Philippians 4:6 - “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
You've probably guessed what this entry will be about. And you would be right but its not fear I'm struggling with lately but anxiety which is the fruit of fear. (In August, I went to see my doctor who decided it was best to put me on anti-depressants as I was not coping with Maureen's death in a healthy way. In fact, there was a lot of darkness beginning to envelop me so I'm happily medicated.) For some reason, I am having trouble falling asleep at night. I will get my second wind around 7 and carry that into bed until after 11. That's not good for a girl who wants sleep, needs sleep, loves sleep.
The obvious guess is that the drugs are affecting me but I am afraid to change them as I feel I have stabilized and can cope. Next thought is that I am worried. With my CA trip behind me, the worry over being liked and accepted by old friends is over. There was no judgment, no fat jokes at my expense, nothing negative. Only loving reunions. So what's bugging me???
9/27 marked the beginning of another year of Living Waters. To be honest, I am not looking forward to participating. There are fewer familiar, friendly faces and my counselor has decided not to lead a group ever again even though she assured me I would be in her group. That was a huge disappointment. And with the struggles I experienced in last year's group, I admit I'm a little concerned about what God will stir up this time. But I know one thing is certain- stir, He will.
While I had hoped that all of my issues had been resolved over the previous two years, I know better as I begin to realize others, such as possible commitment issues, hero worship and a lack of compassion for the dependent. These are a few of the things that were pointed out to me while I was in CA. So, what do these have in common? What is their root? My guess is FEAR.
I fear trusting a man with my heart as I have been hurt too many times to count. So, I look for heroic qualities, hoping he will save me from myself, protect me from harm and give me the confidence and security I so deeply desire. Anything less than a hero would be considered weak in my opinion, incapable of taking care of even himself.
So, here I sit in my favorite coffee shop, envying every couple I know, wishing for relationship but knowing only how to repel. What does this mean? It means that my views are still skewed and I need another year of Living Waters. God, help me.
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