Last Thursday, I was asked if I would take a 7year old boy for two weeks respite. Unfortunately, issues at work wouldn't allow that but I did agree to take him for 4 days. So, he came to live with me thru Monday. What I thought would be an innocent time turned out to be a series of triggers and lessons learned.
When this little boy showed up at my house, he had the biggest smile on his face and talked non-stop. I was a little overwhelmed as he made himself at home. But it was ok because he seemed good with being here. I have to admit that I am always apprehensive when I get a child. Mostly, I fear they won't like me (the people pleaser in me) or something will go horribly wrong and I won't know what to do (the controller in me). But as the hours passed, I found I could relax around him and just be what he needed - a caring, responsible adult. And the fact that he was in bed at 8pm made it so much easier.
Sleeping almost 12 hours does something to a kid, especially one that consumes a bottle of apple juice before going to bed. Yep, he had had an accident. I could tell he was nervous about telling me but I assured him it was ok, stripped the bed and washed the sheets. We hung out with friends for a little while in the morning then went to the fair in the evening. Him, being 7, he wanted everything in sight. Me, being a single "parent", said "No" a whole lot. But he rode the rides he wanted and got the food he liked so it was a good day.
Saturday was a lazy day and we didn't do much. One thing I try to do consistently with the kids I get is bake then take our baked goods into my work so the kids have some positive exposure to police officers. Being an emergency placement parent means receiving kids that have just been removed from their homes and taken from their parents. The officers that have this responsibility endure anger/drama by the parents and fear/tears from the kids. Its a hard position to be in. By taking in cookies, the kids see the human side of the officers and not the law enforcement side. So, we baked cookies then took them in to a very appreciative crowd. He beamed with pride as he passed out cookies like they were $100 bills, receiving a lot of praise along the way. We then hit the park, got groceries then headed back home to watch Cars, play board games and have dinner. This was a good day.
Sunday started out with church. Well, I went to church and he went to the play area of church where he got to hang out with other kids and be a kid just like them. It was later that evening when things started to fall apart with this little guy and he wasn't able to keep up his charade anymore. He suffers from encopresis = soiling. Unfortunately, I didn't do any research ahead of time and was unprepared for his accident. I'm afraid I reacted in a way that brought out the worst in him. I didn't yell but I was frustrated that he gave no indication that he needed to go, not realizing he isn't capable of knowing. My reaction made him very angry, to the point of yelling. That shook me. I felt like I was no longer in control and I didn't know what to do so I left him in his room and walked away, trying to calm myself down. It was a horrible feeling and I didn't like it at all. After just about a minute, he came out and apologized. I explained that it wasn't ok to yell and that his behavior wasn't appropriate. I also told him I was angry with him because of it and needed time to get over it. The rest of the night was strained and he went to bed, leaving me alone to process.
Its funny the things that come up when a trigger is hit. After he went to sleep, I remembered being in first grade and having an accident while in church. I remember being embarrassed in front of my classmates and being teased. I also remember getting into trouble for it when I got home and the whole thing made me feel small. I was 7 years old. I don't think I will ever forget mom's reaction or how bad it made me feel. As I crawled into bed Sunday night, I asked God to forgive me for being so angry with him and to help him, too. There is no reason why a 7 year old should react so strongly even when bearing such perceived shame.
Monday, I returned him to his social worker only to find out later that evening that they had no place for him. I can't imagine being 7 and knowing no one wants you which is something he does know. He is in his 3rd placement because the last one "didn't want me because I pooped my pants". I am ashamed to admit I am among them. Having come from a very abusive home where his accidents were shoved in his face and he was called names, he is deeply scarred and troubled. My heart aches for him as I know he will spend his life feeling lost and angry, lashing out at anyone who gets close to him, never fully trusting anyone. For so long, I was him and for similar reasons (not encopresis). Rather than stepping up and taking him back, I ran from him, knowing I couldn't take any more. It was too close to home, too familiar.
Tonight, as I write this, I wonder where he is and if he is ok. I pray he will find parents who will love him when he is placed for permanent adoption. I hope he will go back to school and just be a kid who plays and makes friends and lives life. But the reality is he will struggle, probably be a loner and have much sadness in his life. I know this scenario all too well. I feel like I failed him. Perhaps I had a chance to redeem my younger self by saving him but reality doesn't work that way and all I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray...
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