing grace.  How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now am found.  Was blind but now I see."

In Search of Cheers

Today is Sunday, a day that is synonymous with church because its when most church goers go to church.  I was raised Catholic therefore I learned early on that church was an obligation.  To miss was a sin that needed to be confessed.  I dreaded confession more than anything so I went to church and fulfilled my obligation.

Fast forward 15 years - I finally find a Catholic church  St Catherine of Alexandria (SCOA)- where I feel welcomed and like I belong.  I became involved in several ministries and was known to many.  I was "Norm" and church was Cheers - the place where everybody knew my name.  Leaving it to move to Bellingham was hard to do.

It has been 10 years since I moved up and I have yet to find a church like SCOA.  I have tried several different places and denominations but none seem to fit.  The local Catholic churches are about families, having babies or being retired.  The non-denoms feel more like mega WalMarts.  I have gotten involved in two small groups at my current church but it still doesn't feel like home to me.
I should be at church today but I would rather stay home, watching squirrels collect the peanuts I put out for them.  I find so much contentment seeing birds eat out of the feeder.  I'd prefer cooking and baking to being in a room full of strangers.  I know God is there but going to worship leaves me feeling even more alone.  I find God in little things like TV shows on animal rescues or watching deer walk across my lawn.

Is it wrong to not want to go to church?  I know church is also about community but there is no sense of community for me there.  And the thought of trying out another church doesn't appeal to me, either.   I wish I knew what to do.  I wish I liked going to church.  I wish I felt like I belonged somewhere.

Resolving to have resolve

So, its a new year.  Yippee!  And this year, like in years past, I considered making a resolution but I remember failing to keep them or even remember them after 3 weeks.  Nope, no resolution for me this time.

But I will promise myself one thing - to be kinder to me.  I know that no one else will take care of me.  I have to do it for myself.  That means I am not allowed to beat myself up over little things.  It also means that when I fail at something, I will try not to sulk or be embarrassed but hold my head up for even trying.  I will put myself out there more to meet people and keep from hiding.  I will eat healthier simply because my body needs good fuel.  I hope to laugh more, enjoy the stillness of a Saturday morning while drinking coffee and watching birds eat out of the feeder and be ok.  I would like to say I will hand control over to God but I am human and struggle with this constantly.  But if I can at least try, then that in itself is a success.

Sounds like a lot of work but it must be done if I am to live a life of no regrets. As the saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.  Here I go.  Wish me luck!

For Auld Lang Syne

Today is the last day of 2010 and I can say with confidence that I will be happy to see it go.  It had been a challenging year for me, filled with so much sadness.

I know God taught me so much this year.  He has taken me out of my comfort zone, that's for sure.  With all of the financial decisions that had to be made as well as losing my two best friends, I realize just how much older and wiser I feel as a result.

Right now, I'm sitting in Starbucks, drinking a pumpkin spice latte.  It was a drink Maureen and I favored and would share a cup over the phone on our "date nights".  As I sip, I know it tastes different and I can't help but wonder if that is because I am different as a result of her passing. I find nothing in it to savor, no sense of familiarity, no comfort,  Its just a drink.  And that reality makes me sad.

But its time to say good bye - to pumpkin spice lattes, to best friends, to sorrow.  A new day is on the horizon and I must be there to greet it.  2011 holds infinite possibilities and opportunities for me, if I am willing to reach for them.  I can't do that if I am stuck in the past, stuck in my grief over what was or could have been.  This is my love letter to the ones who loved me so unconditionally.  This is my good bye to Maureen and Missy.  My heart continues to break but I will leave my sadness at the doorstep of 2010, ready to embrace a new year and a new beginning:


My precious friends,
My heart has become shards of glass.  My tears are streams that flow into rivers.  My sadness is deafening.  But your suffering is over, your pain is gone.  I look for comfort in that and in knowing you are in heaven, watching over me, loving me, rejoicing over the life that is to come for me.  How blessed I was to have you.  You painted the canvas of my life so brilliantly with your rainbow colors.   I hold on to the hope that you went away to make room for what's to come.  I know you will share in my future, staying close to me in heart and spirit.  What a gift to have had your friendship for so long.  I am so thankful for our time together. 

(The song that is sung every New Years Eve is based on a Scottish poem of the same name)   

"Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished, and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold, that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect on Old long syne.

My Heart is ravisht with delight, when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight, and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face, so fills this Heart of mine;
That Force nor Fate can me displease for Old long syne.

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief, when from thee I am gone;
will not thy presence yield relief, to this sad Heart of mine:
Why doth thy presence me defeat, with excellence divine?
Especially when I reflect on Old long syne."