I depend on...

All Beyonce fans know how the song goes - "I depend on me."  If there was a song that fit me to a T, this would be it.  I have learned over many years and tears that people fail you, disappointment is inevitable and no one can be counted on.  I became independent a long time ago, after being constantly let down by my parents.  Sad to say but true.

The people I allow into my life have to pass many tests in order to get past my walls of steel.  After that, there is a a moat filled with alligators, a rickety drawbridge and a complex labyrinth.  I am well protected and it would an act of Congress to get to my heart.  Few people have and even some of them have let me down. 

I have been angry because of this.  A person who I let in let me down.  And it hurt to the point where I was angry with her and would not talk to her.  I am working on this - on grace - but it is a constant effort.  I know NO ONE is perfect but I want them to be if they are in my heart.  And that is where I fail myself. 

A good friend recently asked me this question - do I put more trust in people than in God?  The answer is yes, shamefully so.  I hold people in high regard to the point of worshiping them.  I am a lowly woman who is not worthy of the great people that surround me.  And in putting them on pedestals, I allow them to fail me, maybe so I have a reason to keep them from getting too close.  I believe this is called reverse psychology.  This is where Dr Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?"  Not so well. 

I have many options but the one I will put my effort into will be to trust my Creator and Lord.  I can depend on Him to be there for me and never let me down.  My constant prayer has been "His will, not mine".   I will add, "because I trust Him."  Maybe by repeating this prayer, I will learn to have more trust in general and my maze can finally be dismantled.  God is capable of anything.  It's me I question.